happiness and joy

Is there a difference for you between happiness and joy?
How do you define them?
When you experience either of those emotions how do they feel? Is there a difference?

Women I have spoken with about these emotions talk about happiness as a "lightness." They experience joy as a deeper emotion, connected to within.

In terms of recovery, for me 'happiness' is when I am successfully working on one of the S.T.I.G.M.A. issues-often the A.=anger! When I am able to negotiate around an incident or issue or person that has made me angry, then I feel pleased, successful, happy. There is a lightness to my day.

On the other hand 'joy" comes when I am aware of being open to a conversation with God. Even in a troubled, stressful time or angry time, if I am able to talk with God about the problem, there is a deep sense of connection, of 'joy.' Of course, God already knows the problem (He knows our prayer before we ask). When I remember to be open to His presence, the sense of being in relationship makes me joyful. I certainly may not hear a clear answer in that conversation but I know I am heard and He is with me. He promised! JOY. That is real recovery!

Blessings-Penny

mistake

In a group discussion today we were considering the mistakes we make in our lives and if we really learn from them. I was reminded of a twist on that word "mistake" that I learned several years ago. We can break the word "mistake" into two parts and consider a poor decision as a "missed-take." In that way, a decision that does not work out for the best does not need to become, in our eyes,a disaster or even the final word. If I can consider a "mistake" a "missed take", I can return to the decision and work it through again. I can have another "take" at it.

For example, if a person in recovery finds herself at a risky place or even if she uses again, she can consider her decision that got her there a "missed take." It would have been healthier to make another decsion. But it is not a mistake that has to lead her further into shame or guilt. It is not a mistake from which she cannot recover. It is a "missed take." She can make a decision to work through the consequences in a new way.

At times does the regret over old "mistakes" fill you with guilt?
Would it be helpful to think through the "missed take" and consider what you might have done instead? What you might do now?
Can you be open to hear God's promise that He is with you as you make new decisions and "take" new paths? He promises to consider all those old poor decisions as "missed takes." "Nothing in all creation wil ever be able to separate us from the love of God." Isn't that an amazing promise?

Blessings-Penny

Ineffective Communication

This past week I observed an argument between people at a voluntary organization to which I belong. It was truly an example of "ineffective communication"-chapter 3 of my book.
Without boring you with too many details, it started in a committee meeting. The committe chair said a firm "No" to a committee member. The committee member left after a few minutes and went to the executive director in tears-ready to resign from the organization. After the committee meeting adjourned the exec director strode down the hallway with "guns blazing"-so to speak. In a very angry,confrontive tone, she said to the committee chair, "I heard you had a bad meeting!" Committe chair said, "No, there was one incident that irritated one person but all in all it was a very good meeting."

Well, it went downhill from there. As I have thought about the incident over the days, it seems to me that the whole thing was such an example of persons not listening to each other. If the committee chair had listened to the volunteer a bit longer and not cut off his/her response: if the exec director in talking with the committee chair had just said something like, "I hear there was an unfortunate exchange. I have a new volunteer very upset. Please tell me your perspective of what happened," this could have all been avoided.

But as often happens we are so determined to get our point across, to have it our way, we don't listen. We bring our old anger to a conversation and we attack.

Where have you had a recent disagreement? Did you listen to the other person's perspective? Were you gentle?
Did the stress of the argument trigger an urge to drink or drug? That used to be how I handled stress and anger! That's the risk of ineffective communication.
What can you do to resolve the disagreement?

Christ tells us if we are angry we must make peace with our "brother." Do you listen?

Blessings-Penny

"Morning has broken..."

"Morning has broken like the first dawning.
Blackbird has spoken like the first song.
God's recreation..."

These are the opening words of one of my favorite hymns and it was the opening hymn of our church service on Sunday.These summer days in Vermont seem like "that first dawning...God's recreation"...clear,fresh air, sunny skies, green, green mountains and hills...and voices raised in praise of His recreation.

There has been other music this week that has touched me. Saturday was chamber music up on the mountain at a summer music school. The instuctors give a Saturday night conert each week while they are in session. I don't know alot about classical music but I know what touches me... a piece written by a Jewish composer to celebrate the Atonement-deep and rich: the talent, gifts, and expertise of the musicians, the soulful depth of the viola. One could hear the longing for a relationship with God.

And last night a symphony concert on the lawn of a mountain resort at sunset. This time there was the music itself, the setting sun painting the sky with streaks of pink, the picknicking and laughter with friends. The music was varied-classical, Broadway and jazz. It all ended with a display of fireworks to which we all reacted with the delight of children...gasping, ooohing and aahing, clapping and cheering. "God's recreation..."

Does music give you pleasure? What about it speaks to you?
No matter what your taste in music, do you hear "God's recreation"-His desire for you to be touched, to have joy?

Blessings-Penny

plow horse

In Ann Patchett's recent novel "State of Wonder" she describes her heroine's success as not inspired by "bright bursts of inspiration but by the hard labor of a field horse pulling a plow."

That's how it feels much of the time, isn't it? We just put our heads down and place one foot in front of the other-like a plow horse.
But then in recovery there really are the times of "bright bursts of inspiration" when we realize we made the right decision, the loving decision...loving for others and for ourselves.

That's how life is much of the time and that is how recovery is much of the time. We need to remember God is with us, guiding us through the field when the work is heavy and guiding us to the "bright bursts of inspiration." We are never alone.

Do you recognize God's guiding hands? When?

Blessings-Penny

our response-ability

Recently I have listened to two women friends talk about problems they have encountered with their health care systems. One is my friend Lee, who fell and has multiple serious problems from that fall. She returned last week for follow up to clinics at the county hospital where she was hospitalized and treated. In the orthopedic clinic there were approximately 120 chairs for the approximately 200 patients in the waiting room at the clinic. Each of these persons was an orthopedic patient-no family members allowed in that area. My friend, Lee, now also has atrial fibrillation, a serious cardiac complication of her fall. She had rented her own wheel chair. She said if she had not had her own wheel chair, there would have been no way she could have waited for her appointment.What about the others?

Another friend has been recently diagnosed with Lyme disease. For years she has complained to her primary physician of various symptoms which honestly appear in many popular discussions of Lyme disease. Though multiple tests were done, not once was a blood test for Lyme disease run. Many times the friend left the doctor's office feeling they were telling her she was just being neurotic. This friend now has lesions in her brain because of the progression of the disease. Fortunately she recently changed doctors. The new physician tentatively diagnosed the Lyme disease within 10 minutes of listeneing to her symptoms.She's reluctant to tell the first physician that he missed the diagnosis.

My point in sharing both of these scenarios is to restate my firm belief that we, as women, must speak up when these situations occur. By an overwhelming percentage it is women who make the health care decisions for themselves and our families. When we see these situations where a phone call, letter of email might get the attention of a manager, supervisor or the physician themselves, it is mandatory that we be assertive and take the time, and maybe the risk, to bring it to the appropriate person's attention. Lee will make that phone call or write that letter. After all she is a nurse and understands that a good nurse manager or clinic manager could remedy the inadequate number of chairs fairly easily. My friend with the undiagnosed Lyme disease is reluctant to notify the original physician that he totally missed the diagnosis, allowing the disease to progress to a devastating level. We live in a small town and she is reluctant to make waves. But if we, as customers of this health care system, don't bring issues to the attention of appropriate people, how will it ever get fixed!?

What health care issue leaves you underserved? How do you think it might be fixed?
Who should you notify? Does it have to do with your recovery?
You are the expert on yourself! You have an ability to respond--"response-ability."
If you identify an issue, suggest a different remedy, maybe someone else won't have to suffer your frustration. Finding your voice is part of recovery.
Blessings-Penny

guilt?

On June 3 I shared the episode of the fall of my friend, Lee, when she was meeting me in Los Angeles. For a couple of weeks her progress has been good. But when I spoke with her a few days ago, the news was alarming. Lee has developed atrial fibrillation (a very rapid heartbeat). She cannot walk 5 feet without severe shortness of breath. Her cardiologist has said the precipitating factor was probably the fall. I do not know how that works from a physiological perspective but I know it must be very frightening and discouraging. Of course they are doing all the medical appropriate procedures but because her jaw remains wired shut from the broken jaw, she cannot have some interventions.

I must tell you that my "guilt factor" has returned. After all she was meeting me at the station when she fell as a favor to me. One thing I find interesting in all of this has to do with "gender differences" in response to my guilt. When I relate this story to women, they respond in empathy for my friend and understanding of why I feel some guilt. When I share the story with men, they understand the seriousness of the fall and the medical consequences. However, to the last one they do not understand my guilt. I have received responses like, "That's the most neurotic thing I've ever heard you say" said somewhat in jest or "You are not responsible. If we are responsible for our own selves, that's the best we can expect."

I do not believe either the women's responses or man's responses is the "right" response. I'm just amazed at the clear differences! It's important to listen to each other. We learn.

Is there some "guilt" you hold onto?
Would there be any benefit in talking that through with a person of the other gender?
Do you listen to men in group settings and honestly explore how they see situations differently? It's worthwhile, I find.

Blessings-Penny