The emotion of anger keeps appearing at so many places in my day. Last night Joe gave a workshop entitled "Spirituality,Addiction and the Lost Son." Addiction was defined as anything that interferes with you being the person God wants you to be. Recovery was defined as "homecoming." Included in the "addictions" were not only drugs and alcohol but behaviors that are destructive to self and others.
At the close of the workshop one participant talked about her ongoing interactions with her teenage son. She said she enters each conversation from a perspective of her anger. She even talked about pulling into her driveway after work and feeling the anger build as she anticipates their evening together. She talked about this anger as an "addiction" or an "attachment" to a destructive behavior---a behavior that makes her turn her back on God. What an insight!
Then today while out on errands we were passed by cars on either side of us racing and yelling at each other. At the stop sign they almost sideswiped us. They stopped and one driver got out of his car screaming and raising his fist, The other pulled away across the street and was chased in hot pursuit. Road rage.
And then there are the pictures of Baltimore. People angry at injustice. Anger spilling into the streets destroying businesses and other people's lives. Sad, sad, sad.
Today, dear God. help me feel your peace, your Presence. Let me notice when I am irritated-let your grace lead me to peace-not escalated anger.
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Stumblers
Another recent David Brooks editorial really touched me. He entitled it, "a moral bucket list for a rich inner life." It was in our paper on Sunday April 19. If you can find the entire piece I really encourage you to read it. If not here are a few quotes I loved.
"About once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner life...They seem deeply good. They listen well...their laugh is musical...their manner is infused with gratitude...they are not thinking about the wonderful work they are doing.They are not thinking about themselves at all."
"It occurred to me there are 2 kinds of virtues...the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues...the resume virtues are the ones you bring to the marketplace...the eulogy virtues are the ones talked about at your funeral...whether you were kind, brave, honest, or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?"
Brooks talks about the time we strip away all the status symbols and "crash through the barriers of our fears."
And then he calls some of us "stumblers." "The stumbler scuffs through life, a little off balance. But the stumbler faces her imperfect nature with unvarnished honesty, with the opposite of squeamishness. ...the stumbler has an outstretched arm, ready to receive and offer assistance. ...Stumblers occasionally experience moments of joy. Her friends are there for deep conversation, comfort and advice."
"The stumbler doesn't build her life by being better than others, but by being better than she used to be."
Amen! Dear God, please be with me as I work to be better than I used to be.
Blessings---Penny
"About once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner life...They seem deeply good. They listen well...their laugh is musical...their manner is infused with gratitude...they are not thinking about the wonderful work they are doing.They are not thinking about themselves at all."
"It occurred to me there are 2 kinds of virtues...the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues...the resume virtues are the ones you bring to the marketplace...the eulogy virtues are the ones talked about at your funeral...whether you were kind, brave, honest, or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?"
Brooks talks about the time we strip away all the status symbols and "crash through the barriers of our fears."
And then he calls some of us "stumblers." "The stumbler scuffs through life, a little off balance. But the stumbler faces her imperfect nature with unvarnished honesty, with the opposite of squeamishness. ...the stumbler has an outstretched arm, ready to receive and offer assistance. ...Stumblers occasionally experience moments of joy. Her friends are there for deep conversation, comfort and advice."
"The stumbler doesn't build her life by being better than others, but by being better than she used to be."
Amen! Dear God, please be with me as I work to be better than I used to be.
Blessings---Penny
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Voices in my head
In both of my books, Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God and Filling the God-shaped Void,I talk about the fact that all of us have voices in our heads. The voices often are messages we received from important people in our past--people who meant some thing to us. Those voices can give messages that affirm us but often they can be voices and messages that are destructive...messages that destroy our self confidence, even destroy our beliefs. Often the voices are from ourself...voices and memories and things we wish we had said...things we wish we hadn't said. Moving into recovery it is helpful to identify those voices and those messages. Which ones trigger guilt or shame? Which ones move me to try new spiritual ways of being? Which ones should I allow to stay? Which ones should I minimize and disregard?
Recently I read a paragraph quote from an author named Saul Bellow. In honesty though I know his name, I have not read his books. But this paragraph so beautifully describes those voices, I want to share it with you.
"All the while you thought you were going around idle, terribly hard work was taking place. Hard, hard work, excavation and digging, pushing, moving rock, working, working, working, working, working, panting, hauling, hoisting.And none of this work is seen from outside. It's internally done. It happens because you are powerless and unable to get anywhere, to gain justice or have requital, and therefore in yourself you labor, you wage combat, settle scores, remember insults, fight, reply, deny, blab, denounce, triumph, outwit, overcome, vindicate, cry, persist, absolve, die and rise again. All by yourself! Where is everybody? Inside your breast and skin, the entire cast."
How do we sort through this? We are not powerless. We go to a quiet place. We listen for peace. We pray for God to be with us as we quiet our souls. We listen for His Presence.
Peace.
Penny
Recently I read a paragraph quote from an author named Saul Bellow. In honesty though I know his name, I have not read his books. But this paragraph so beautifully describes those voices, I want to share it with you.
"All the while you thought you were going around idle, terribly hard work was taking place. Hard, hard work, excavation and digging, pushing, moving rock, working, working, working, working, working, panting, hauling, hoisting.And none of this work is seen from outside. It's internally done. It happens because you are powerless and unable to get anywhere, to gain justice or have requital, and therefore in yourself you labor, you wage combat, settle scores, remember insults, fight, reply, deny, blab, denounce, triumph, outwit, overcome, vindicate, cry, persist, absolve, die and rise again. All by yourself! Where is everybody? Inside your breast and skin, the entire cast."
How do we sort through this? We are not powerless. We go to a quiet place. We listen for peace. We pray for God to be with us as we quiet our souls. We listen for His Presence.
Peace.
Penny
Friday, April 17, 2015
The winner
The winner of the Masters' Golf Tournament last Sunday was a young 21 year old man named Jordan. He looks like a nice young man, serious and focused. His parents were shown on tv as he came into the 18th hole and they looked serious and focused also and with some big smiles. When Jordan completed the 18th there were more big smiles, hugs for everyone. Friends, grandparents, and girlfriend had a mixture of laughter and tears of joy. One would have thought (I thought) "What a lovely, perfect, happy family with not a care in the world...lots of money...lots of success."
Of course I should have known. No one, not one of us has a "perfect" family or a perfect life. Jordan has a 14 year old sister who is neurologically challenged. This family has sadness and loss and pain like all the rest of us.
Some of us have choices about our challenges. We can make changes, make different decisions, ask for help, and our lives will be better. We are the fortunate ones.
We can pray. We can know Christ is in the room with us as we pray. The answers to our prayers might not be easy but we must quiet our selves and listen.
What are your challenges today? Do you have choices? Quiet yourself, talk with God, feel His presence. Listen.
Blessings-Penny
Of course I should have known. No one, not one of us has a "perfect" family or a perfect life. Jordan has a 14 year old sister who is neurologically challenged. This family has sadness and loss and pain like all the rest of us.
Some of us have choices about our challenges. We can make changes, make different decisions, ask for help, and our lives will be better. We are the fortunate ones.
We can pray. We can know Christ is in the room with us as we pray. The answers to our prayers might not be easy but we must quiet our selves and listen.
What are your challenges today? Do you have choices? Quiet yourself, talk with God, feel His presence. Listen.
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
"I don't want this in my life"
A young friend I have mentioned before continues to struggle with her eating disorder. Some of her body systems are being affected and her family grows increasingly frightened for her. When she was confronted with these lab results recently her tearful response was, "I don't want this in my life. I didn't choose this!"
How many times didn't we think this or cry out to ourselves, "I don't want this in my life!" It is a stark reminder of the compulsive quality of all of our addictions. None of us at age 7 or 10 said, "When I grow up I want to be addicted."
Then Sunday in church came three new lost souls looking for help. (We are all lost souls looking for help!) One seemed to need money. One was intoxicated or high and when invited into the service was engaged and praised God. He only stayed for a while. And the third acknowledged she had been discharged from a mental hospital 3 days before.
I was reminded that none of these people "wanted this in their lives." The congregation welcomed these souls, asked what they needed and tried to meet those needs. Christ would have welcomed them.
I have continued to think about and pray for all these people...about the compulsive component of their illnesses, the emotional distress, the desperation, the spiritual void they each feel.
"There is a God-shaped void in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing--only by God the creator made known through Jesus Christ.
"The glory of God is man fully alive."
Dear God, give each of us moments of your grace to know You fill that void---nothing or no one else.
Help us feel fully alive.
Blessings-Penny
How many times didn't we think this or cry out to ourselves, "I don't want this in my life!" It is a stark reminder of the compulsive quality of all of our addictions. None of us at age 7 or 10 said, "When I grow up I want to be addicted."
Then Sunday in church came three new lost souls looking for help. (We are all lost souls looking for help!) One seemed to need money. One was intoxicated or high and when invited into the service was engaged and praised God. He only stayed for a while. And the third acknowledged she had been discharged from a mental hospital 3 days before.
I was reminded that none of these people "wanted this in their lives." The congregation welcomed these souls, asked what they needed and tried to meet those needs. Christ would have welcomed them.
I have continued to think about and pray for all these people...about the compulsive component of their illnesses, the emotional distress, the desperation, the spiritual void they each feel.
"There is a God-shaped void in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing--only by God the creator made known through Jesus Christ.
"The glory of God is man fully alive."
Dear God, give each of us moments of your grace to know You fill that void---nothing or no one else.
Help us feel fully alive.
Blessings-Penny
Saturday, April 11, 2015
an important question
A number of years ago, when I was feeling guilty about a number of poor decisions in my life, a very spiritual person asked me, "Which side of Easter do you live on?... Good Friday or Easter Sunday?...the sadness and guilt and shame or the belief in the new life we are promised?"
That question has really helped me in the years since. It has helped me move from being overwhelmed with sadness and into "living into the promises of God." God promises to be with me. He doesn't promise to undo my bad decisions. He doesn't promise to remove my feelings of responsibility for those poor decisions. He promises to be with me in the sadness and guilt. He promises a new life and that new life is NOW.
It is the Easter season. Which side of Easter do you live on?
Dear God, Let each of us take responsibility for our guilt AND move into the new life of hope that you promise.
Blessings-Penny
That question has really helped me in the years since. It has helped me move from being overwhelmed with sadness and into "living into the promises of God." God promises to be with me. He doesn't promise to undo my bad decisions. He doesn't promise to remove my feelings of responsibility for those poor decisions. He promises to be with me in the sadness and guilt. He promises a new life and that new life is NOW.
It is the Easter season. Which side of Easter do you live on?
Dear God, Let each of us take responsibility for our guilt AND move into the new life of hope that you promise.
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
sustain
Did you read or see about the man who had been stranded in his boat off the coast of Carolina for about 67 days. He was finally rescued and is in pretty good health. His father said that he (the sailor) had a bible on the boat and he read it alot. The father said, "I think that is what sustained him." The father didn't say, "It was a miracle...or...God answered my prayers." He said, "That is what sustained him."
I have another friend who is the caretaker of her husband with Parkinson's disease. I wrote about their lovely Christmas in an earlier blog. Recently she wrote about feeling stuck in regard to having to make some difficult decisions about his care. She said in her prayers she feels a "great silence...am I not hearing something because I don't want to hear it?...Has God given up on me?"
And then last night Joe and I did a follow-up on"Grief and Hope," a workshop we had given last month. The stories and the sadness and the pain and the questioning of "where is God in all of this?' were all there.
And so often in our recovery and relapse and recovery and relapse we say, "Where is God in all of this?" I remember so vividly in the worst times of my drinking, walking around the house at night praying, "What am I going to do about this?" (Of course the answer was right there--I just didn't want to hear it!)
What I have come to believe is that the answer in so many of these tragedies and sadnesses of life is that God is there to sustain us. We often don't hear the answer He is giving ----we don't remember the covenant He has promised---that He is with us---He is in this room with me. He gave strength to the sailor or keep fishing and hoping. He gives strength to my friend to get up every morning and care for her husband. He gave me strength to reach out. That is the Easter answer.
Dear God, help me today to remember you are here with me. You promise to walk with me in all of this. Let me feel your Presence. Sustain me.
Blessings-Penny
I have another friend who is the caretaker of her husband with Parkinson's disease. I wrote about their lovely Christmas in an earlier blog. Recently she wrote about feeling stuck in regard to having to make some difficult decisions about his care. She said in her prayers she feels a "great silence...am I not hearing something because I don't want to hear it?...Has God given up on me?"
And then last night Joe and I did a follow-up on"Grief and Hope," a workshop we had given last month. The stories and the sadness and the pain and the questioning of "where is God in all of this?' were all there.
And so often in our recovery and relapse and recovery and relapse we say, "Where is God in all of this?" I remember so vividly in the worst times of my drinking, walking around the house at night praying, "What am I going to do about this?" (Of course the answer was right there--I just didn't want to hear it!)
What I have come to believe is that the answer in so many of these tragedies and sadnesses of life is that God is there to sustain us. We often don't hear the answer He is giving ----we don't remember the covenant He has promised---that He is with us---He is in this room with me. He gave strength to the sailor or keep fishing and hoping. He gives strength to my friend to get up every morning and care for her husband. He gave me strength to reach out. That is the Easter answer.
Dear God, help me today to remember you are here with me. You promise to walk with me in all of this. Let me feel your Presence. Sustain me.
Blessings-Penny
Friday, April 3, 2015
"grit"
These last several weeks have been big tournament basketball games on tv and with lots of newspaper coverage. The analytics cover everything from the coaches, to the players and the games themselves. We learn about the coaches history and experience, the players sizes and talents and even personal lives and ultimately the odds of who will win the games. (After all we live in Las Vegas and the gaming industry turns this into big business.)
One recent article caught my attention. It was analyzing why some teams without the biggest players seem to do surprisingly well....why some players of seemingly "normal" size (not the 6 feet 11 inches say) excel at particular shots. One coach explained this excellence as "grit." He said these not so talented, not so tall players have grit. They have a focused determination and practice routine that exceeds beyond exceptional He described one player as "having been born with a great right handed shot but he practiced a left handed shot until it equals his right handed." (I can't do much of anything with my left hand and can't even imagine trying to hit a basketball shot or bat in baseball or write or even cook with my left hand.)
But I wonder if that would work with prayer. Sometimes when we are beginning to learn to pray, or when we return to prayer maybe after years of not "practicing" a prayer life, it feels awkward. I wonder if what it takes is a focused determination that exceeds beyond exceptional..."grit." I wonder if it feels awkward at first that we (I) just need to keep practicing.
I wonder if that works with forgiveness...if truly praying that I can move into forgiveness with someone who has hurt me..even if it feels awkward at first...that with focused determination and an exceptional practice routine...I can find that "peace that passes all understanding."
Dear God, give me prayerful grit.
Blessings-Penny
One recent article caught my attention. It was analyzing why some teams without the biggest players seem to do surprisingly well....why some players of seemingly "normal" size (not the 6 feet 11 inches say) excel at particular shots. One coach explained this excellence as "grit." He said these not so talented, not so tall players have grit. They have a focused determination and practice routine that exceeds beyond exceptional He described one player as "having been born with a great right handed shot but he practiced a left handed shot until it equals his right handed." (I can't do much of anything with my left hand and can't even imagine trying to hit a basketball shot or bat in baseball or write or even cook with my left hand.)
But I wonder if that would work with prayer. Sometimes when we are beginning to learn to pray, or when we return to prayer maybe after years of not "practicing" a prayer life, it feels awkward. I wonder if what it takes is a focused determination that exceeds beyond exceptional..."grit." I wonder if it feels awkward at first that we (I) just need to keep practicing.
I wonder if that works with forgiveness...if truly praying that I can move into forgiveness with someone who has hurt me..even if it feels awkward at first...that with focused determination and an exceptional practice routine...I can find that "peace that passes all understanding."
Dear God, give me prayerful grit.
Blessings-Penny
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