Unique connection

Just because children grow up does not distance us from the love, care, concern and fear for our children.

 I have a grandson who just turned 18. During the past year he has been clear he wants to join the Marine Corps. It is a family tradition. He does well in school but is not certain of a career choice. His parents thought they had talked him in to delaying the military choice and to attend a local college for one year. When he attended college orientation last week he texted his dad and said, "I don't want to go." During a family conversation that evening he announced he is joining the Marine Corps. His dad (a Marine Corps officer) is supportive...not thrilled but says he is 18 and can make his own decisions. His mother is very very upset. And unfortunately her "upset" comes out as anger. Sadly, the tension created in this situation is palpable.

Helping our children grow up and take responsibility for their decisions---when we want something else for them---is incredibly difficult. We have the hindsight of all the decisions we made that didn't turn out so well. We want to save them the pain. We want to maintain our control. We think we know best.

Another friend shared an essay her adult son had written about a recent kayaking trip with his family. He had his young son's kayak connected securely by a rope letting him feel some independence, yet pulling him along when the child became tired. "If I paddle harder, I can make it easier for him." That's what we as parents think we can do. If we make the decisions, it will be easier for them. Not always. At some point, we "know" their decision is not the one we would make, but it is their unique decision.

The writer of the kayaking essay continues in reflection at one point--""My family was always there, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, but the connection to the kayak in front of me was mine, and unique."

How do we let them know the connection is always there-and the connection is theirs and can be unique?

About all I know to do is pray. Pray quietly. Pray that God will be with all of us as we venture on this new course. Pray I will say do and do "the loving thing." Pray my grandson will know the rope is never broken.

Blessings-Penny

I did it!

I did! After "thinking out loud" on this blog about the situation of my step grand daughter (Anna)going off to college and her sister(Lexi) being distraught, I emailed my daughter-in-law. (See the previous blog) It seemed to me she should be the one intervening in the situation. I suggested "the loving thing" approach. My daughter in law emailed back a few hours later saying she had the talk with Lexi and she seemed to understand "the loving thing." She also emailed the next day and said they had had a wonderful evening with smiles and laughter.

I am so delighted---delighted Lexi is able to move into "the loving thing"---delighted my daughter in law was able to accept my input---delighted things are more calm for all. Input can be tricky. Is it advice? Is it nagging? Is it criticism? Thinking through the who, what, when, where, how and why is certainly helpful.

Asking the Holy Spirit to be with us as we consider these situations is essential. Is my input  the "loving thing?" Asking for guidance and a sense that the Spirit is with us frames these situations as sacred.
What a difference!

Blessings-Penny

How much should I say?

One of my step-grandaughters is going off to college this week. I live half way across the country and we are not very close. My son and her mother have been married 2 years. Her younger sister seems to be having a very difficult time with the pending separation. Her mother reports that the younger sister feels like it is a death. The sisters have been very close. They have weathered together the divorce of their parents, a tense relationship with their biological father, a significant geographical move during high school to accommodate their mother's marriage to my son, the welcoming of 2 stepbrothers into the family.

My dilemma is how much to say about the younger sister's sadness...and apparently pretty dramatic tears.  There's a part of me that wants to say, "For heaven's sake, Anna got into the college she wanted...it's a major step of growing up...be happy for her." And there's another part that does not want to be dismissive of Lexi's feelings. It is a major loss from her perspective.

I firmly believe the "loving thing"  is for Lexi to say to Anna that she will miss her terribly and that their closeness is a true gift...that she wants to hear all about college. It takes a big heart, lots of courage, and much self sacrifice to choose "the loving thing"---for it to be about Anna's excitement.

Should I say that? Would it be helpful?

It is a choice---for me to have the courage to say it---for Lexi to say it to Anna.! Is there a place today you can choose "the loving thing?"

Blessings-Penny

how we hear things

In a recent conversation I was again struck by how we all hear conversations from our own perspectives. A women friend and her husband  wanted to recount a conversation  they recently had with their oldest daughter. It was a difficult conversation regarding a misunderstanding they had at Christmas time and the wife/mother had taken the risk to confront the daughter. Before she was to recount the conversation with me, she asked the husband what he remembered. She then recounted what she remembered. The recollected  points of the conversation with the daughter were entirely different. Each parent  remembered what was important to them and related to their identity. It was not that they disagreed---it was that each identified the critical parts of the conversation entirely differently. He remembered the decision about what to eat for breakfast on Christmas morning--the daughter wanted less sweet/more protein. He ritually fixed a sweet funnel cake type treat. The mother remembered the decision about attending Christmas Mass. She identifies Christmas Eve Mass as the essential part of Christmas.

I did not point out the differences in their recollections. I am a friend-not their therapist! But I was amused and amazed at how this very caring, connected couple are just as capable of "ineffective communication" as all of us. It is so difficult even in healthy, mature relationships to "hear' the other---to focus on what is important to them.

Can we listen more carefully today? Can we remember the saying that "being heard as an adult is like being held as a child."

Blessings-Penny

"Let Go and Let God"

"Let Go and let God" is a saying frequently uttered by attendees at AA meetings and a slogan often posted on the walls of those meetings. It is a slogan I have heard paraphrased recently by two  people I care deeply about. One is a person who continues to struggle with a number of demons. She has struggled for years and though the demons are less destructive than in her past, they can still cause days of challenge, anxiety and ultimately guilt and pain. Following one recent episode she essentially used the "let go and let God" phrase saying she was just going to do the best she could and leave the rest with God. She said, "I don't mean I'm going to stop doing my part; I'm going to do the best I can; I will make the choices that keep me away from risky situations; but I'm going to turn the rest of it over to God."

The other person is a mother/grandmother who agonizes over her adult son's addiction, the impact it has on him and her grandson, and whether an intervention is even an option.. "I won't ignore the facts but I just have to hand them over to God and pray for a time in the future."

Both women are strongly committed to their relationship with God. Prayer is an important part of their daily lives. Turning their challenges with addiction over to God brings a sense of peace...brings them a sense that they are not in this alone. They each remember God's promise that He is with them.

Is there a challenge you have today that you need to remember to "Let go and Let God" take care of it?...remembering that you have to do your part...a part He will help you name. Does letting go or turning it over give you some peace?

Blessings-Penny

issues of recovery

This morning I again had the honor to be a guest on the "Morning Air" show on Relevant Radio, a station out of Greenbay, Wisconsin. Today the host asked me to discuss the recovery issues identified in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." As we discussed the issues of self image, traditional roles and ineffective communication, the interviewer made the point that these issues can stay with a person for a lifetime. I couldn't agree more. These are issues we begin to identify in early recovery and then work on maybe for the rest of our lives. They are issues that can be so ingrained in who we believe we are and in how we interact with others  that they are very difficult to change.

HOWEVER, I believe that beginning to identify which issues are ones that keep us trapped in fear and anxiety, is absolutely vital to beginning and sustaining recovery. If we begin to identify those issues, we have the opportunity to make changes. If we never acknowledge those are issues that trigger our addictions, we are at high risk for relapse.

The issues of self image, traditional roles, ineffective communication, grief and loss, medical consequences and abuse and anger are discussed in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." These are issues not just for recovering women but for all women. And in "Filling the God-Shaped Void" we continue a daily meditation and conversation of how to continue to work on our growth and relationship with God.

Today I am deeply grateful for Relevant Radio in helping me talk with women about recovery.
For what are you deeply grateful today?
Have you thanked God?
Blessings-Penny

Divine Dementia

I was so touched by the comment of Pope Francis during his informal talk with the press the other day. On the subject of forgiveness he said God not only forgives our sins but He also forgets them. It helps to be reminded of the Old Testament scripture that says, "He remembers your sins no more."

I picture myself arriving at the pearly gates with my list of sins-the lies, the relapses, the pain I've caused--and God saying, "I don't remember any of that." That is His promise but I really have difficulty hanging on to that promise. As I heard a woman say, "That's too good to be true."

It is wonderful to have a pope who blesses us with that reminder.

Today remember to thank God that you are forgiven and that "He remembers your sins no more." Does that promise ease your guilt and anxiety?
Blessings--Penny