"let it go" or "let it be?"

Recently I was talking with a woman, let's call her Carol,  about the abuse she had experienced both as a child and later as an adult. The perpetrators were men and Carol is having difficulty in trusting men in relationships and in her professional life as well. She is angry and afraid.

Carol said she has been in therapy several times particularly when a crisis had arisen related to trust. During our conversation she said that therapists and friends have told her she needs to "let go" of her anger and fear. She needs to "let go" of the memories of the abuse. And she said she doesn't know how to do that. She says if she "let's go" she will be letting the perpetrators off the hook.

I was reminded of Desmond Tutu's framework of forgiveness in which he says when we forgive we continue to hold perpetrators responsible for their actions:in forgiveness we move forward and we get to write the end of the story. How do we do that? How can Carol begin to write the end of the story?

I encouraged Carol to consider moving forward from "letting it go" to "letting it be." Letting it go implies I have to DO something. I have to give up something. "Letting it be" implies I accept this abuse happened to me in the past. That was my reality then. AND now I have a new reality. I have a new normal. I accept that was terrible and traumatic but that was then. My new normal is I have choices about how I react, how I interact. I can "let it be" in the past.

This change of thinking works for many of those things we wish to leave in the past---the mistakes we have made, the poor choices, the losses. We apologize; we take responsibility and then we work towards "letting it be" in the past. A certain amount of guilt is healthy-it keeps us on the straight and narrow --but overwhelming shame leads to further poor choices. The Beatles had it right--"Let it be...let it be."

Dear God--help me today to shift my thinking about all those old sins, offenses, losses, sadnesses. Help me to "let them be" in the past. Help me to move forward and love this gift of a new part of the story...my new normal.

Blessings-Penny