integrity

The last few days the  media has been consumed with the saga of Tom Brady---mostly his destruction of his cell phone when it apparently was going to be analyzed for phone calls related to the accusation he was involved in deflating footballs before a critical football game last winter. Some say the deflation of the balls was not such a big deal though it made the balls easier to catch and reduced the chance of fumbles.

ANYWAY-the bigger issue now is the fact he apparently tried to hide evidence (destroyed the cell phone) and continues to deny the allegations that he was involved in the original deflation. His integrity is in jeopardy. He may be a great football player but can he be trusted as a person? Is he a liar?

It all is so reminiscent of so many stories in our recent history---the Watergate incident. If Nixon had just said, "Yeah, some of my guys broke in to that office. That's what we do in politics"--maybe he wouldn't have had to resign. If military had said, "We screwed intelligence related to the Viet Cong"...later "We screwed up intelligence related to weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." If Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriquez and Barry Bonds had said, "Yeah, I screwed up." If the Little League team in Chicago had not recruited from out of its geographical zone.

It just seems lying and trying to protect ourselves at all costs is the accepted "integrity" of today.
We lie when we feel trapped, backed into a corner and that is such a terrible feeling. And one lie leads to another.
One of the joys of recovery is not having to lie any more. I may screw up---and screw up royally---but it's not because I am drunk. It's because I am not perfect. What a gift!

Does recovery from whatever challenges you, give you the peace of integrity?

Blessings-Penny

those long time friends

As I mentioned in my last blog I spent time with long time friends on my trip to Virginia. Long ago we were young wives together, having babies and raising children. I have watched their journeys, They have watched mine. I think I really know them and they know me. We were talking about what is left on our bucket lists and Cathy said, "I want to drive across country by myself." This stunned me. We are not kids! I had no idea she had that kind of independent adventurous spirit. If she had said she wanted to do that with her husband, I would not have been surprised. Family has always been her priority.

But no---she wants to do it alone. The other friend and I laughed and talked about this adventure and proposed maybe we should come behind in a chase car. Nope---alone.

Things you never know until you take the time to ask...not "how are you?" but "who are you?"

Is there someone you might take time with and ask "who are you?" What might you learn?

God knows who we are and He yearns to hear our dreams and adventures. Talk with Him.

Blessings-Penny

Ouch

I have been visiting my son and his family in Virginia. I live in Nevada. Long trip.
While there we did lots of great things---a college visit trip with his two high school teenagers--a big family dinner with his four teenagers and their "friends"---separate meals with the kids where I get to find out about their lives. At the end of the visit my son took me to join up with two very very long time friends of mine for a "girls' night" at a lovely historic hotel in Richmond, Virginia. It was grand.

However the "ouch" came as my son was talking with these long time friends and their husbands before we left for the girls' night They have known him since birth. They were asking my son if he and his wife planned to stay in Virginia after the kids go off to college. My son's response was, "Well our parents live on the east coast so we will most probably stay on the east coast." (Remember I live in Nevada---far away from the east coast.) OUCH! I made a joke of it at the time but OUCH! Thoughts like "Well who am I??----Don't I count???---Am I not a priority in your thoughts of parents??"

There is a part of me that wants to excuse his statement as "He just wasn't thinking"  or "Just a careless remark" or "Well I am the one who moved far away." But I have to admit it hurt. I'm not certain what to do about it. I probably won't just let it go because it will niggle at me. But I also don't want to make it bigger than it was. I feel like some clients I have worked with who make situations like this huge. Then it leads to hurt feelings for years and emotional cutoffs. Hurt and anger are not far apart.  I don't want to do that.

So I guess I will pray about it, turn it over in my mind many times, figure out what and how to talk about it with him without putting him on the defensive, and find "the loving thing to do."

You can too.

And know God is with us in this too!

Blessings-Penny

Selfish actions

"There are no private choices.There is no such thing as "your own thing." All selfish actions damage those in love with you." This is a quote from Walter Wangerin, Jr. in his daily reflection book "Measuring Days."

The quote really requires no further analysis. But it reminds me of my own drinking days----At the beginning it was done after the children were in bed. But as in most addictions it crept into more hours of the evening and then the days. I told myself I wasn't hurting anyone but the reality was I was hurting lots of people.  "My own thing" made me emotionally absent and pre-occupied. And ultimately I was damaging my own spirituality. I was empty.

Today-what selfish action --what "own thing"---is causing damage to those who love me?

Blessings-Penny

friends

While living in Vermont, I was a member of a woman's group that met monthly. It was a group organized by a close friend with the primary purpose of mutual support. We took turns talking without interrupting each other. Giving advice and offering solutions to each other's issues was frowned upon. We shared our similar experiences but none expected to give or receive answers to the issues we shared. We simply wanted to be heard--have a place to express our thoughts and feelings.

Often the conversations centered on relationships---relationships with adult children, daughters and sons-in-law, colleagues, husbands. After all we were women and relationships form our core. Of course, there was the understanding that what was shared there, remained there.

I have missed the group and was delighted when a new friend here in Las Vegas suggested we form a similar group. We met for the first time yesterday. It was lovely. We were a small group. We talked of asking others to join and talked of the need to be secure in other's respect for confidentiality. We need to ask women with whom we can be totally honest. We need to not have to edit what we share.

And the level of honesty simply flowed. Sometimes we asked the second question. Sometimes we clarified. We laughed. We talked of wanting to live our lives making a difference, having some fun, fulfilling our goals.

I truly believe all of us need this kind of friendship, this level of trust---a place where we can be authentic--risk sharing "secret" thoughts and dreams. I think women need this more than men, but I also believe men benefit from trusting friendships. We need to place those thoughts that keep rolling around in our heads in front of others. Having a small group means those thoughts are shared--we are heard by others.

I also believe we can have this "authentic" relationship with God. It's called prayer. We talk. We are heard. It is His promise.

Do you have a special group with whom to share HONESTLY? Do you see the group as a gift from God?---a place He wants you reduce stress, have friends. Do you also take those thoughts and concerns to God?

Blessings-Penny

a baby's delight

A baby's delight becomes my delight. I have just spent 4 days with a 5 month old baby. She is discovering herself and she is delighted. She kicks her legs in the air and reaches for her toes with the most satisfied smile. She holds onto her feet and looks at me as if to say."Aren't these the most beautiful feet you have ever seen?!"

Then she discovers her voice. She's been cooing for several weeks and now she finds she can laugh and scream in joy and repeat the same sounds over and over. She's found her voice! How I pray she continues to find her voice---that all of us who love her so dearly and delight in her new voice encourage her to use that voice for the rest of her life.

And then there is news that a young woman we have known since birth and is now in her 20's is using her voice and the power of that voice in unbelievable ways. This is a young woman who as a child and teenager struggled mightily with anxiety and bullying. Sometimes we wondered if she would ever leave home. Now she travels to the mideast (Egypt/Jordan) to help refugees, to become more fluent in the Arabic language. She has blossomed into a young woman with a powerful voice.

That has happened with the love and support of parents, teachers, and mentors--people who held her in her struggles, acknowledged her challenges, and encouraged her to use her gifts.

All of us want to be that kind of parent...delighting, loving, patient, and encouraging--- but all too often in our frustration with children being children and us being us, we are less than we want to be. We yell, we tell them to be quiet, we grab them a little too hard.

Today, let us pray to be gentle with the children we are with. Even if we only meet them in the grocery store or on the bus or at our dinner table, let us give a smile, speak softly, delight in their discoveries, show love.

Isn't that what we want from God, our Father?---a smile, a softly spoken word, His delight in our discoveries, love.

Blessings-Penny

whoops--again!

In my last post I identified the soccer player as U.S. She was English! And then I said she headed it when in fact it was a kick. Wow! How wrong can I be with the facts?? At least I'm not a news reporter. Sorry about all that.

I still hope and pray she can "let it be!!"
Penny

"Let it be"-Part 2

I don't follow women's soccer very closely (at all?), but one couldn't miss the chatter about the misplaced goal in last week's tournament game. It was on every sports talk show, every newspaper sports section, twitter etc. etc. A young woman U.S. player headed the ball into the opposing team's net (by accident!) and the U. S. lost the game by that point. Most of the sports casters I heard were very sympathetic and wondered how a coach could console a player following such a freak accident.

I would guess the usual supportive conversation would go something like this. "You have to let it go. It was an accident. It could happen to anybody...We would have won this game if any number of other things had happened. You have to forget it and move on." But, of course, it was this woman's worst nightmare. Right there on world television. Right there in the most important game of her life. The memory will never "go" away. Because that's what "let it go" means. "Let it go away."

Again there is a difference between "let it go" and "let it be." She will never forget it. She can try to "let it go." She can try to minimize it...explain it...understand it...include others in the blame...push it away. Try to do something in her head to make it go away. But the reality is that it happened.  It happened in her life. It is. "Let it be."

We all have real nightmares in our lives. We have directly caused some of those nightmare and some are simply part of life---of being human. We want to "let it go" away. We deny, minimize, blame others for their part. Friends say things like, "I don't know if you've ever let that go...you still hold on to it." When we acknowledge those living nightmares, when we acknowledge our responsibility for them, when we understand they are not going to go away, we learn to "let them be." When we move into "letting it be," the nightmares begin to lose their power. They don't consume our thinking. They don't play over and over in our head.

Can we  think of God as our "coach?"...not His most important role but one that might be helpful as we consider these nightmares. He says, "I remember your sins no more." His most important role was to die for our sins...He forgives. He says, "Come to Me and I will give you rest...Let it be."

Today---let it be.

Blessings-Penny

"let it go" or "let it be?"

Recently I was talking with a woman, let's call her Carol,  about the abuse she had experienced both as a child and later as an adult. The perpetrators were men and Carol is having difficulty in trusting men in relationships and in her professional life as well. She is angry and afraid.

Carol said she has been in therapy several times particularly when a crisis had arisen related to trust. During our conversation she said that therapists and friends have told her she needs to "let go" of her anger and fear. She needs to "let go" of the memories of the abuse. And she said she doesn't know how to do that. She says if she "let's go" she will be letting the perpetrators off the hook.

I was reminded of Desmond Tutu's framework of forgiveness in which he says when we forgive we continue to hold perpetrators responsible for their actions:in forgiveness we move forward and we get to write the end of the story. How do we do that? How can Carol begin to write the end of the story?

I encouraged Carol to consider moving forward from "letting it go" to "letting it be." Letting it go implies I have to DO something. I have to give up something. "Letting it be" implies I accept this abuse happened to me in the past. That was my reality then. AND now I have a new reality. I have a new normal. I accept that was terrible and traumatic but that was then. My new normal is I have choices about how I react, how I interact. I can "let it be" in the past.

This change of thinking works for many of those things we wish to leave in the past---the mistakes we have made, the poor choices, the losses. We apologize; we take responsibility and then we work towards "letting it be" in the past. A certain amount of guilt is healthy-it keeps us on the straight and narrow --but overwhelming shame leads to further poor choices. The Beatles had it right--"Let it be...let it be."

Dear God--help me today to shift my thinking about all those old sins, offenses, losses, sadnesses. Help me to "let them be" in the past. Help me to move forward and love this gift of a new part of the story...my new normal.

Blessings-Penny