absolutely

A term that is overused these days in talk shows and daily conversation is "absolutely." Someone makes a point that the other person agrees with and the response is, "Absolutely."
But recently I asked a friend, a very busy friend, for an hour of her time to talk with me about a problem I was having. When I asked her if she had the time to meet with me, her immediate response was, "Absolutely." It was a wonderful affirmation-an affirmation that I was important to her and she was willing to listen to me. If she had said, "Well, let me look at my schedule---or---gee, I'm really locked in this week," I would have felt very differently about my importance to her.

Does your conversation and response to people and family and friends convey how important they are to you? Or does your own protection of your time create a message and space between you? "Absolutely!"
Blessings-Penny

apology

Rarely do I recommend a television show but I am impressed with the show "Parenthood." It addresses many of the stressors and struggles of parenting, relationships and even careers. Last week, amid other issues and themes, the mother of a teenage boy restricted him harshly for what she saw as defiance of an earlier restriction. Other persons in the family and friends told her they thought she over reacted. After some further thought, the mother went to the boy's room and said, "I think I over reacted."

It is so difficult as a parent to know what are appropriate directions and limits to set our kids. Do we interfere with their need for independence and their need to learn how to make their own decisions when we "over" react? What is over reaction?

But when we do figure out we have over reacted, do we apologize? We have a great opportunity to role model humility and asking for forgiveness when we do. We can simply say, "I think I over reacted. I want us to be able to talk these things through. I trust you. There is nothing we cannot work through together."

Even if the incident was weeks or months ago, we still have the opportunity to say, "Look I think I over reacted. Can we talk about it?" That's the important thing-we don't have to always do this parenting stuff perfectly. But we do need to stay in the relationship and demonstrate our openness.
Think of how powerful that kind of openness and communication is in all our relationships!
Blessings-Penny

our pasts

The impact our pasts, our childhoods, has on us is particularly powerful. This was brought to my attention once again as I watched a tv magazine report with the basketball star, Jerry West. Jerry is now retired and has had a splendid career. He had been an college allstar, an Olympic champion, an NBA star, team owner of the LA Lakers. To all outward appearances he had led a charmed life-lots of talent, lots of money, a lovely family. He has recently written a book which discusses the brutal abuse he received from his coal miner father in the back roads of their West Virginia home. He described frequent beatings with a belt, hiding under his bed only to be pulled out and beaten again.

This talented man, Jerry West, said he attended his father's funeral and the question he would have liked to ask his father was, "Do you think I'm worth anything now?" Jerry said this not in an angry tone but in a sad monotone. Clearly the message he received from his abusive father was that he wasn't worth anything and Jerry took this message through his whole life. He fought depression and a life full of assuming blame for every defeat his teams suffered over the years.

Hopefully most of us did not suffer the terrible abuse Jerry West did-but some of us did. And even those of us who were fortunate enough to have only normally chaotic homes received strong messages about our worth. We received those messages from parents, teachers and other adults in our lives...and later from peers. We take those messages with us for the rest of our lives. They tell us who we are. And it takes alot of work and prayer to sort through who we really are; who we really want to be and then become that person.

Who are you-with all the talents and the warts? How can you use more of those gifts and talents today and become more of the loving person you want to be?

We will talk more about these messages in the next few weeks.
Blessings-Penny

New ways

Last night was a board meeting at our local Turning Point Center. I attend the meetings on a monthly basis and am always impressed with the dedication of the staff and volunteers. Last night the director talked of her connection with the local housing coalition and jobs center. As she said, "We have to connect in new ways. I look at the people who were here when I came a year ago-enthusiastic about their recovery-engaged in the center. Then as the months have progressed they had housing problems, couldn't pay their rent because of no jobs-and manny have slipped back into their addictions."

It is the cycle we sadly have encountered over so many years. Even when the economy is good, recovery is a challenge. The director is right. We do have to connect in new ways. "If we do what we've always done, we'll get what we've always got." Some success but way too many tragic relapses.

What are you doing differently? How are you connecting differently in order to maintain your recovery?
Blessings-Penny