relationships

Joe and I facilitate a grief group at our church. It's been going on for almost 2 years and often the conversation expands into discussions of the member's relationships with the person for whom they are grieving. Monday night a young woman was talking about the death of her mother 2 years ago. The first thing she said was, "I don't miss the fighting. I miss the good times but I don't miss the fighting. ...we fought all the time...we butted heads....we were so much alike." Then she shared something that troubled me.  "And that's how my 10 year old daughter and I are...We fight all the time,"

This disclosure troubled me because it highlighted the unhealthy relationship pattern that she is in. She communicates and relates to these important people by fighting.  My sense is no one enjoys that kind of relationship. I wonder when she dies if her daughter will say, "I don't miss the fighting."

We all learn communication patterns from our homes. Sometimes it makes us smile when we hear ourselves say something our parents said. It's important to take a look at and to listen to our communication and relationships. Are we duplicating some of the things we heard and did from home? Are those patterns healthy? Are they the ways we want our children to copy and maybe to remember when we are not with them?

God, help me to hear the way I talk and listen to my children and loved ones. Is it a loving manner in which they feel treasured?

Blessings-Penny

one month

It's been a month since I've written a blog. A friend emailed and asked if I was ok? I reassured her I was---maybe I had just run out of things to say. She assured me I hadn't! she was right.

Today I attended a conference of faith and recovery. It was useful in confirming my strong belief that long term recovery happens when we place our recovery in our relationship with God. That is when the joy and peace of recovery comes alive within us. Sometimes conferences don't break new ground but they give information and concepts to people new to recovery whether they be treatment providers or clients. This felt like one of those. And helped remind me that even if what I say, I've said before maybe there is someone new reading this blog and they will hear it for the first time.

Also I need to be reminded of these concepts of recovery, faith and God over and over and over. No matter how long we have been in recovery, this is a chronic disease and we need to pay attention. It is a tiger that creeps in the grass and when we don't pay attention, it rears up and bites us on the ass! really! Pay attention.

And as the preface to my book says in quoting the philosopher, Pascal, "There is a God-Shaped void in the heart of every man which cannot be filled with any created thing but only by God, the creator, made known through Jesus Christ."

Books on amazon.com "Filling the God Shaped Void-a book of daily meditations" and "Broken by Addiction , Blessed by God.-a woman's journey into long term recovery."

Blessings-Penny

parents' anquish

I smiled and empathized with the television tape of the parents of a USA Olympic gymnast as she performed her routine on the balance beam. The mother absolutely covered her eyes, writhed and contorted in stress as the daughter jumped and twisted and spun. The father too leaned and stretched with his daughter. Their stress was palpable. That's how we are with those we love.

I think that must be what God looks like as we attempt to live our lives. when we are in tough times. I think He must cover His eyes and lean and contort with us...praying we don't fall and if we do that we get back up and try it again.

Another gymnast when questioned why she was attempting to defend her gold medal against very strong odds said, "I hate regret more than anything." Do we try again even when we fail because to not try would lead to regret?

Some of the choices I have made over the past 20 years have not turned out as happily as I had hoped. But I do not regret them. I took risks. I tried. No regrets....well, not many.  I pray He has covered His eyes at a few of my choices and leaned and contorted with me at others.

Do you know He is there with you?
Blessings-Penny

the best they can

Not infrequently I get irritated, frustrated, saddened that friends or relatives seem to let me down. I met with a friend recently who expressed the same sadness and frustration. She was off to give a presentation at a conference and it was a big deal. She had donated many times over the years to her company's sunshine fund and yet had had no personal health or big events to receive any recognition from the club. She was secretly hoping that the club would give her flowers or at least a card to celebrate her big day. Nope-nothing. She acknowledged the lack of recognition was a disappointment and took a little of the shine off her departure.

I know from a "therapeutic" perspective that our "secret" hopes and expectations are a major part of our disappointments. Other people can't read our minds. If we need something, we need to ask, be clear. So on one level I want to tell myself, "People are doing the best they can. If I need or want something, tell them." On the other hand, surprise phone calls, cards, flowers---in recognition of an event---or just because someone is thinking of you---are such a delight.

Who would love a phone call or flowers from you---just because you are thinking of them?

That's one way to do the best you can---to be the best you can be---to live in the kingdom of God---really!!!
Blessings-Penny

praying in disappointment

In yesterdays' meditation Fred Buechner isn't really talking about disappointment but he is talking about sadness and need for healing. I thought of my family with their sadness and disappointment yesterday. Buechner says, ""But there are other times--often the most unexpected, unlikely times--when strong as life itself comes the sense there is holiness deeper than shabbiness and horror (sadness and disappointment) and at the very heart of darkness a light unutterable..and in that room of thanksgiving and remembering there is peace."

In our disappointments and darkness we pray to remember God's wonderful work in our lives---to feel that light unutterable---peace.

Blessings-Penny

disappointment

Some of our family had a big trip planned for 2 days ago. It was a plane trip to "home" (across country) and family where the parents had grown up and also their now adult daughter. The mom had recently completed 2 years of chemo/bone marrow transplant and very very difficult recovery. She had missed trips "home" for 2 years though her large family had visited here. For her it was to be sort of a victory lap.
Along with their adult daughter were daughter's husband, mom's own husband  and two grand children--ages 3 and 1 1/2 years. Mom had agreed to use a wheelchair---kids needed stroller and car seat---and seven suitcases. Not an easy trip.

As they waited to check the car seat at the gate, the screen flashed to "flight cancelled." Can  you imagine??!! I've had difficult trips but this one was an absolute nightmare. Finally after several hours and very little help from the airline, they simply cancelled. The arrangements the airline suggested were absolutely not do-able.

They drove home amidst many tears, without luggage, without a new plan. When they arrived home the 3 year old (who had really been prepped for this trip) said, "Mommy, I didn't like that trip."

Now in the old days, that would have been a real excuse for a couple of shots of bourbon for me. It made me think about how we respond to disappointment in recovery. In recovery we need new strategies. It has to be part of our recovery plan---can't wait for the disappointment  and then figure it out.

What is your recovery plan for disappointment---even the small everyday disappointments?
Does it include prayer? Does it include remembering God is always with us to help us through?

Blessings-Penny

the computer, the robins and family

My computer crashed! Holy shamoly the frustration! ...buy which replacement? how to pay bills while no internet? how to work the new one? no link to printer-yet----touch pad-no mouse! no Microsoft word!
I can really get worked up about all of this.

Then I sat on the patio this morning and watched the robins feeding the babies in the nest in the tree at the edge of the patio. Peaceful---full of peace, a gift.

Then a friend called with much sadness---family struggles, difficult situation, difficult communication, the possibility of a deep split.

Life can be so hard---the little stuff, the big stuff---making certain we know what is big stuff and what is little stuff It seems to me the big stuff is the family stuff-the relationships. The rest of it is really trivial.

Dear God, today let me be mindful that I don't waste your or my time on the trivial. Let me pray for the friend and her family. Let me take great pleasure in the robins. Let me not get so stressed by the computer. Remind me to be thankful I can buy a new one---for heavens sake!!!

Blessings-Penny

does it make a difference in how you live your life?

The story of "doubting Thomas" was the focus of a recent meditation we have been reading. We know the story---the disciple Thomas was told of Jesus resurrection but said if he didn't see the holes in Christ's hands or place his hand in the gash in Christ's side, he would not believe in the resurrection. The writer of our meditation said that this is our story---that it is so very hard for us to believe in Christ's resurrection in a way that "affects how we live our lives."

That seems so very true. If we really believed in Christ's resurrection how different would our lives be? Would we leave all---everything---and live our lives differently?

Do you believe?

Even now on a daily basis would that belief make a difference in how you live your everyday---more patient with your spouse, children, co-workers? More generous to those in need---with your time, your money? Take more time to pray---to talk with God? Thank God for his gifts---your recovery?What difference?

Interesting to think about.

Blessings-Penny

the back yard again

About 6 a.m. I take our boxer dog out for her first "outing" of the day. Usually we go out front for a quick 'relief" and then back in for breakfast before our morning walk. However the last few days, because of the intense heat here in Las Vegas (112 degrees!) other dog owners are up early also ---and some without dogs on leash. Izzy does not do well with other dogs---so we have been going out back on the golf course for the first "outing" of the day. Probably not legal in homeowner rules but no one has said anything -yet.

The point is the temperature in the back yard on the golf course is unbelievably cooler than on the front street side of the house. Now we've all been aware that cities hold their heat even overnight--- and a lot of that is due to asphalt streets holding their heat. But I never realized how much that would be true even in a suburb such as we live in. Probably some of that retained heat is because of the unbelievable daytime temperatures here-- (I sure wasn't aware of this is Vermont!). But nonetheless it really does make a point of what urban/suburban growth has done to our planet. No lectures here on global warming but wow---what a lesson.

I will continue to enjoy my early mornings on the golf course---and be aware of man's impact.

God gave us this beautiful planet. Are we caring for it? Are you?

Blessings-Penny

location, location, location

In all the horror and tragedy of the past week, there was a lovely reminder of the beauty and peace of nature, of God, in our backyard. Yesterday morning a baby robin perched on a small fence surrounding our patio. Daddy robin sat next to him offering a berry. The baby sat there for many minutes---maybe 20--- before getting the nerve to try his wings. Mother and dad flew by several times, chasing away an intrusive cat bird. Finally baby tentatively took flight---not very far but mom and dad remained right there as he tested his wings. .

And then this morning robin parents were again very active in the same area....same robins or another family, I do not know. As I sat with newspaper and coffee and followed their flight I spotted the nest---nestled in the trunk of the tree where the limbs started to spread....just above the patio. I watched all morning as they flew back and forth from nest to grass to nest-clearly feeding babies still in the nest.

When my husband came out, I showed him the hollow where the parents busied themselves. "That's a great spot." It made me think of the realtor suggestion when buying a house, "It's all about location, location, location."

Thank you, gracious God, for giving me a few moments of peace and delight --reminding me to place all trust and faith in your presence---your presence in my life and the lives of the families and friends touched by all the violence of the past week. Help us remember your arms surround us and hold us---always.

Blessings-Penny

three little words

Heard on tv last night. "The three most important  words in a relationship are not, 'I love you.' The three most important words are 'I hear you.'"
Isn't that true? We all just want to be heard. Don't think you have to fix it. Just hear me--my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my doubts, my fears, my opinions.
God hears us.
Do we hear Him?
Blessings-Penny

sadness

I was talking with a friend this week about sadness. She recently attended a family reunion which apparently triggered a lot of memories associated with a particularly significant loss of many years ago. The loss was of a career, a profession, in which she had a very personal connection. It was truly who she saw herself as---not just a job---but essential to her core. The loss was related to her addiction and she acknowledges it was truly her own fault.

I was empathizing that the anniversary of my daughter's death is coming around again and the anniversary triggers the depth of her loss again. My friend's comment was meaningful. "You know you put the loss aside on a daily basis. You go on and realize that you have to get on with your life. But when a trigger such as my reunion or your daughter's death anniversary comes around, the pain returns. It's not like it was years ago---it's like it was ten minutes ago or 10 days ago."

How do we go on when the sadness is so core? When it again invades our nighttime and daytime dreams and thoughts?

The only way I know is to pray. To ask God to help me feel His loving arms holding me. I don't always feel that every day. There are certainly times I even wonder about the whole existence of God.
And yet, in times of deep sadness, there is a real comfort in prayer and even the hope that God is holding the sadness with me. "Faith...the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen."
Blessings-Penny

welcoming

I have a trip East planned in a couple of weeks. It's for high school graduations of 2 grand children and the priority is time with kids and grand kids. However,  I had hoped to link up with 2 girlfriends from years past---we had spent a wonderful night together 2 years ago. But they are busy---busy in ways that left me feeling that our friendship was not high on their lists. I know we are all busy but their reasons seemed a bit lame.

Anyway, I contacted another friend who truly has a complicated, stressful life. We haven't had time together for several years. When I emailed her with a suggestion of dinner together, her response was,"Absolutely! We will make it work!" It felt like arms open wide--welcoming me.

Is that how coming home to God is? If we have lapsed in our spirituality, in making God a priority in our life, when we ask to come home, does He open His arms wide and say, "Absolutey! We will make it work!"

I believe that. I also believe because God does that for us, we do it for others. Is there someone in your life who would be thrilled to hear you say, "Absolutely! We will make it work!"

Blessings-Penny

pet peeve

We went to a matinee concert yesterday---a beautiful classical music presentation. The usual request was given for everyone to turn off their cell phones and all other mobile devices.

And then there were two! One to our right and one to our left. As the magnificent sonatas were played the annoying lights of their phones came on. One took pictures. A few minutes later the other  answered a text. Do they think the request is not for them??!! The lights from their devices really were distracting! I wanted to tap them on the shoulder and ask what made them so important. Of cours I didn't. I just stewed.

Then as we drove home I considered how fortunate I am. If the biggest annoyance in my life is the light from someone's cell phone disturbing my afternoon concert, I really better re-examine my state of thankfulness. In Bible study in the morning we had talked about contentment. How so many of us in this day and age complain, think life is unfair. The political discourse is sad if not frightening---the anger, the discontent. Personal conversations are filled with complaints.

One woman in the Bible study who works with severely disabled children talked about the parents of the children...how some of them seem to accept that this (the child's disability) is just a part of life. They don't seem angry...they don't seem discontent. They accept and work to make the best of their situation.

What makes the difference? What makes some of us so irritable...ready to pounce? What makes some of us more content with what life presents?

"God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." The truth of familiar prayers.

Blessings-Penny

another view

We drove out past Red Rock Canyon this morning to a breakfast gathering. Most of the times we drive to Red Rock Canyon we are taking visitors to enjoy the history and views within the canyon. It is so worth seeing. This time we drove past the usual route and enjoyed a different view. The massiveness and multi colors of the rocks are absolutely inspiring. Each way you turn, the sky is bright blue and the majesty is overwhelming.

It is reminder that in our lives, each incident, each conversation, each relationship is worth viewing from a different perspective. If we just take the time to consider another person's opinion, to consider their history, to consider their view of things, we might have a whole different picture.

I need to learn how to download some of these pictures on this blog. I'd love to share them with you---God's grandeur--Gods' gifts.

Is there another perspective you need to consider?

Blessings-Penny

another generation

The other grandmother, Debbie,  and I baby sat the grandchildren last week...babysitter emergency. The children are a boy almost 4 years old, let's call him David and a 14 month old girl, let's call her Elizabeth. They are precious children (of course). What struck me was watching them problem solve.

I sat on the floor with Elizabeth in the morning and played with Fisher Price little people going down a slide on the side of an amusement park toy.. Later in the afternoon as I sat on the floor and watched her the little people were spread throughout the living room floor. She was sitting next to the amusement park toy and looking at the little people. Next thing I saw was Elizabeth toddling around the floor, picking up the little people and taking them back over to slide down the slide. Fourteen months!! Isn't that brilliant??

And then Debbie had a card for David to complete for his mother for Mother's Day. The card had a series of incomplete sentences such as "My mother is powerful when...." or "I love it when my mother...." As Debbie read the incomplete sentences David filled in the personal testimonies. He got it immediately!! He only needed instructions once. That's pretty amazing for a three year old boy!

So in looking back over the past two weeks I am touched, moved and feeling blessed---watching the teenagers two weeks ago and the babies last week. I may not be the highest priority in those families but I belong.

Are you feeling blessed? Included? No matter what, we are a priority in God's family.

Blessings-Penny

the periphery

I just spent 4 days in southern California with my son and his family. It was a lovely visit---good food, comfortable home with great view, time with each of them---and especially a few private hours with my grand daughter. Lexi is just about to be 17. She has her first boyfriend. He's cute, plays football, goes to a different high school. They met at a church youth group. While I was there he asked her parents if he could have their "blessing" (his word) for them to be boyfriend and girlfriend!

Who does that these days??!! Who has those kind of manners??!! What I mostly read about is teenagers posting naked pictures on social media, bullying, hooking up. Where did these two very nice kids come from?? Of course they came from homes where parents take time to talk about responsibility, consequences of behavior, respect, manners. I'm so very pleased for all of them---the kids sense of social behavior, the pride the parents must feel.

The whole visit, however, was not "perfect." The parents went to a social event and though I was hesitantly invited it was clearly an event they felt awkward including me. They had apologized for the need to attend before I visited but I still felt "on the periphery" when the time came. My husband and I are slowly coming to the realization that we are "on the periphery" with all of our children. We understand they are all busy with children, jobs, exercise, homes etc. etc. etc. But the clear realization of our peripheral standing is giving us a bit of a jolt. We have seen it coming and talked about it but each occasion is a bit of an "ouch."

The good news is that this realization gives us an opportunity to see our relationship as a gift---strong, connected, humor filled, willing to talk and wrestle with these issues, mutually supportive; we play well together.

And we realize that we are not on the periphery of God's family. We are included and cherished in His family.

So are you---no matter where you might feel peripheral---you are one of God's children---treasured, loved and important.

Blessings-Penny

storage units

Have you noticed how many streets have big storage unit complexes? Even an investment firm is advertising that storage units are the next best investment. People buy a lot of stuff and then need to store something to make room for the new thing.

One of my family groups is selling their house. They are in the process of "staging" it so it can look beautiful to sell. They have been told to reduce their clutter so they are packing up boxes and boxes of stuff and putting it into a storage unit. Now if they can store it for several months, how much of it do they really need?

They work hard. They can afford their clutter. They have 4 children. But, again, if they can manage without this "clutter" for months, do they really need it?

I think it's a question for all of us. How much of our stuff is clutter and how much do we really need?
Our consumerism is owning us. We work hard. We put ourselves under such stress----for what? ---so we can buy more stuff to store? I'm as bad as the next guy. We went to an estate sale on Friday. I bought a set of brightly painted dishes---not a full set but enough to fill up a cupboard. They are colorful. Fun---something very different from what I have.  When I use them I call it our "happy meal." But I truly didn't need them. More stuff. More work to find space.

If I want a simple life...if I want less stress...I need to take time to think through what I buy.  Will this simplify my life or complicate it?

This clutter is just one of the pieces of life as we search for real peace... "a peace that passes all understanding." The real peace comes from knowing we are held in God's arms. No storage units...no painted dishes. Just trust.

Today, let me take a deep breath...and trust.

Blessings-Penny

topics

Sometimes---not often---but sometimes I wonder what topic I might write about in this blog. Clearly there are good people who check if there is something new on here. You seem to check a couple of times a month. And if you check it seems I need to make the effort to write something. And clearly there is enough "stuff" going on in the world that there should be an easily available topic.

But at these times I wonder if there is anything more to say---anything that hasn't been said;  like----
---the current politics in this country are profoundly troubling and embarrassing :
---Isis needs to be stopped somehow without killing innocent people
---mental illness treatment needs to be funded
There are lots of topics for which I have a strong opinion, but my opinion is nothing new or profound.

And then there are the good things:
---my son's fifth anniversary and the strong family he and his wife created---a situation that took much work and sacrifice ---one of those daily miracles
---my friend's (more than friend) continued recovery from her bone marrow transplant ---and her new curly hair---one of those daily miracles
---the gorgeous roses blooming so profusely in this neighborhood---daily miracle

Don't you sometimes wonder what meaning this all has?
How am I to be in all of this?

I guess it's an existential Monday. Sounds like a song title.---sounds like I'm a little loose today.
Relax---enjoy---and join me in my existential Monday.
Thank God---really---for a day to be a little loose.

Blessings-Penny

a life

We had our kitchen cabinets, walls etc. painted last week. What chaos! I certainly didn't expect the amount of  plastic sheeting and taping required. This is a small house and it felt like we were living in a plastic bubble. Anyway, it's done and looks lovely.

At one point I heard the woman forewoman of the job, Eileen, and a young co-worker talking. The forewoman was saying how difficult it is for her to learn Spanish. "English is my second language. My first language was sign language...My parents were both deaf and I learned sign language first...I had to learn to speak and speak English by spending time with my grandmother."

Now think about the challenge this woman had as a child! She talked about the challenge of elementary school...the teasing and the social consequences of halting English. She speaks fluent English now and I never would have guessed this woman's story and courage. I wish I had time to hear more. How did she learn to overcome her obstacles? How did she gain the confidence to persue her goals? (She was a tough forewomam---gave instructions in both English and Spanish---firm, no nonsense voice.)

A symbol of Eileen's success was a beautiful dark green F100 truck---immaculately kept. What did that truck represent to her?

Aren't people's stories amazing? And to think of the stories we miss hearing---the nurse, the teacher, the clerk, the pastor, the taxi driver, the housekeeper. Each of us has a story---a story so important.

Each of us is a child of God. Loved and cherished.

Dear God, today help me take a moment to look into the eyes of the people I encounter and know there is a story---a very important story. Help me acknowledge that story by a smile.
Blessings-Penny