It seems that often when I feel criticized by my husband I get an edge to my voice. This edge in my voice really sets my husband off and we are on the road to World War III. Once we get through the "dust up" (maybe it isn't WWWIII), I am reminded of a psychiatrist's profound construct that "All behavior has meaning."
I also considered this quote when I heard that at a certain church members had not responded to a request to provide an hour of respite care on Sundays for a friend's husband. The caregiver would like to attend church and could church members rotate and provide this hour of care? Not one person responded. At first I was appalled but on further thought, I again considered, "All behavior has meaning." Is it possible the church members are afraid? The patient needs occasional suctioning and verbal communication is very limited.
"All behavior has meaning." Do I rush to judgment when I hear parts of a story? Do I take time to listen to what my husband is really saying--what does that criticism really say about me?--about him?---about us?
I don't want to over analyze every situation, but when I rush to judgment, or when I'm stunned by someone's behavior can I take the time to remember, "All behavior has meaning?" Where did that come from? What has happened to that person to evoke that behavior or response? What does that mean about that person's experience?
Today, dear God, help me to step back, watch my tone, and live more kindly.-with my family, my co-workers, people I disagree with.
"Do justice
Love kindness
Walk humbly with my God."
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
"I lived as if..."
"John mentioned his serious childhood illness and the deaths in his family that had contributed to a prolonged 'mix of depression, anger, fear and anxiety...I lived as if I were a clenched fist.' " This was a quote from a magazine article regarding a columnist who had recently died.
I had enjoyed the columnist and was struck that he characterized his life as a "clenched fist." His articles had always seemed so gentle and open. And I was even more surprised at how I identified with his characterization of life as a clenched fist. Sometimes when I'm just sitting watching tv, reading the paper or sitting at this computer, I find my body tense and tight. I have to consciously take myself through some progressive relaxation.
Where does this come from?! I guess some of it comes from my childhood and adulthood! ---dad an alcoholic, mom trying to control all the rest of us, my own alcoholism....Merry Pat's death...my own attempts to control. My own attempts to understand all this...
The only thing that really matters is to understand God's forgiveness...God's forgiveness of me...to let go of the tension and anxiety...the 'mix of depression, anger, fear and anxiety...' to open the clenched fist' of my life...to pray.
What a blessing that would be. What peace.
Would it be a blessing for you to open a clenched fist? Would it feel like forgiveness?
Blessings-Penny
I had enjoyed the columnist and was struck that he characterized his life as a "clenched fist." His articles had always seemed so gentle and open. And I was even more surprised at how I identified with his characterization of life as a clenched fist. Sometimes when I'm just sitting watching tv, reading the paper or sitting at this computer, I find my body tense and tight. I have to consciously take myself through some progressive relaxation.
Where does this come from?! I guess some of it comes from my childhood and adulthood! ---dad an alcoholic, mom trying to control all the rest of us, my own alcoholism....Merry Pat's death...my own attempts to control. My own attempts to understand all this...
The only thing that really matters is to understand God's forgiveness...God's forgiveness of me...to let go of the tension and anxiety...the 'mix of depression, anger, fear and anxiety...' to open the clenched fist' of my life...to pray.
What a blessing that would be. What peace.
Would it be a blessing for you to open a clenched fist? Would it feel like forgiveness?
Blessings-Penny
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
a new 10 second rule
We've been watching a rather silly new tv series entitled "Unbroken Kimmie." The plot of this show is that the young female star has been freed from a ten year imprisonment by a cult leader. So far that imprisonment has not been portrayed as terribly abusive but there are nuances of tough times. Kimmie's adjustment to life in New York City is the theme of the 2 episodes we have watched and most of the show is an attempt at comedy.
In talking about her imprisonment, Kimmie says she has learned the way to get through any difficult experience is to "know you can do it for 10 seconds at a time...Because once you get through that ten seconds, you can do another 10 seconds...until it's over."
This may be a bit of a stretch, but I wonder if that would work for forgiveness. Can I truly forgive someone for 10 seconds and then stretch it to 10 seconds more and so on? Maybe it won't work for complete forgiveness but maybe it's a way to start.
I certainly want God's forgiveness for more than 10 seconds at a time!
Dear God, today please help me to really forgive _____ for 10 seconds...and then help me to add 10 more............and 10 more....and 10 more......
Blessings---Penny
In talking about her imprisonment, Kimmie says she has learned the way to get through any difficult experience is to "know you can do it for 10 seconds at a time...Because once you get through that ten seconds, you can do another 10 seconds...until it's over."
This may be a bit of a stretch, but I wonder if that would work for forgiveness. Can I truly forgive someone for 10 seconds and then stretch it to 10 seconds more and so on? Maybe it won't work for complete forgiveness but maybe it's a way to start.
I certainly want God's forgiveness for more than 10 seconds at a time!
Dear God, today please help me to really forgive _____ for 10 seconds...and then help me to add 10 more............and 10 more....and 10 more......
Blessings---Penny
Friday, March 20, 2015
secrets versus privacy
In self help meetings sometimes we hear the admonition "We are as sick as our secrets." I have a word of caution about that.
There is a difference between our right to privacy and keeping a secret. My parents had a huge secret that they never shared with my brother and me. I mean huge! I believe it affected our family in significant ways. The secret came out after they both had died---everyone else in the family knew---aunts, uncles, cousins and once I knew they were more than happy to share details. A wise uncle said, "Penny, people just didn't talk about stuff like that in those days. Today everyone writes a book or goes on tv to tell their story.But they had a right to keep that to themselves."
I still wrestle with that. Yes, they had a right to their privacy but I believe if they had shared it with my brother and me, we might have healed as a family. Maybe my dad would not have struggled so badly with his alcoholism. Maybe my mom would not have had to control so much in her life. They didn't need to tell everyone, but might many things have been different.
As we talk about forgiveness, it seems to me sharing our stories in which we remain angry or humiliated or want revenge, is helpful. It helps to sort out our feelings, to know we are not alone and to look at our part of the situation. However this can be done in private with someone we trust. No need to share details with lots of people. We have a right to our privacy. As the kids say, sometimes it's "TMI."
And there is One who already knows the story, who already knows the secret, who longs to hear us share our feelings, our hopes, our sadness, our anger. Sharing our secret with Him is prayer.
Blessings-Penny
There is a difference between our right to privacy and keeping a secret. My parents had a huge secret that they never shared with my brother and me. I mean huge! I believe it affected our family in significant ways. The secret came out after they both had died---everyone else in the family knew---aunts, uncles, cousins and once I knew they were more than happy to share details. A wise uncle said, "Penny, people just didn't talk about stuff like that in those days. Today everyone writes a book or goes on tv to tell their story.But they had a right to keep that to themselves."
I still wrestle with that. Yes, they had a right to their privacy but I believe if they had shared it with my brother and me, we might have healed as a family. Maybe my dad would not have struggled so badly with his alcoholism. Maybe my mom would not have had to control so much in her life. They didn't need to tell everyone, but might many things have been different.
As we talk about forgiveness, it seems to me sharing our stories in which we remain angry or humiliated or want revenge, is helpful. It helps to sort out our feelings, to know we are not alone and to look at our part of the situation. However this can be done in private with someone we trust. No need to share details with lots of people. We have a right to our privacy. As the kids say, sometimes it's "TMI."
And there is One who already knows the story, who already knows the secret, who longs to hear us share our feelings, our hopes, our sadness, our anger. Sharing our secret with Him is prayer.
Blessings-Penny
Monday, March 16, 2015
shared stories
We attend a weekly bible study group. The goal of the group is to listen to the gospel reading for that week and to discuss how to make that message relevant in our lives. The group has been together for about 6 months and members tend to share some of their personal struggles but not particularly in depth.
There is a woman member of the group who has not shared much. She is always very nicely dressed, talks about the careers of those close to her, and I had formed an opinion of her as having had a pretty comfortable life. However yesterday she shared in depth the journey of her grandson and his struggles with alcohol, drugs, anger, homelessness etc. She has been intensely involved in attempting to support him. She calls herself an "enabler" and also knows that she does those things in love and what feels like the "right" thing to do.
Though we have all heard this story many times, I was again struck by how little we know of other people's real stories. It's not until there is a safe place for people to share that we really know what goes on in their lives. These moments of intimate sharing are a real gift. We know a person on a whole new level.
I believe we are all searching for relationships like this. So much of our lives are skimming the surface. We long for a safe place where people listen to our stories; where we know we will not be judged. We also long to hear other people's stories---to have a shared bond of trust. And to have that in a small group is a real blessing. This woman and I may never be one on one best friends, but her risking to tell her story changes my sense of her and strengthens the group.
The gospel reading was about Christ being the light. Sharing our stories in a safe place shines a light.
I pray you have a safe place to share your story and struggles.
You always have that safe place in your relationship with God. He always listens. He is eager to hear you.
Blessings-Penny
There is a woman member of the group who has not shared much. She is always very nicely dressed, talks about the careers of those close to her, and I had formed an opinion of her as having had a pretty comfortable life. However yesterday she shared in depth the journey of her grandson and his struggles with alcohol, drugs, anger, homelessness etc. She has been intensely involved in attempting to support him. She calls herself an "enabler" and also knows that she does those things in love and what feels like the "right" thing to do.
Though we have all heard this story many times, I was again struck by how little we know of other people's real stories. It's not until there is a safe place for people to share that we really know what goes on in their lives. These moments of intimate sharing are a real gift. We know a person on a whole new level.
I believe we are all searching for relationships like this. So much of our lives are skimming the surface. We long for a safe place where people listen to our stories; where we know we will not be judged. We also long to hear other people's stories---to have a shared bond of trust. And to have that in a small group is a real blessing. This woman and I may never be one on one best friends, but her risking to tell her story changes my sense of her and strengthens the group.
The gospel reading was about Christ being the light. Sharing our stories in a safe place shines a light.
I pray you have a safe place to share your story and struggles.
You always have that safe place in your relationship with God. He always listens. He is eager to hear you.
Blessings-Penny
Thursday, March 12, 2015
little stuff?
What about forgiving the little stuff? ...the stuff that pushes your buttons...the stuff that you know isn't life changing but irritates the dickens out of you? the stuff you have asked (in a polite way) your spouse or partner or child or roommate or fellow worker to please stop and they keep doing it? Do we have to forgive that stuff?
Yeah, I think we do. Otherwise it just keeps niggling and stressing us until we explode---and then we have to ask for their forgiveness and the circle goes on and on. I think forgiveness in those situations is about accepting the reality of who they are and who we are. It's helpful to examine why this or that behavior does irritate us and is there a way to ask them to modify it ---and what we are willing to do to accept that modification.
Yesterday we took a day trip to Death Valley National Park. Talk about things seeming insignificant! Looking at the millions of years of evolution, what that desert was and what it is now, mountains with black hillsides that are remains of volcanic ash, undulating hills of borax shaped by thousands of years of wind.
We really do need to look at the little irritations in our lives and move to forgiveness. We will be so much more at peace.
What irritation can I work on today that irritates someone else? What irritation can I work on forgiving?
The peace that God promises.
Blessings---Penny
Yeah, I think we do. Otherwise it just keeps niggling and stressing us until we explode---and then we have to ask for their forgiveness and the circle goes on and on. I think forgiveness in those situations is about accepting the reality of who they are and who we are. It's helpful to examine why this or that behavior does irritate us and is there a way to ask them to modify it ---and what we are willing to do to accept that modification.
Yesterday we took a day trip to Death Valley National Park. Talk about things seeming insignificant! Looking at the millions of years of evolution, what that desert was and what it is now, mountains with black hillsides that are remains of volcanic ash, undulating hills of borax shaped by thousands of years of wind.
We really do need to look at the little irritations in our lives and move to forgiveness. We will be so much more at peace.
What irritation can I work on today that irritates someone else? What irritation can I work on forgiving?
The peace that God promises.
Blessings---Penny
Friday, March 6, 2015
What makes it so difficult to forgive?
Some thoughts on the difficulty of forgiveness---
1. If I forgive will the perpetrator think he or she can harm me again?
2. If I forgive will I appear weak? Or might I feel strong?
3. If I forgive will I have to give up my anger? I recently had a friend who said, "If given a choice between forgiveness and holding on to my anger and and resentment, I'll hold onto my anger every time!" She was only half kidding! She likes her anger. She feels it gives her power, when in reality the anger takes away other choices. It keeps her stuck. What other choices might she have?
4. If I forgive I'll have to give up my victim role. What other role might I want to take on?
Forgiveness is part of recovery.
Often we hear, "You have to forgive yourself." But a writer I love, Frederick Buechner says, "Trying to forgive yourself is like trying to sit in your own lap." What moves us into accepting forgiveness of ourselves and others is being open to God's forgiveness. When we begin to be open to God's forgiveness of us, we move forgiveness into this new relationship with God. We begin to accept this new life that God has created for us.
What a miracle!
Blessings---Penny
1. If I forgive will the perpetrator think he or she can harm me again?
2. If I forgive will I appear weak? Or might I feel strong?
3. If I forgive will I have to give up my anger? I recently had a friend who said, "If given a choice between forgiveness and holding on to my anger and and resentment, I'll hold onto my anger every time!" She was only half kidding! She likes her anger. She feels it gives her power, when in reality the anger takes away other choices. It keeps her stuck. What other choices might she have?
4. If I forgive I'll have to give up my victim role. What other role might I want to take on?
Forgiveness is part of recovery.
Often we hear, "You have to forgive yourself." But a writer I love, Frederick Buechner says, "Trying to forgive yourself is like trying to sit in your own lap." What moves us into accepting forgiveness of ourselves and others is being open to God's forgiveness. When we begin to be open to God's forgiveness of us, we move forgiveness into this new relationship with God. We begin to accept this new life that God has created for us.
What a miracle!
Blessings---Penny
Sunday, March 1, 2015
a little more about forgiveness
In rereading Desmond Tutu on forgiveness I am struck by several things;
Without forgiveness there is no future. We remain locked in the past going over and over the insult or perceived slight or the abuse.
We are not expected to forget. Desmond Tutu says it is important to remember so we do not let the issue happen again.In forgiveness we try to stand in the shoes of the perpetrators and try to understand what pressures and influences might have influenced them.
In forgiveness we give up the right for revenge. If we do not give up the "right to revenge," we remain in the prison of the abuse.
In forgiveness I get to write the end of the story.
Forgiveness means I believe in the importance of rebuilding the relationship---the relationship with God.
My clinical experience tells me many women in recovery from addiction, addictions of many kinds, have experienced abuse---of many kinds. Moving into forgiveness is an essential piece of recovery. Remaining the victim keeps the anger alive and anger is a primary issue in relapse.
Where do I need to begin my journey of forgiveness?I begin in prayer-asking God to lead me in this. God knows what I need before I ask. In prayer I open myself to remember that I forgive because He has forgiven me.
Blessings---Penny
Without forgiveness there is no future. We remain locked in the past going over and over the insult or perceived slight or the abuse.
We are not expected to forget. Desmond Tutu says it is important to remember so we do not let the issue happen again.In forgiveness we try to stand in the shoes of the perpetrators and try to understand what pressures and influences might have influenced them.
In forgiveness we give up the right for revenge. If we do not give up the "right to revenge," we remain in the prison of the abuse.
In forgiveness I get to write the end of the story.
Forgiveness means I believe in the importance of rebuilding the relationship---the relationship with God.
My clinical experience tells me many women in recovery from addiction, addictions of many kinds, have experienced abuse---of many kinds. Moving into forgiveness is an essential piece of recovery. Remaining the victim keeps the anger alive and anger is a primary issue in relapse.
Where do I need to begin my journey of forgiveness?I begin in prayer-asking God to lead me in this. God knows what I need before I ask. In prayer I open myself to remember that I forgive because He has forgiven me.
Blessings---Penny
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