I wish I had titled these last blogs "forgiveness" rather than anger. Forgiveness surely is the goal.
Another consideration that Desmond Tutu says is part of the process of forgiveness is to develop empathy for the person with whom you are angry. In that process we consider what might have happened to the person who has hurt us. What happened in their past that shaped them, their response to us, their interaction with us? We may never know what happened but we can be assured that something or someone has caused them to be who they are with their own anxieties,fears and beliefs.
Are you willing to consider what happened to the person with whom you are angry?
Do you know specifically what happened? Can you consider that they were shaped by something that hurt them and they are reacting to you in a way that feels protective to them?
The Amish say forgiveness is work that never ends.
Blessings-Penny
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Forgiveness-II
"Forgiveness is not forgetting, nor is it overlooking or excusing. In fact forgiveness is just the opposite. Although we may forgive someone, we still hold them acoountable for his or her behavior." p. 162-"Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." Again this material is from Desmond Tutu's book "No Future Without Forgiveness."
As I think about the issue about which I am working through my anger, I am reassured to hear from Tutu that I needn't feel I must forget this issue or overlook it or excuse it. The person with whom I am angry shared the issue with others in a way that feels like a betrayal of trust. She could have come to me to sort it through. If we could not have sorted it out, she could have told me she was going to take it to others. The atmosphere feels unsafe. She is accountable for her behavior. I am to forgive AND I hold her accountable.
Jesus says I must forgive 70 times 7-I'm working on that!
Blessings-Penny
As I think about the issue about which I am working through my anger, I am reassured to hear from Tutu that I needn't feel I must forget this issue or overlook it or excuse it. The person with whom I am angry shared the issue with others in a way that feels like a betrayal of trust. She could have come to me to sort it through. If we could not have sorted it out, she could have told me she was going to take it to others. The atmosphere feels unsafe. She is accountable for her behavior. I am to forgive AND I hold her accountable.
Jesus says I must forgive 70 times 7-I'm working on that!
Blessings-Penny
Thursday, August 11, 2011
forgiveness
I have been very angry with someone in my life for several weeks. I am working on my response and know I must work through the anger for my own peace. My working through it takes me back to my book and the chapter on anger. So for the next few posts I want to focus on the model of forgiveness of Desmond Tutu that is referred to in Chapter 6.
" 'Forgive and forget' is what we are often encouraged to do. But that is not possible-at least the forget part. In fact, we need to remember." p. 180
In discussing the issue and circumstances involved with my anger a couple of people have encouraged me to forget it. They've said things like "You need to move on" or "Maybe we should do a mediation." Both of these responses seem to diminish my feeling. I need to remember because the incident involved someone in power communicating an incident to others in power in an untruthful and demeaning manner. The hurt this has caused felt purposeful. I need to remember so I am careful about what I share with this person both personally and professionally. It is important I acknowledge the pain and not let it fester.
What hurt or pain has been pushed down in your life?
Does the anger set you up for relapse?
Are you willing to begin exploring the issue? It really is important.
Blessings-Penny
" 'Forgive and forget' is what we are often encouraged to do. But that is not possible-at least the forget part. In fact, we need to remember." p. 180
In discussing the issue and circumstances involved with my anger a couple of people have encouraged me to forget it. They've said things like "You need to move on" or "Maybe we should do a mediation." Both of these responses seem to diminish my feeling. I need to remember because the incident involved someone in power communicating an incident to others in power in an untruthful and demeaning manner. The hurt this has caused felt purposeful. I need to remember so I am careful about what I share with this person both personally and professionally. It is important I acknowledge the pain and not let it fester.
What hurt or pain has been pushed down in your life?
Does the anger set you up for relapse?
Are you willing to begin exploring the issue? It really is important.
Blessings-Penny
Saturday, August 6, 2011
selfish actions
This is from a reflection by Walter Wangerin, Jr. "There are no private choices. There is no such thing as 'your own thing.' All selfish action damages those in love with you."
Who are the people in love with you?
How are they damaged if you choose to drink or drug?
Blessings-Penny
Who are the people in love with you?
How are they damaged if you choose to drink or drug?
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
prayer for you
This came from a friend and I pass to you with love and blessings:
Dear God,
This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest of places where it seems impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.
Amen!
Dear God,
This is my friend whom I love and this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest of places where it seems impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe.
Amen!
Friday, July 29, 2011
happiness and joy
Is there a difference for you between happiness and joy?
How do you define them?
When you experience either of those emotions how do they feel? Is there a difference?
Women I have spoken with about these emotions talk about happiness as a "lightness." They experience joy as a deeper emotion, connected to within.
In terms of recovery, for me 'happiness' is when I am successfully working on one of the S.T.I.G.M.A. issues-often the A.=anger! When I am able to negotiate around an incident or issue or person that has made me angry, then I feel pleased, successful, happy. There is a lightness to my day.
On the other hand 'joy" comes when I am aware of being open to a conversation with God. Even in a troubled, stressful time or angry time, if I am able to talk with God about the problem, there is a deep sense of connection, of 'joy.' Of course, God already knows the problem (He knows our prayer before we ask). When I remember to be open to His presence, the sense of being in relationship makes me joyful. I certainly may not hear a clear answer in that conversation but I know I am heard and He is with me. He promised! JOY. That is real recovery!
Blessings-Penny
How do you define them?
When you experience either of those emotions how do they feel? Is there a difference?
Women I have spoken with about these emotions talk about happiness as a "lightness." They experience joy as a deeper emotion, connected to within.
In terms of recovery, for me 'happiness' is when I am successfully working on one of the S.T.I.G.M.A. issues-often the A.=anger! When I am able to negotiate around an incident or issue or person that has made me angry, then I feel pleased, successful, happy. There is a lightness to my day.
On the other hand 'joy" comes when I am aware of being open to a conversation with God. Even in a troubled, stressful time or angry time, if I am able to talk with God about the problem, there is a deep sense of connection, of 'joy.' Of course, God already knows the problem (He knows our prayer before we ask). When I remember to be open to His presence, the sense of being in relationship makes me joyful. I certainly may not hear a clear answer in that conversation but I know I am heard and He is with me. He promised! JOY. That is real recovery!
Blessings-Penny
Sunday, July 24, 2011
mistake
In a group discussion today we were considering the mistakes we make in our lives and if we really learn from them. I was reminded of a twist on that word "mistake" that I learned several years ago. We can break the word "mistake" into two parts and consider a poor decision as a "missed-take." In that way, a decision that does not work out for the best does not need to become, in our eyes,a disaster or even the final word. If I can consider a "mistake" a "missed take", I can return to the decision and work it through again. I can have another "take" at it.
For example, if a person in recovery finds herself at a risky place or even if she uses again, she can consider her decision that got her there a "missed take." It would have been healthier to make another decsion. But it is not a mistake that has to lead her further into shame or guilt. It is not a mistake from which she cannot recover. It is a "missed take." She can make a decision to work through the consequences in a new way.
At times does the regret over old "mistakes" fill you with guilt?
Would it be helpful to think through the "missed take" and consider what you might have done instead? What you might do now?
Can you be open to hear God's promise that He is with you as you make new decisions and "take" new paths? He promises to consider all those old poor decisions as "missed takes." "Nothing in all creation wil ever be able to separate us from the love of God." Isn't that an amazing promise?
Blessings-Penny
For example, if a person in recovery finds herself at a risky place or even if she uses again, she can consider her decision that got her there a "missed take." It would have been healthier to make another decsion. But it is not a mistake that has to lead her further into shame or guilt. It is not a mistake from which she cannot recover. It is a "missed take." She can make a decision to work through the consequences in a new way.
At times does the regret over old "mistakes" fill you with guilt?
Would it be helpful to think through the "missed take" and consider what you might have done instead? What you might do now?
Can you be open to hear God's promise that He is with you as you make new decisions and "take" new paths? He promises to consider all those old poor decisions as "missed takes." "Nothing in all creation wil ever be able to separate us from the love of God." Isn't that an amazing promise?
Blessings-Penny
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