Forgiveness

A syndicated editorial in yesterday's paper by David Brooks gave some useful thoughts on forgiveness. Brooks is talking about how we respond as a society when someone in public life is found to have "sinned" or made a gross error. Since I'm focusing on forgiveness this Lent, I'd like to share those thoughts. But the caveat is I will emphasize the points I find useful. I think we can use some of his points to look at our own patterns of forgiveness.

Brooks says as a society we respond with a"coliseum culture leaving no  place for mercy." To me that also resonates with how I respond when the person who has "sinned" or made an error (or hurt me) is someone I don't like  or someone I disagree with. I sometimes want them to be humiliated or at least embarrassed. Not very merciful!!

 Brooks says there are steps to forgiving.
First he says forgiveness is not an act: it's an attitude. The forgiving person is strong enough to give away that anger and resentment. The forgiving person makes the first move, resists the urge for retaliation and creates a welcoming place for for the offender.

Next the forgiving person asks the hard questions of the longer term character of the person in question. Is he or she a good person at their core? What will it take to rebuild the trust? We don't have to lower our standards but we do have to look at the broad and deep context of the person and situation.

Third Brooks indicates the offending person has to be self critical. That may work in a situation with a public figure, but in my personal life a person who has offended me may not think what they did was wrong. They may not feel the need to be self critical. I believe in that case, I need to become self critical. Do I feel like a victim? What makes it necessary for me to hold on to that role? What would it be like if I gave up the victim role? (I'll share a bit more on this in the next blog.)

Fourth is a time of reconciliation. Brooks says the parties "bend toward each other." Not an embrace initially but a bending. Trust is not immediate but there is a healing of relationship. He says, "Good people are stronger when given a second chance" and the offended person is "uplifted when they offer kindness."

When I think of offering kindness to someone who has hurt me, it is uplifting. It releases a tension and an anger.

Since I truly believe a major trigger for relapse is the anger we hold, I pray we each can ask God to help us focus on forgiveness in our day today. Pray for an "attitude" of forgiveness. Feel the release of the anger. Feel the peace.

Blessings-Penny

Whoops!!!

Just realized I attributed the quote on forgiveness in the previous blog to Nelson Mandela.
WRONG! It was Desmond Tutu. So sorry. Tutu's book on forgiveness, No Future Without Forgiveness, is a beautiful read.

Blessings---Penny

journaling

I don't journal. I tried it for awhile and when I reread my entries it felt very contrived. And here I am blogging! Really very much the same thing but it seems different. Anyway---the other day I was searching through some old papers and found a collection of phrases and sentences I had copied from books I was reading...sentences that had struck me as meaningful and some very powerful. Sort of a journal.

I'd like to share some for my next blogs:

"Forgiveness gives you freedom; freedom to write the end of the story."

This is so very important for all of us. Whether we are in recovery or just in life there are times we feel slighted or hurt or even much worse--abused. The feelings of anger which come from those situations can make it very difficult to even consider forgiving the person at fault. It seems impossible.

Nelson Mandela, a black man held in a South African prison and tortured for years, talks about the freedom that comes with forgiveness. When you forgive, you are no longer the victim. You take back the control of your life. You get to write the end of the story.

If you let go of the anger, if you forgive,  what will be the end of the story for you?

A beautiful consideration for Lenten meditation. What would Easter morning feel like if you can forgive?

Blessings-Penny

pansies, pink flowers and brain tumors

The tree outside my kitchen window has more pink blossoms each day. I planted pansies in the front courtyard yesterday. The birds sing as I take my morning walk. And it's February!

My son calls to say a young man in our extended family has a brain tumor-probably malignant.

As Annie Lamott says, "OK, God, what are you thinking??"

"Faith is the knowledge of things past and the hope of things promised."

"God, thank you for my belief. Help me with my unbelief."

I pray all of these things.

Blessings-Penny

memories and miracles

Yesterday I was continuing to read Annie LaMott's latest book in which she talked of an aunt who made her clothes when she was a gangly teenager. For whatever reason (memories can be such a surprise!) I was reminded of a neighbor/friend who sewed a very special gift for me many, many, many years ago.

I was taking a trip to Hawaii to meet my husband for R and R during the Vietnam war.  That gives you a clue of how many years! Dianne was a very talented artist and I had admired some beautiful clothes she had made for family the Christmas before. When she heard of my travel plans, she had casually asked what size dress I wore.  Several days later she came to my door with two brightly colored "shifts." I really couldn't have afforded 2 new Hawaiian type dresses at that time and these shifts made me feel fresh and comfortable and stylish. I wore them for years and even now can bring them into the picture of my mind---and smile.

And then later yesterday, on an entirely different subject,  I was reading a report of a cardiac test I had had two years ago. I had just picked up the report to take for a new cardiac consult next week. In this report the cardiologist characterized the artery blockage that I had prior to my first cardiac stent, now almost 13 years ago, as "total blockage of the LAD." The LAD is called the "widow maker."  I had realized the blockage was severe but I had not been told it was "total." In what I have learned since that initial stent, total blockage is what causes fatal heart attacks or attacks that cause such major damage that life is never the same. What a miracle that I am alive...that the cardiologist who did  the stent was visiting in the small rural clinic in which I had the appointment for my "arm" pain. And to think I sometimes question "miracles.!"

As a bit of an aside---this is "heart health month." Ladies, please please be aware that our symptoms of heart problems are often different from men's symptoms. My symptoms were a squeezing in my right  arm when I exercised. I ignored them for months until I also experienced some shortness of breath. Women's symptoms are often minimized by health care workers. 'We often "don't want to bother" anyone when we are feeling symptoms. My family had a history of strokes--not heart disease. I told myself this couldn't be cardiac. Denial is a powerful force.

I realize these two occurrences, the memory of the dresses and the miracle indicated by the cardiac report are really unrelated. However they occurred so closely together yesterday morning  they seemed connected...an awareness of how precious friends, family and life are. How in the midst of the daily we can miss the gifts and the miracles. And the memories of the gifts and the miracles can be gifts again.

I pray you have the gift of precious memories.today.

Blessings---Penny

a blessing

Hannah Elizabeth was born yesterday at 1 p.m. I have "a number" of grand children and step-grand children. But this is my first of "being there." Well, not quite there---but in the same city, following by text messages and holding her within 2 hours. She is beautiful---really!

One of the things that made the day so very special was watching my husband. When we entered the room and Hannah was cradled in her mother's arms, his first gesture was to take the mother's hand and pray. The room became quiet. He thanked God for their health, for this beautiful baby--- then cradled Hannah himself.  He quietly told her of  her Old Testament name--Hannah, a woman of prayer.

The visit became a blessing visit.

A gift to be there.

Do you have unexpected blessings? Be mindful.

Blessings-Penny

Listened to

"If someone listens,  deeply, you've been heard, which helps you absorb it, and you can lay it at the feet of the right god. You can forgo the math of adding up the damage again, lay your ledger in your lap, and look up. Looking up is the way out." Annie Lamott

"Looking up is the way out." I remember being in the clutches of my alcoholism, walking through the house at night wondering 'how am I going to get out of this??' Then one day I read a book that said, "If there is something you don't like about your life, you can change it." I was absolutely struck by that. I looked up, saw beautiful blue sky... and it was the way out.

My recovery began at that point. I found someone who deeply listened to me...who heard my anger, my sadness, my fear. I was able to lay it down. Now I admit I sometimes/often pick those things back up but I am more aware of it when I do. I feel the tenseness and fear and anger. but I don't have to "add up all the damage again." I'm able to acknowledge it and work towards laying it down again...I think we call it "letting go."

I lay it at the feet of the right God and I look up. When I place it all in my relationship with God, it loses its power over me. I am not alone.

I pray today to "lay it down at the feet of God", look up and thank God for this gift of peace. I pray this for you too.

Blessings --Penny