guilt?

On June 3 I shared the episode of the fall of my friend, Lee, when she was meeting me in Los Angeles. For a couple of weeks her progress has been good. But when I spoke with her a few days ago, the news was alarming. Lee has developed atrial fibrillation (a very rapid heartbeat). She cannot walk 5 feet without severe shortness of breath. Her cardiologist has said the precipitating factor was probably the fall. I do not know how that works from a physiological perspective but I know it must be very frightening and discouraging. Of course they are doing all the medical appropriate procedures but because her jaw remains wired shut from the broken jaw, she cannot have some interventions.

I must tell you that my "guilt factor" has returned. After all she was meeting me at the station when she fell as a favor to me. One thing I find interesting in all of this has to do with "gender differences" in response to my guilt. When I relate this story to women, they respond in empathy for my friend and understanding of why I feel some guilt. When I share the story with men, they understand the seriousness of the fall and the medical consequences. However, to the last one they do not understand my guilt. I have received responses like, "That's the most neurotic thing I've ever heard you say" said somewhat in jest or "You are not responsible. If we are responsible for our own selves, that's the best we can expect."

I do not believe either the women's responses or man's responses is the "right" response. I'm just amazed at the clear differences! It's important to listen to each other. We learn.

Is there some "guilt" you hold onto?
Would there be any benefit in talking that through with a person of the other gender?
Do you listen to men in group settings and honestly explore how they see situations differently? It's worthwhile, I find.

Blessings-Penny

reach out

An email from a woman I consider a fairly new friend touched me deeply this morning.
It said, "This month of June must be a poignant time for you. I will especially keep you in prayer." This month is the anniversary of my daughter's death. Her accident occured many years ago but as any parent who has lost a child will tell you, the memory never leaves. Though the intensity of the pain lessens (one could not live in that pain forever), the anniversary of her death recreates a visceral nausea and a stab in my heart. Of course it also reminds me of her laughter, her beauty, her faith.

This very loving new friend took the risk to share her concern and empathy with me. Few friends or family take that risk. I am certain they feel they are sparing me the memory but I promise you the memory is always there-every single day of my life.

I encourage you to take the risk of offering a thought, a prayer, a blessing to someone you know who is experiencing a loss or the memory of a loss. I promise you they have not forgotten that loss. Knowing you remember their pain, that you have loving memories of that person or experience is the connection and intimacy which we all long for.

Who might you phone today to say you have a loving memory of someone they have lost?
What friend has lost their job? Pick up the phone and tell them you are praying for them.
Has someone relapsed in their addiction? Will you risk telling them you miss them?

Blessings-Penny

lessons learned

My husband's adult son is a school administrator in a large western city. He is responsible for curriculum and "empowerment" for a struggling school system. He recently was interviewed for the city newspaper. The following quote in the printed article is a testimony to the deep impact of the role modeling by his father---a testimony to the values and beliefs the son absorbed from watching and listening to his dad's profound example.

"A soft-spoken native of Illinois, Hauser is the son of a Lutheran minister who would leave the Sunday dinner table to 'minister to his flock.' Hauser views his role as having a similar calling, one in which he meshes school with neighborhoods."

No lectures, no "shoulds", just a quiet example of belief and values that moved into the core of the man the son has become.

If your child was interviewed what might he/she say about what he/she has learned from you?
Do your children see the beliefs and values of recovery reflected in your new life?
Do they see a new spirituality? A new way of being?

Blessings--Penny

yearning

As mentioned in other blogs, I love this word "yearning." It so captures my sense of searching. In a recent Commonweal magazine I read a quote from a book review which says, " Our yearning for God is the force for moving ahead. The yearning itself is a gift." (Gateway to Resurrection)

To sense the yearning for God as a force for moving us ahead-as something positive- is a wonderful reframing of that word. Not a negative feeling of something missing, but a gift in itself.

How does the yearning for God fit into your spirituality?
Is it a force that moves you ahead?
How does that look in your life? In your recovery?

Blessings-Penny

angels?

Recently I was vacationing in California-hence no postings from me the past 2 weeks. Sorry about that!
During that visit a college friend,Lee, was to pick me and my husband up at Los Angeles Union Train Station around 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning. She was a few minutes late, unusual for her, when I heard my name called over the public address system. Security personnel took me to my friend. She had tripped over a speed bump while walking into the station. Her lip was split wide open, bleeding profusely. By the time I got to her, station personnel were attending to her and within a couple of minutes, the LA County Paramedics arrived. In a real demonstration of caring and problem solving, the paramedics assessed my friend, determined she needed to go to the ER, placed her and me in the ambulance, one of them picked up her car and followed the ambulance, picked up my husband who was sitting in the train station waiting room unaware of the situation, picked up our luggage and took us all to LA County Hospital ER.

As the day progressed and we remained in the ER, Lee was evaluated with MRI, Cat Scan, Xray etc. It was determined her jaw was broken in 2 places and she had a cracked elbow requiring a metal plate and screws. She would be admitted when a bed was available. As it turned out that was 36 hours later.

During the long afternoon and evening of this assessment my husband waited patiently in the waiting room. And during the long afteroon and evening the caring (and incredibly handsome) paramedics returned to check on Lee as they made additional "runs" with other patients to the ER. (About the only smiles of that day came from Lee and me making comments about the movie star looks of these two incredible men.)I did mention in their presence our mounting concern about getting Lee's car back to Santa Monica in the dark given we are Vermonters, not used to LA freeways.

ANYWAY-about 8 p.m. these 2 paramedics returned again! Tyler (we're on a first name basis by now) says, "Ok we've checked with our supervisor and one of us is going to drive Lee's car to Santa Monica and the other will follow in the ambulance to drive both of us back. We can take your husband or you (meaning me) or both. But we are going to at least solve the problem of getting the car to Santa Monica." The tension in my body simply flowed out.

At just this moment Lee's son arrives from his home in central California. So my husband and I leave with the paramedics. They bring Lee's car to the ER door, drive us to Santa Monica, ambulance following, luggage and all, get us into Lee's house which is very very dark, turn off the alarm system, and make certain we feel safe.

Now I am not certain I have ever believed in angels but I must acknowledge that after the time with those 2 paramedics I am moving in that direction. I have never been treated with such a combination of gentleness, thoroughness, humor, and genuine concern by a health professional...by someone who just appeared in my life. We were cared for and cared about. We were held safely and touched. Just like the picture that hung above my bed as a child...the one of the guardian angel sheltering two children crossing a bridge in a storm.

Lee is home after a 6 day hospital stay. Her jaw is immobilized with braces, her elbow pinned. We can't talk on the phone and she can't email but I send her a note frequently and pray for her recovery many, many times a day. Please say a prayer for her too.

Do you have angels in your life?
Are they there frequently or mostly in times of crisis?
Do they touch your recovery?
Did someone extend a hand which led you to recovery? Was she an angel?
Remember recovery is a gift. From where?
I'd love to hear your experiences.



Blessings-Penny

travel

We are off on another trip. This time it's California-San Francisco, Los Angeles, Carlsbad. I'll present a workshop on "the book;" visit a college friend in L.A. and see my son and his family in Carlsbad. He has recently returned from a year in Afghanistan. It's all good. But I must say it's a stressful,complicated trip. Lots of airplanes, trains, and multiple hotels.

We have travelled 6 times in the past 4 months. Lots of planning. What has been wonderful has been the connecting with old friends and the celebrating with family. For me that is the most meaningful travel...friends and family...not just new sights and places.

And when this trip is complete,I yearn to be here at home. Home where spring is now in full bloom, home where there is time for sitting on the deck looking at the brook, home where we pull weeds and plant flowers, home where I walk beside the waterfall and over the mountain, home where I am at peace, home where God gives me creativity,home where I have a place to be with women in recovery, home where I quietly thank God for all His blessings...my physical home and my spiritual home.

Why wouldn't I yearn for this place?
Where are you today?
Where do you yearn to be-emotionally, physically, spiritually?
Where do you find peace?
What are your blessings?

Blessings-Penny

Parenting

I have been travelling and visiting friends and family over the last several weeks. I apologize for not submitting new posts. While visiting families with children of varying ages, I was again struck that possibly THE most important role we have is that of mother/parent...being a role model, teaching accountability and responsibility, teaching good communication skills, playing, loving, laughing, teaching how to be a friend, honoring, respecting. The list of what children learn from us is unbelievable whether we are mother or father.

One child was a bit lippy to her mother. How did she learn that was ok?
Another was horrified when she thought she had lost her debit card. How did she learn to problem solve that?
Another was up at 7 a.m. getting ready to run a half marathon. Where did that discipline come from?
A 16 year old boy has a new girlfriend. How will he navigate that terrain?

They will learn by watching their parents.

What will your children learn from you in that informal, day to day role modeling that you do?

Only one of these families has a formal spiritual life.

How will these children learn about God's love?

I worry.

Blessings-Penny