Many people who are challenged by addictions struggle and wrestle with the demon for years. Rarely do people move into a quiet recovery on their first try. By the time recovery really takes hold there have been so many times of saying, "Never again, never again, never again." There have been so many times of prayers of desperation, really wondering if God was listening.
But in the long term, when recovery begins to take hold, when you begin to gain that sense of peace, if you are truly honest, you can begin to see the demon as a blessing. After all without the fight with the demon would you really have the relationship with God that comes in long term recovery? Would you really be in prayer and conversation with Him, asking for His continued grace to guide you in the rough patches?
Today stop and remember to thank God for your awareness of His presence by your side. He is the samaritan who will pull you out of the ditch, take you to an inn and pay for your wounds to be healed.
Blessings-Penny
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
In a split second
The telephone ring awakened me from a sound sleep. The shaking voice of a young friend told me of a serious traffic accident involving her parents in a city near where I now live. She lives about 2000 miles away. She would be flying in to our city tomorrow. Could I be available? Of course I could.
This morning her father is in critical condition and her mother serious but stable. My friend will be meeting her brother from New York City at the airport here and driving to the city where her parents are hospitalized. I am available for backup and hopefully a visit when the crisis is passed.
It is all reminiscent of the death of my daughter in a traffic accident. How life changes in a split second. One minute we are consumed by the little stories and storms of our lives and the next second we are overwhelmed by disaster and tragedy. We proceed with the decision making and the moment to moment sadness not really understanding how profoundly our life has changed. What just happened will change the day to day and the long term trajectory of our lives.
How do we get through all this?-because it will happen in many of our lives. It really is impossible to prepare for the unexpected but there are a couple of things that help. Know who your support system is. Have phone numbers available. Have an emergency fund available.
Have a relationship with God. He hears us even if we haven't connected for a long time but it is so much more reassuring if we are know He is with us-if we are used to being in conversation with Him. And He does promise He is always with us.
Blessings-Penny
This morning her father is in critical condition and her mother serious but stable. My friend will be meeting her brother from New York City at the airport here and driving to the city where her parents are hospitalized. I am available for backup and hopefully a visit when the crisis is passed.
It is all reminiscent of the death of my daughter in a traffic accident. How life changes in a split second. One minute we are consumed by the little stories and storms of our lives and the next second we are overwhelmed by disaster and tragedy. We proceed with the decision making and the moment to moment sadness not really understanding how profoundly our life has changed. What just happened will change the day to day and the long term trajectory of our lives.
How do we get through all this?-because it will happen in many of our lives. It really is impossible to prepare for the unexpected but there are a couple of things that help. Know who your support system is. Have phone numbers available. Have an emergency fund available.
Have a relationship with God. He hears us even if we haven't connected for a long time but it is so much more reassuring if we are know He is with us-if we are used to being in conversation with Him. And He does promise He is always with us.
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
tone of voice
At a picnic the other night, a young father of one of the 4 year old boys present, said, "He asks his mommy, 'Why is daddy always mad at me?" I thought that was a very sad comment on the relationship between the child and his father. The father continued, "Well if he would just listen to me...". How sad that this little boy sees his father as always critical.
I was reminded of the discussion in "Filling the God-shaped Void" that focuses on the tone of voice we use. In that discussion we comment that often the tone of voice we use is as important as the words. Words can and do hurt. Tone of voice is a strong indicator of our pleasure or displeasure, no matter what the words say.
From a positive perspective my husband and I were discussing this and he spoke of some powerful words and tones he can remember from way in his past. These were words and tone that shaped how he felt about himself in a positive way...words and tone that were rare in his childhood and adolesence. He had a high school basketball coach who he heard say from the sideline, "Make it , Son." "Son" rang deeply in his heart. Years later the same coach was coaching an alumni game and at the closing time out, when their team was behind by a basket, the coach said, "Give Joe the ball." Joe got the ball and made the shot...but what was important was the confidence the coach had in him. Coach probably would never have remembered saying those words, but the words and tone, told Joe someone he loved and respected believed in him. Joe also reflected his father writing a note,""Show 'em how to play the game. You are tops." The note still hangs by his desk in a frame. Another note from his son, "I love you no matter what" hangs there too. Powerful, powerful stuff.
These words, these notes are so easy and so powerful. They are also reminders of words and notes from God that tell us of His love and encouragement.
Today write down the positive words and tone and notes you have received, maybe from long ago, that encouraged you and are reminders of God's unconditional love. And remember to use those encouraging, loving words with those around you.
Blessings-Penny
I was reminded of the discussion in "Filling the God-shaped Void" that focuses on the tone of voice we use. In that discussion we comment that often the tone of voice we use is as important as the words. Words can and do hurt. Tone of voice is a strong indicator of our pleasure or displeasure, no matter what the words say.
From a positive perspective my husband and I were discussing this and he spoke of some powerful words and tones he can remember from way in his past. These were words and tone that shaped how he felt about himself in a positive way...words and tone that were rare in his childhood and adolesence. He had a high school basketball coach who he heard say from the sideline, "Make it , Son." "Son" rang deeply in his heart. Years later the same coach was coaching an alumni game and at the closing time out, when their team was behind by a basket, the coach said, "Give Joe the ball." Joe got the ball and made the shot...but what was important was the confidence the coach had in him. Coach probably would never have remembered saying those words, but the words and tone, told Joe someone he loved and respected believed in him. Joe also reflected his father writing a note,""Show 'em how to play the game. You are tops." The note still hangs by his desk in a frame. Another note from his son, "I love you no matter what" hangs there too. Powerful, powerful stuff.
These words, these notes are so easy and so powerful. They are also reminders of words and notes from God that tell us of His love and encouragement.
Today write down the positive words and tone and notes you have received, maybe from long ago, that encouraged you and are reminders of God's unconditional love. And remember to use those encouraging, loving words with those around you.
Blessings-Penny
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
"when it is right"
One of our relatives who has the disease of addictions called last night. (There are several but he is the one who phones.) He relapsed-again- and this time his wife left him. They have grown children and even a new grand baby, so this relative is not a kid. He has been challenged with this disease for a long time. We do not know the wife's side of the story but my sense is she probably has a lot of emotions-anger, sadness, frustration. He has the same emotions and their communication is not healthy. She says she will move back "when it is right."
In our conversation we encouraged him to ask her the question, "What will that look like-when things are right?" For both of them they need to begin a discussion of what "right" is. We encouraged them to get into marriage counseling where discussions like this can happen in a safe environment. Sadly so often, when we try to have these conversations in early recovery, the mutual anger, sadness and frustration do not let us have productive conversations.
And as I thought of this "what will right look like" I thought of all of us who want a change in our lives. For those of us who want to have a more active spiritual lives-a deeper relationship with God-"what will that look like?--when will we know when it is right?"
Blessings-Penny
In our conversation we encouraged him to ask her the question, "What will that look like-when things are right?" For both of them they need to begin a discussion of what "right" is. We encouraged them to get into marriage counseling where discussions like this can happen in a safe environment. Sadly so often, when we try to have these conversations in early recovery, the mutual anger, sadness and frustration do not let us have productive conversations.
And as I thought of this "what will right look like" I thought of all of us who want a change in our lives. For those of us who want to have a more active spiritual lives-a deeper relationship with God-"what will that look like?--when will we know when it is right?"
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
hope
This morning I did an interview again on Relevant Radio-a midwest Catholic radio station. The interviewer asked the question about what family members can do when the addict and the rest of the family are in denial. I encouraged them to attend AlANON, to keep up pointing out the reality to the addict of what the addict is doing. Be explicit about the behaviors, the impact on themselves, their lives, their families. This is informal intervention. This needs to be done in a non-blaming, non-accusatory manner-with "I" statements--"I'm frightened when this happens." "I love you and I am terrified of what may happen."
What I wish I had emphasized more is that there is hope. The family member needs to know that breaking through the denial of the disease often takes a very long time. Addiction is a progressive disease and without intervention, it will get worse. It is the family member's ability to respond (responsibility) to continue the confrontation. One never knows when the addict will finally hear the loving message. Even if there is relapse, the message needs to be the same. "I know it is discouraging but think of the days/weeks/months you were clean-how free that felt."
For their own sanity, the family member must remember they are not alone. Call a treatment center and learn about interventions. Formal interventions include consequences to the addict for continuing to use.Go to ALANON (find local meetings on the internet). Go to a priest or counselor and learn ways to take care of yourself. Read my books-"Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God" and "Filling the God-Shaped Void." Until you acknowledge you, the loving family member or friend, have choices and power to make healthy decisions, you are caught in this disease too.
And prayer-prayer-prayer. Kathleen Norris says "Prayer is asking to be changed in ways you can't even imagine." What might that mean for you---for your life??? You cannot change the addict but you can change circumstances in your life-the way you handle your feelings and responses. Remember God promises He is with you.
What will you change today? Will you stop and ask God to be with you in this? ---to help you feel His Presence?
Blessings-Penny
What I wish I had emphasized more is that there is hope. The family member needs to know that breaking through the denial of the disease often takes a very long time. Addiction is a progressive disease and without intervention, it will get worse. It is the family member's ability to respond (responsibility) to continue the confrontation. One never knows when the addict will finally hear the loving message. Even if there is relapse, the message needs to be the same. "I know it is discouraging but think of the days/weeks/months you were clean-how free that felt."
For their own sanity, the family member must remember they are not alone. Call a treatment center and learn about interventions. Formal interventions include consequences to the addict for continuing to use.Go to ALANON (find local meetings on the internet). Go to a priest or counselor and learn ways to take care of yourself. Read my books-"Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God" and "Filling the God-Shaped Void." Until you acknowledge you, the loving family member or friend, have choices and power to make healthy decisions, you are caught in this disease too.
And prayer-prayer-prayer. Kathleen Norris says "Prayer is asking to be changed in ways you can't even imagine." What might that mean for you---for your life??? You cannot change the addict but you can change circumstances in your life-the way you handle your feelings and responses. Remember God promises He is with you.
What will you change today? Will you stop and ask God to be with you in this? ---to help you feel His Presence?
Blessings-Penny
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