tatoo

An article regarding the winner of the Australian open, Stan Wawrinka, spoke about his new tatoo. The tatoo is a quote of Samuel Beckett. It says, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail better." The article indicates Wawrinka had the mantra tatooed on his arm after one to many defeats.

I like "Fail better." Doesn't that apply to recovery and to the many attempts to correct or modify our many faults...what ever those faults might be? We "ever try...ever fail." We need to say "never matter. Try again."" This time "fail better." Get more time between the drinking episodes. Drink less. Eat less..Get more time between the binges...get more time between the gambling ...between the times I yell at the kids. "never matter...Try again...Fail better."

It is a journey. It is a process. God reaches His hand and picks us up to Try again....

Fail better this time.
Blessings-Penny

Evolving or reinventing yourself?

Several articles I have read recently talked about the changes that happen in a person's life. One called the changes "reinventing yourself." Another called it the "evolution" in one's life. Another article repeated the adage that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. But the author of the last article said that is true only in  math...that in real life one rarely takes a straight line to get to the next point and that is the joy of living...the times we take the round about way.

It seems to me that rarely does one even know exactly what the next point or the distant point is. "Reinventing myself" doesn't ring true for me. "Evolving" is much closer. And my life has been far from a straight line between two known points. How else did I wind up in Las Vegas, Nevada??

But somewhere in all of that roaming, I knew I was searching for a closer relationship with God. Somehow I knew there was a void...a God-shaped void. And that is the joy of the round about way. In all that "evolving" I began to identify the void. I began to name the "void." I began to feel it fill as I spent more time in thinking about my relationship with God, in talking about it with people who understood, in reading, in prayer. And though I hope my "roaming" is slowing down, I pray the filling of my void is a continuation of my evolving relationship with God.

Are you "reinventing yourself?"of are you "evolving?" Is there a void you are trying to fill? Can you take a few minutes of quiet time today to consider that?

Blessings-Penny

law versus grace

Last night we attended a bible study that is focusing on the Book of Job from the Old Testament. We are at the point where Job is grieving about the deaths of his children, the total loss of his wealth and health. Our group discussion centered around the experiences of loss and grief among our group members. When it was my turn to share I talked about my early grief from the death of my daughter, the discussions of the stages of grief and my counselor's ability to listen let me cry.

 I also shared that the real shift in the resolution of my grief came many years later. Early in my friendship with Joe, the man who later became my husband, I was asking the question Job asks, "Why, why does God let these terrible things happen?" My husband had spent many years as a theologian and pastoral counselor. His response was, "Penny, I don't know why these things happen but of all the hearts that broke the day your daughter died, God's was the first heart to break."

I shared with the group that as I meditated about this over weeks and months, there was a significant shift in my relationship with God. I no longer just accept this as a tragedy and mystery which maybe I'll get an answer to in the hereafter, but as a situation in which I am in relationship with God. He is my Father and grieves for me as His beloved child.

Last night Joe added this---"When Penny began to see this tragedy within her relationship with God, she moved from law (why?) to grace (love)."

Do you have a tragedy, a challenge that moves you to ask, "Why?" Can you begin to consider that God is in this with you, grieving with you? You are His beloved child.

Blessings-Penny

Things I wish I had said

During the interview on Relevant Radio this week, I spoke about letting go of fear and anxiety. I talked about the idea of breathing in Christ and breathing out the anxiety. I had mentioned several people in my life experiencing very serious fear and anxiety and Sean, the show's host, acknowledged their very real fears. He asked what they could do. I continued with my discussion of prayer. What I wish I had also said was the need for very real support and counseling as they struggle with these situations. Prayer is the ultimate solution as we struggle through the the minutes, hours, and days of these crisis times. But the other supports available are there to also provide direction and comfort. Prayer is the foundational gift we have.

One of the supports I saw this week I believe is worth some consideration. It was an article about grief when someone close to you dies and the article contained some realistic suggestions:
1: Stay emotionally connected to the deceased: Prayer, contemplation and dreams help us still feel connected to the person's presence. Love doesn't die so the relationship doesn't die.
2. Let go of the pain when possible. It's ok when the grief begins to ebb. Remember that the loved one lived, not only that they died.
3. Expect a bumpy ride. Grief is unpredictable. It ebbs and flows. This is normal.
4. Take a breather. Rest.

There is a chapter on grief and loss /guilt and shame related to recovery in my book "Broken by Addiction/Blessed by God." I believe it is a discussion that relates to many circumstances involving grief-not just recovery from addiction. It is meant to be reassuring and moves the grief into a relationship with God---the ultimate letting go of fear and anxiety.

Are you experiencing grief related to the death of a loved one? Are you experiencing grief that interferes with your recovery? Are you getting the support you need? Are you moving toward a stronger relationship with God as the foundation of that recovery? How can you move toward that today? Breathe in Christ-breathe out the fear.

Blessings-Penny

safety

I didn't do well on my tenseness/anxiety reduction yesterday. I had to drive into downtown Las Vegas--- new freeways (to me), lots of traffic and didn't know where I was going. My tone of voice is not good during times like these and these situations can turn into  real "dust-ups" between my husband and me. I thought I had planned well but the map I took off the computer had an incorrect direction and we wound up in a huge, closed parking lot. Of course ultimately we got to where we were going but I was well aware my New Year's resolution was not proceeding well.

As I think about the situation today, I think I need to prepare for times like this more "spiritually." That may seem a bit silly but it's sort of like recovery. If I make my recovery strictly about planning my actions on a practical level, I miss placing it all in my relationship with God. And therefore I miss the "safety" of God's holding me. If I take a few minutes to ask for God's presence as I navigate a new driving situation, I would hope that my anxiety does not translate into a tone of voice that causes "communication problems" with my husband. (Those kind of "dust-ups" can be a real trigger for relapse.) I need to do the practical preparation and I also need to ask for the knowledge of God's promise to always be there.

Do you have triggers and dust-ups? Can you ask for God's presence as you work through those? Do you feel safety in His presence?
Blessings-Penny

anxiety

As I wrote in my last blog, one of my New Year's resolutions is to work on letting go of my anxiety. When I become aware of the anxiety I hold in my body, I am surprised. My life is pretty calm-so where does this anxiety come from? Without getting too analytical I think it is a lifetime of absorbing stress from around me; it is also the messages I heard from others that then became the messages I still give myself. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father and the message was:
"Don't upset him...don't make too much noise." We walked on egg shells. My body was tense.

There was also the subtle message that one must be perfect, do things perfectly. As a child it was a message meant to keep me on the straight and narrow but it got translated in my head to "if you make a mistake, if you are wrong, you are bad." My body was tense and if I made a mistake I was "bad."

Though I became aware of all this many years ago, I still find my body tense and my need to be "perfect" causing anxiety in my daily life. How do I let go of all this? After all, this anxiety is a part of my challenge with alcoholism. I found early on that a good shot of bourbon (or 2 or 3 or 4) relieved the anxiety. I let go of the bourbon but I still have a surprising amount of tenseness in my body.

In this New Year I will work on placing this anxiety in my relationship with God. When I become aware of the tenseness, I will take a deep breath and remind myself, I am no longer that child in a chaotic home. I no longer need to be "perfect." I am a child of God. I live in God's creation where I am safe.

That is the message of Christmas and of the Epiphany. Christ came to be "manifest"-to be "present"-in my life. Let go of the tenseness. Breathe Christ into that space.

Is this an area that might move you into a safer place?

Blessings-Penny

So What Now?

I started to put away the calendar from 2013. I decided to take a quick review of what each month had noted and many pleasant memories made me smile. Also some of the hard work, the difficult decisions made me pleased...others made me cringe. The big thing---the move to Las Vegas---was barely a thought when we started last year. Isn't that the way it goes? Life is so changeable that what we are setting as goals this New Years are important; but we don't even imagine the big things that will come in 2014. We just don't control so much in our lives. I guess that's the good news and the bad news. I like to think I have some control of my life but as the saying goes, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans."

But plan I will-- and this year I will make them measureable---Goals:  1) spiritual growth---daily meditation both morning and afternoon---focus on decreasing anxiety 2) the always present weight loss-back to "normal" 3) continue recovery-daily focus---2 blogs per week/monthly radio talk 4) volunteer--contact at least 3 organizations about volunteer possibilities---choose 1---get involved 5)  2 "vacations"---one in the spring with friends---one to the beach with family 5) 2 minivacations--one to Zion National Park---one to the desert in bloom (both nearby)

These seem do-able...seem to lay out a path. I think I would be pleased if I manage these when I look at January 3, 2015.

How about you? How does last year look? What is measureable for the upcoming year? What is do-able? What would please you on January 3, 2015?
Will it be a Happy New Year? How does all this fit in your relationship with God?

Blessings-Penny