The young woman family member who was committed over the weekend has been discharged. There is an aftercare plan in place. She says, "I'm done" with that behavior.
How many times those of us who are addicted have said, "I'm done" with that behavior! After the confrontations at work, after the dui, after the family tears, after the mornings of regret. And how difficult is it to stay "done?" The demon of addiction does not say, "Oh, ok. I'll just go away now." The demon of addiction lurks like a tiger in the grass. The demon just waits for us to forget how vicious he is.
The aftercare plan is for therapy 3 times a week for one hour per session. How many hours does that leave for the voices in her head to remind her of the pain that brought her to that place less than one week ago?
How many times do you remind yourself that the demon of addiction is still lurking? What is your plan when the demon says, "Oh go ahead. It wasn't that bad."
Is prayer part of that plan? Do you remind yourself that God is with you? Are you open to His Presence?
Blessings-Penny
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
crisis
One of our family members had a mental health crisis last week. The crisis was so serious she was committed to a mental health hospital for 72 hours. A commitment of this type is enacted when a health professional (this time an emergency room staff) determined she was a danger to herself.
Her illness is of a compulsive nature and had been a concern for a couple of years but not openly discussed among family members. From my perspective, as a psychiatric mental health nurse of 30 years, it is a prime example of minimization and denial that allows a disease to progress. That is the tragedy of denial. Everybody thinks they are doing the right thing but the disease progresses.
There are several layers to her illness and several layers to the animosity between some family members. So as is typical in any crisis, everybody does more of what is their usual pattern. The mother rushes in to rescue her daughter from this "terrible" mental institution. The father and father-in-law disagree about the situation. The lawyer uncle threatens legal action and tells another member "it's none of her damn business."
If I was writing a case study, this would be a perfect example of the layers of a disease. And yet as a family member, my gut reaction is one of sadness. Sad for the patient---what a trauma for this young woman. Sad for the mother---what a blow to her self image as a caring, loving, competent mother. Sad for the father who feels helpless and excluded. Sad for the father-in-law who feels invalidated. Sad for the uncle and other family members who feel guilty that they didn't say more, confront more when they identified signs of the illness.
The other side of the situation is that it is an opportunity---an opportunity for the woman to get the help she needs---an opportunity for the family to examine their relationships, their definition of family. At best I fear it will all get minimized again and the disease will simply go undercover until the next crisis.
Sadly, there is no prayer life within the family members most affected by this. I pray for them to somehow feels God's presence. He promised to be with us in the dark places.
Are you open to God's presence in your dark places?
Blessings-Penny
Her illness is of a compulsive nature and had been a concern for a couple of years but not openly discussed among family members. From my perspective, as a psychiatric mental health nurse of 30 years, it is a prime example of minimization and denial that allows a disease to progress. That is the tragedy of denial. Everybody thinks they are doing the right thing but the disease progresses.
There are several layers to her illness and several layers to the animosity between some family members. So as is typical in any crisis, everybody does more of what is their usual pattern. The mother rushes in to rescue her daughter from this "terrible" mental institution. The father and father-in-law disagree about the situation. The lawyer uncle threatens legal action and tells another member "it's none of her damn business."
If I was writing a case study, this would be a perfect example of the layers of a disease. And yet as a family member, my gut reaction is one of sadness. Sad for the patient---what a trauma for this young woman. Sad for the mother---what a blow to her self image as a caring, loving, competent mother. Sad for the father who feels helpless and excluded. Sad for the father-in-law who feels invalidated. Sad for the uncle and other family members who feel guilty that they didn't say more, confront more when they identified signs of the illness.
The other side of the situation is that it is an opportunity---an opportunity for the woman to get the help she needs---an opportunity for the family to examine their relationships, their definition of family. At best I fear it will all get minimized again and the disease will simply go undercover until the next crisis.
Sadly, there is no prayer life within the family members most affected by this. I pray for them to somehow feels God's presence. He promised to be with us in the dark places.
Are you open to God's presence in your dark places?
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
planting
It's October 8. I was in the local Home Depot here in Las Vegas, NV and there were tomato plants for sale. I asked the cashier and she said this is the second planting season of the year. It's not as good as spring but the plants will yield tomatoes. I asked when the spring planting season begins. The reply--"February!" Having spent the last 10 years in the state of Vermont (except the 16 months in St. Louis), I was amazed. In Vermont in February we were shoveling feet upon feet of snow off the driveway and sidewalks.
I have lived all over the U.S. including Hawaii and I still can't get over a planting season that begins in February.
Isn't this world an amazing place?? Different planting seasons so food can be grown all year.
What amazing thing have you noticed about the world in the last few days?
Have you thanked God for His amazing work? Have you thanked Him for amazing you?
Blessings-Penny
I have lived all over the U.S. including Hawaii and I still can't get over a planting season that begins in February.
Isn't this world an amazing place?? Different planting seasons so food can be grown all year.
What amazing thing have you noticed about the world in the last few days?
Have you thanked God for His amazing work? Have you thanked Him for amazing you?
Blessings-Penny
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Forgiveness
During the Relevant Radio interview on Tuesday morning, we talked about Anger and Abuse as one of the concepts in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." I spoke about the anger which results from abuse as a major stumbling block to recovery for both women and men. We also talked about families who are challenged by addiction and the label often used about them as "dysfunctional." I try to refrain from using that label because so very often those families are doing the best they can while struggling with this very complicated and devastating disease. But the residual anger from the resulting abuse and denial has long term effects on many of the other recovery issues of self image, ineffective communication, grief, guilt, depression---and on and on and on.
A major point that we did not have time to discuss on Tuesday's show (but I hope we get back to on Nov. 5) is the recovery issue of forgiveness. While it is vital to acknowledge the abuse in our past, it is equally important to move into forgiveness as part of sustaining our recovery. If we remain stuck in the anger, the triggers for relapse remain lurking like a tiger in the grass.
In the book I use Desmond Tutu's model of forgiveness. In that model he talks about acknowledging the abuse and anger, never forgetting the abuse (it must stop with us), walking in the shoes of the abuser, coming to the reality that that was then and this is my life now. If we hang on to the anger, the abuser continues to win. When we move into forgiveness, we get to write the end of the story. We are no longer the victim.
Another vital piece of forgiveness is remembering God's forgiveness of us---for all the sins we have committed. Because God forgives us, we move into forgiveness of others. He "remembers our sins no more." Can we even imagine forgiving others in that way?
Blessings-Penny
A major point that we did not have time to discuss on Tuesday's show (but I hope we get back to on Nov. 5) is the recovery issue of forgiveness. While it is vital to acknowledge the abuse in our past, it is equally important to move into forgiveness as part of sustaining our recovery. If we remain stuck in the anger, the triggers for relapse remain lurking like a tiger in the grass.
In the book I use Desmond Tutu's model of forgiveness. In that model he talks about acknowledging the abuse and anger, never forgetting the abuse (it must stop with us), walking in the shoes of the abuser, coming to the reality that that was then and this is my life now. If we hang on to the anger, the abuser continues to win. When we move into forgiveness, we get to write the end of the story. We are no longer the victim.
Another vital piece of forgiveness is remembering God's forgiveness of us---for all the sins we have committed. Because God forgives us, we move into forgiveness of others. He "remembers our sins no more." Can we even imagine forgiving others in that way?
Blessings-Penny
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
1600 miles later
We made it. A few glitches but we are here in Las Vegas and safe. All our belongings wouldn't fit on the moving van they sent; the truck broke down in Phoenix, Arizona; we barely made it through Colorado as the terrible storms pounded the windshield. But when we look at the pictures of the devastation in Colorado; when we look at the tragedies at the Washington Navy Yard and the mall in Kenya, we realize how very, very small our personal inconveniences are. How very, very small!
It is wonderful for us that the move feels right. Already dinners and time with children and grandchildren. Our local teenage grandson has been here to help unpack and the baby is soon to take his first steps. The house is setting up nicely and the view of the lake and ducks is better than expected. But really, how very very small!
As we drove through some major cities (like Kansas City and Denver) I was amazed at the millions of cars and people on their way to their very important appointments. But really how very, very small!
I guess a major change in our daily routine , like this move, has the wonderful consequence of shaking up our perspectives and horizons.
I pray that as the daily inconveniences appear, as the move loses some of its excitement, I will remember the thousands of miles, the millions of people, the tragedies encountered by so many and remember how very, very small I am.
I pray I remember that even though I am so very, very small, God loves me as his daughter. I pray you remember that this day also. Wow!
Blessings-Penny
Blessings
It is wonderful for us that the move feels right. Already dinners and time with children and grandchildren. Our local teenage grandson has been here to help unpack and the baby is soon to take his first steps. The house is setting up nicely and the view of the lake and ducks is better than expected. But really, how very very small!
As we drove through some major cities (like Kansas City and Denver) I was amazed at the millions of cars and people on their way to their very important appointments. But really how very, very small!
I guess a major change in our daily routine , like this move, has the wonderful consequence of shaking up our perspectives and horizons.
I pray that as the daily inconveniences appear, as the move loses some of its excitement, I will remember the thousands of miles, the millions of people, the tragedies encountered by so many and remember how very, very small I am.
I pray I remember that even though I am so very, very small, God loves me as his daughter. I pray you remember that this day also. Wow!
Blessings-Penny
Blessings
Thursday, September 5, 2013
roaming
I just had to reset my cell phone for the closest tower reception. That is call "roaming" and I like the word because that is what it feels like we are up to. In fact, I needed to relearn how to "roam" because we are moving---again!! Yep! We are off for the next part of our adventure. As of Monday, Sept. 9, we are moving to Las Vegas, Nevada---otherwise known as "sin city." I certainly hope that is not the case for us.
The decision to do this move has been in the works for about 8 months. The ultimate reason is to be nearer a couple of our children. One adult son and family live in Las Vegas and another is about a 4 hour drive from there in Southern California. A number of family members and friends have responded with "You are doing what??? Going where??" We know many people do not understand our willingness to move, to explore, to revise decisions. For us the upbeat side is we enjoy new places and people. We see it as being flexible and open...roaming. The downbeat side is many people see us nuts-absolutely nuts. So be it.
So we've packed the boxes, changed the addresses, and said goodbyes. We have rented a neat looking house in "Vegas" and look forward to time with children, grandchildren, gorgeous nearby state and national parks---and a sense of security with family nearby.
Tomorrow we disconnect the cable for tv and computer so I won't be blogging until we get hooked up again...probably about 2 weeks.
Please keep us in your prayers as we embark on our 1600 mile drive and we will connect again in about 2 weeks. I pray you remember to check in again at that time. I'd hate to lose you!
Do you have a major decision that people may respond, "You're doing what??? Are you nuts???" Have you thought about all the pros and cons? Have you asked God to be with you in the decision--even when you "roam?" Do you know that He is?
Blessings-Penny
The decision to do this move has been in the works for about 8 months. The ultimate reason is to be nearer a couple of our children. One adult son and family live in Las Vegas and another is about a 4 hour drive from there in Southern California. A number of family members and friends have responded with "You are doing what??? Going where??" We know many people do not understand our willingness to move, to explore, to revise decisions. For us the upbeat side is we enjoy new places and people. We see it as being flexible and open...roaming. The downbeat side is many people see us nuts-absolutely nuts. So be it.
So we've packed the boxes, changed the addresses, and said goodbyes. We have rented a neat looking house in "Vegas" and look forward to time with children, grandchildren, gorgeous nearby state and national parks---and a sense of security with family nearby.
Tomorrow we disconnect the cable for tv and computer so I won't be blogging until we get hooked up again...probably about 2 weeks.
Please keep us in your prayers as we embark on our 1600 mile drive and we will connect again in about 2 weeks. I pray you remember to check in again at that time. I'd hate to lose you!
Do you have a major decision that people may respond, "You're doing what??? Are you nuts???" Have you thought about all the pros and cons? Have you asked God to be with you in the decision--even when you "roam?" Do you know that He is?
Blessings-Penny
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
confidence
We attended another college graduation last week. The young woman graduate had just completed her undergraduate degree in microbiology at a very prestigious Midwest university in 3 years. I asked her how she had managed it---how did she have the confidence to undertake the course work and the challenges. She is not a boastful person but said there were a couple of things. One was that she thought there was no way she could afford a fourth year. The college loan debt would have been overwhelming so she felt she had to double up on courses taken each semester. Plus she said, "I know I am smart and I figured I could do it." She does have a very high IQ! When I asked about stress levels, she said she never felt too much stress. She planned her work and studied but never felt she couldn't do it.
When I asked where she thought she acquired that confidence, she said she thought it came over the years. She thought past successes in high school, teachers who mentored her and told her she could accomplish this or that, and the ongoing support of her parents were the foundation of her confidence.
There is nothing new or startling about those insights. We all have read those ideas from many sources. But what about those of us without a "very high IQ" and those of us who do not feel we are particularly bright, or haven't had mentors or parents who support our achievements? How do we achieve success or even just keep going through the stresses and challenges of everyday?
I think we set short term goals. This young woman is unsure of what her next step will be. She doesn't have a major life plan. She bites off her life in manageable, measurable goals. "I'll get through college and then I'll figure out what's next...I'll keep this loan manageable so I don't get overwhelmed and have to take the wrong job."
For those of us in recovery, there is a valuable lesson here. We don't have to envision our recovery as life long. We only have to get through the next day or week or month. Then we can go on from there. That "recovery" can be from any of the challenges we face---addiction, of course, but also from episodes of anger, from running up credit card debt, from eating problems, from promiscuity, from porn, from anything that causes us stress---from anything that keeps us from our relationship with God.
We remember to turn to God for His grace. He is our mentor, our parent. He assures us of His unconditional love and grace. He is there for us--if only we remember. He doesn't care if we don't have a "very high IQ."
What measurable goal can you set today to reduce your stress from the challenges you face? Can you remember that God is right there giving you His love and grace.
Blessings-Penny
When I asked where she thought she acquired that confidence, she said she thought it came over the years. She thought past successes in high school, teachers who mentored her and told her she could accomplish this or that, and the ongoing support of her parents were the foundation of her confidence.
There is nothing new or startling about those insights. We all have read those ideas from many sources. But what about those of us without a "very high IQ" and those of us who do not feel we are particularly bright, or haven't had mentors or parents who support our achievements? How do we achieve success or even just keep going through the stresses and challenges of everyday?
I think we set short term goals. This young woman is unsure of what her next step will be. She doesn't have a major life plan. She bites off her life in manageable, measurable goals. "I'll get through college and then I'll figure out what's next...I'll keep this loan manageable so I don't get overwhelmed and have to take the wrong job."
For those of us in recovery, there is a valuable lesson here. We don't have to envision our recovery as life long. We only have to get through the next day or week or month. Then we can go on from there. That "recovery" can be from any of the challenges we face---addiction, of course, but also from episodes of anger, from running up credit card debt, from eating problems, from promiscuity, from porn, from anything that causes us stress---from anything that keeps us from our relationship with God.
We remember to turn to God for His grace. He is our mentor, our parent. He assures us of His unconditional love and grace. He is there for us--if only we remember. He doesn't care if we don't have a "very high IQ."
What measurable goal can you set today to reduce your stress from the challenges you face? Can you remember that God is right there giving you His love and grace.
Blessings-Penny
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