good to be home

Interesting trip---train ride up the west coast-1139 miles- California, Oregon, Washington, Victoria, Vancouver and back down the coast. Drought in California, huge evergreens in Oregon, lush Washington, Buchart Gardens in Victoria absolutely gorgeous, Vancouver all glass high rises. All in all an adventure with many moving parts---trains, ferries, tours, different hotels. Good to be home!!

Within an hour of coming in the house a call from a friend. Her husband has bipolar illness (with a touch of substance abuse) and he's escalating. Mental illness is such a sad. difficult disease. The family is under such stress. How to help? Resources are slim to none and as typical of this disease, he doesn't think he needs any resources.  

So we meet with them-separately. He sees her as the enemy right now. We offer support. We no longer are professionals in the field. We listen. We offer gentle options.

We pray. We encourage them to be open to God's peace.

Life is very very hard.

Blessings-Penny

a short break

We leave in 2 days for a train trip up the west coast of the US. It's called the Coastal Starlight though alot of it is interior California, Oregon and Washington. We'll see Victoria BC, Vancouver, Seattle and back home.

Should be a great trip--a dome car on the train, beautiful scenery, good food, quiet time.

Home in 10 days.

God grant us a safe trip. Take care of those we love---and a special blessing to those who read this blog---some of you I don't even know. I am touched and hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings-Penny

"walking on eggs shells"

A friend recently shared about an incident with her husband. He had wanted to buy a new set of exercise equipment. They already had an exercise bike that he rarely used. She said something like  (in a very critical tone), "You never use the bike we have! Why would we get something else that you'd just use to hang your clothes on.You never continue with exercise" And she went on. He then became silent for the remainder of the day.

My friend was incensed that he had withdrawn. "Why can't I say what I want to say? Why do I have to walk on eggs shells? When do I get to be who I am? He always criticizes me---the words I use, the way I talk."

Clearly a significant communication problem in this couple. And probably a whole lot more difficulty in the marriage than just communication. She asked what I would have said.

I hesitated. "Well, I probably would have said something but maybe in a different way. Something like, 'I really would like you to exercise more. If I saw you using the bike more first, I might be more willing to think about more equipment.' " I continued, "I try to filter or think through what I'm going to say. I don't like conflict and if I can filter and still get my thought or feeling across, I'm ok with that. I don't see it as not being who I am. I see it as valuing the relationship." I continued, "I don't think you would speak to someone at work in a critical tone or with destructive words. You might not agree with something they do, but you'd find a way to say it without being destructive....At times we don't value or respect our marital relationships or even our relationships with our children as much as we do our relationships with people at work. We say things to our family that we'd never say to someone outside the family....Do I value my anger more or the relationship more?"

Sharing our feelings in a caring, thoughtful, intentional way is not "walking on eggs shells." It is love.

God, give me the grace to be loving today.
Blessings-Penny

a sacred day

As I sat on the patio last evening reviewing my day, I realized it had been a sacred day...blessed by smiles, laughter, and joy....even some tears... sacred tears. 

As I did my 2 1/2 mile walk in the morning a male cyclist rode by and greeted me with a "Hi, Babe!" Well, it's been a long time since anyone called me "babe." Now I realize he probably calls all women Babe, and maybe my feminist leanings should have been insulted, but I was amused and pleased. I smiled the whole rest of my walk. 

Then in the afternoon Joe and I were presenting a workshop at a regional conference here in Vegas. I had let Joe's son and daughter (in-law) know the times of our presentation since they had expressed an interest in the topic a few months ago. The topic was "Grief and Hope" and someone we all love is experiencing very serious health problems. Well, as we were turning to leave the welcoming meeting, I turned around and there they were. These are very very busy professional people with 2 babies. Especially this week I had not at all expected them to come. 

How delighted, pleased, touched we were to have them take the time. Granted the topic was of interest to them but to have their love and support for us was a truly sacred gift. During my part of the presentation I talk about my daughter's death and the grief process. I am right back there----so many years ago...and tears come. I struggle to move along in the story. I looked at Joe's son and his face was so full of concern. What a gift. 

At the close of my part of the presentation I give a quote---one of my favorite from F. Buechner:

"But of this you can be sure. Whenever you feel tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest of attention.

They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next."

A beautiful, sacred day--laughter--tears---love. 

Blessings-Penny

devastating impact

Joe and I facilitate a monthly group entitled Grief and Hope. It's a small group, seven of us around the table last night, two were new. The new people were a mother and her young, adult daughter. The woman's former husband, the father of the adult daughter, had died about 10 months ago. Cause of death was alcoholism. Initially he was presented as a great guy with such a great sense of humor. As the group progressed the darker side emerged. He felt he wasn't hurting anyone since he kept his job and wasn't abusive. The daughter is clearly suffering from the loss. She feels he chose the alcohol over her. She feels she "can't live with the pain...can't get up in the morning." I am very concerned for her and suggested more immediate professional counseling

And also, once again, I was struck by the mutual feelings of those at the table. Of the seven of us at the table, five had had an alcoholic parent. The impact on each person has been devastating and each acknowledged still having feelings of anger, poor self esteem, depression, poor relationships, their own struggles with addiction. And this isn't an AA group!

Those of us given the grace from God to make changes in our lives, changes related to addiction or any other devastating disease, any disease where there is a choice to live differently, are so blessed. In the disease of addiction we do have a choice. It's a difficult choice. Often we have to choose to make changes many times. The first times often don't work. We try to do it alone. But we do have a choice. With God's grace (we don't do it alone!) we can re-decide.

We decide to take God's hand-the hand that is always there. We place recovery in our relationship with God. We accept the peace that passes all understanding. Recovery is peace---peace for ourselves and those we love.

Peace and blessings-Penny

envy?

My husband has been dieting for a couple of months. A diagnosis of "pre-diabetes" was the motivation and he has been moderating what and how much he eats. I am amazed and impressed--22 lbs. later. And the "pre-diabetes" blood sugar levels are significantly reduced.

I have mentioned his weight loss in conversations with a couple of friends and the response has often been, "don't you just hate that...or...don't you just hate him?" Well, no. As I said I am impressed and I am aware that this has taken a great deal of self denial, self discipline. This is not something that magically happened for him.

I wonder what makes people make comments like "don't you just hate that?" I guess it's envy. Most of us have some pounds we'd like to shed and though we make some effort, the weight just hangs on (literally!)  But again like so much of our communication, it really does reflect that it is all about us.

I remember in early recovery being so envious of people with years of sobriety. I thought, "I'll never have more years than they do."  Competitive---envious. I didn't really think through the years of focus and change that they had gone through.

And does that enviousness reflect a lack of gratitude---gratitude that I have enough to eat---gratitude that my body likes to eat!---gratitude that if I really want my life to be different I can make the necessary changes. I really can! I don't need to envy someone else's success. I can have my own success.

 I remember years ago reading a book that changed my life. The author said, "If there is something you don't like about your life, you can change it." What empowerment!I looked up from reading that passage and my life changed.

Is there something you would like changed in your life? Even something small? Take God's hand and he walks with you.

Blessings-Penny