Year in Review

Newspapers and television have many articles and programs reviewing the major events of 2015. I enjoy doing the same thing personally. I get out the calendar (we are very last century and continue to use a monthly paper calendar!). I look over each month and smile or cringe at the events and appointments. Not really major events on a grand scale but major in our lives.

 The smiles----the move to our new home, the Grand Canyon, the visits with kids in VA. and CA.and the parties they hosted while we were there so we could catch up with their friends,.. Camp CandleGlow-- (babysitting the grandkids with their other grandmother for a week---the playtime), the train trip up the west coast to Victoria and Vancouver, our new dog, Izzy (at times such a delight, at times so psychotic!) ---the groups and workshops, the church family and friends, Mary's continued progress to good health, And there are things that don't appear on the calendar---the continued successes and progress of the older grandkids (all 15!), the concerts, the movies.

The cringes---the medical issues, the unexpected death of Joe's sister, the unnecessary tensions in family.

Many more smiles than cringes but the cringes still pack a wallop.

It really is amazing---how little I know today of what will be the events of 2016. Exciting and scary.

What I do know is that if I am open God will be with me in it all. He will take my hand and walk with me---through the smiles and the cringes.

How about you? Excited? Scared? Open to God's Presence?

Blessings-Penny

Merry Christmas!

Comfort and Joy to all....really.  Take time to count your blessings.

Blessings-Penny

sadness

Did you see the interview with the two  parents whose children had died at Sandy Hook? Did you see the sadness in the mother's eyes. One could literally feel her grief and loss.

And then I gave the talk at the grief group for parents who had lost children here in Las Vegas---some by illness, some by accidents, some by suicide, some by drugs, some by guns.The mother at our table could not stop the tears. Her son had died of a drug/alcohol overdose.

We can't prevent all deaths but there do seem to be some that are preventable. Some gun deaths----even staunch gun owners agree background checks, help for mentally ill, fingerprint required firing are issues we can work toward. Drug and alcohol deaths can be reduced with good treatment. Mothers against drunk driving reduced deaths by thousands.

The sadness is so painful. At this Advent season we are waiting, looking for comfort and joy.

Can we take a few moments today to pray for the parents who are grieving---or anyone we know who is grieving? A friend from many years ago who knew my daughter sends a note every year. She recounts a memory---it is deep comfort.
Can we ask ourselves if there is anyone we can comfort by a phone call, an email, a special card and note?

Blessings-Penny

setting myself up

This sweet new dog of ours, Izzy, needs to be spayed. I have been really stressed about it. She is so fearful---shakes and runs at every loud noise; has a low growl when new people confront her; wants to be in my husband's lap whenever he sits down. We took her to the vet for immunizations last week and she was terrified---had to be carried in to the office, growled at the vet.

So I have been awake for two nights dreading what it would take to get her into the vet's office again for the spay and how she would behave. I sure don't want her to be aggressive in her fear. So off we went at 6 a.m.---to avoid confrontations with other other dogs. Sure enough she had to be carried in (about 50 pounds of dead weight) ---but once in the exam room, she settled down pretty quickly. To make a long story short---it was not nearly as traumatic for her (or me) as I thought.

As we drove home, I shared with my husband about how I had been dreading the morning. He said, "You really set yourself up, don't you?" And after my initial desire to refute that, I have to acknowledge that really is true. I can "jump tall buildings" and really fantasize about the worst possible scenario---especially when it is clear I have no control over a particular situation. In good situations all my planning pays off---when I can control the outcome with good planning. But when it is clear I have no control, I can stay awake nights with nervousness and tension.

It may sound trite and silly, but I thanked God for things going reasonably well this morning. I know God has bigger things to be involved in , but I do believe He is with me even in the little stuff.

Now I need to work on this "setting myself up" for stress and tension in certain situations---to thank God for my ability to plan and also to ask for His peace ---even in the little stuff.

Would you find more peace if you recognize God's help---even in the little stuff?

Blessings-Penny

Hope

In addition to the theme of Courage that I will present at the talk on Sunday night is the theme of Hope. One of the writers I was reading said that hope cannot come out of chaos. That writer said there needs to be peace and quiet for hope to live. However in a discussion with my husband, he had a different perspective. He said that hope is born in chaos. It is when we are at our most desperate that hope is found.

I think of the people at our grief group last Monday night. A mother with a severely autistic adult son whose behavior has become more aggressive. There seems to be no placement for him in this city.  The woman with MS whose mother recently died. The mother whose 14 year old daughter died January 1 one year ago. Chaos--pain---rules their lives.

I think of the people suffering in the depths of addiction. The nights of crying "what am I going to do about this?"

How does hope get born? Is it in the depth of our pain, we open our heart and our hand to God. I look at the sculpture on my desk---a child resting in a large hand---the hand of God.

How does hope come to you? From where? Today? Do you recognize it as a gift from God? Is your hand open to receive it?

Blessings-Penny

courage

I have been asked to speak (briefly) at the local chapter of Compassionate Friends for their annual candle lighting ceremony. Compassionate Friends is a nationwide support group for parents whose children have died. Sadly I am a member---no longer an active member but I belong. The candle lighting ceremony is an event to remember and honor the children.

Preparing a few remarks has led me to reread the book The Return of Courage. I want to speak about courage---the courage these parents have to get up in the morning. When your reason for living---your child---has died, there can seem no reason to get up. It takes courage to put your feet on the floor knowing there were be overwhelming sadness. It takes courage to face well meaning others who want to be supportive but often say things that stab your heart. It takes courage to come to a candle lighting event that stirs memories...to face your grief head on.

One of the themes of this book is that each act of courage defines our personality. Each act of courage gives us freedom in our own destiny. As Victor Frankel said, it is not so much the events which occur in our lives but what we do with those events that shape who we are.

Who do we want to be? How do we use the events of our lives---death, divorce, addiction, financial struggles---to create our own meaning?

Can we take time to ask ourselves these questions? Can we ask God to give us the grace, the courage to rediscover for ourselves the person He wants us to be?

Dear God, let me honor my daughter by the way I live my life.
Blessings-Penny

Thankful

Up early this morning and out with new boxer "puppy." She's a year old, adopted from a seemingly nice family but she's afraid of her own shadow. I laugh that as a retired psychiatric nurse I now have a new three year mental health project. She's very sweet. We were out early on the golf course behind our house (I'll probably get in trouble for that). The moon was full setting over the mountains...not a cloud in the sky....absolutely picture postcard beautiful.

I am thankful....for all of God's creation. No matter where I live in this vast country, there are places and times that take my breath away.

And there are people who take my breath away....people doing loving, amazing things...people doing loving, quiet things.

Yes, a Happy Thanksgiving.

Blessings-Penny

loneliness

A popular doctor/tv personality/columnist recently had an article about substance abuse and addiction. One of the components he identified as primary as a person slides into addiction is loneliness. It made me think about the issues I identify as components of addiction in Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God. The components I identify are highlighted as STIGMA-S=self image;T=traditional roles; I=ineffective communication; G=grief and loss/guilt and shame; M=medical issues; A=anger and abuse.

 As I thought about loneliness as a component of addiction I agreed that it is a factor in every one of the STIGMA issues. If we have a negative image of ourselves, we withdraw and are lonely. If our traditional roles control our lives and frustrate us, we are isolated and lonely. If our communication with others is not open, honest and intimate, we withhold our true feelings and are lonely. Grief and loss/guilt and shame are probably the loneliest feelings in the world.  Medical issues include depression, anxiety and all mental health issues that make us feel like we don't belong. And anger and abuse lead us to lies and lonely, secret lives.

This loneliness is one reason self help groups work in moving people into recovery. It fills a void to talk with people, to connect with people who are struggling with the same issues we are. We feel less alone--less lonely.

And remember---as emphasized in my book Filling the God-shaped Void --"There is a God-shaped void in the heart of every man (woman) which cannot be filled by any created thing, only by God the creator made known through Jesus Christ." I truly believe that. The loneliness in our soul that we try to fill with booze and drugs and other compulsive behaviors, can only truly be filled in our relationship with God.

We are not alone. You are not alone.

Blessings-Penny

anonymous or public?

Alcoholics Anonymous has had a tradition that a person in recovery within their program needs to refrain from acknowledging publicly that they are in recovery within that program. Such a person may speak publicly about their addiction and recovery but should not identify themselves as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. It seems to me that generally recovering people honor that tradition and I am always a bit surprised when that tradition is broken.

However there is a movement in the recovering community to encourage people to publicly acknowledge their addiction and recovery. And in many ways that seems very healthy to me. If we really believe it is a disease---a disease that is not caused by being weak and having a lack of self control---a disease that has a medical and spiritual component---then why should it be such a secret? Keeping THE secret of addiction only adds to its stigma. Addiction is a disease with a progression that can lead to death AND it can be put in remission with treatment. That is very good news for people with this disease. Keeping the opportunity for remission a secret seems like a cop out to me.

I realize acknowledging this disease is not always easy. A friend at dinner the other night spoke of her daughter's recovery saying, "She doesn't talk to me about it." When I recently was asked to do a women's retreat on recovery (based on my book), I hesitated. The retreat group would be women in the new church we attend. Do I really want to talk about my own addiction and recovery? Do I want them to know? Will they think of me differently?

When we stand up and acknowledge this disease publicly we take a risk. When we stand up and acknowledge this disease AND recovery, we give hope.

When we place this disease and recovery within our relationship with God, we are safe.

Blessings-Penny

It's everywhere!

We had lunch yesterday with new friends. We talked about the usual things--work, families, interests. Meeting new people and finding common themes in our lives is one of the pleasures of moving to a new city. And once again the struggles with drug addiction were a common theme.

Our new friends, Jennifer and Carl, are in their second marriages. Jennifer's adult son died of alcoholism. He was home alone, drank too much, passed out, choked on his own vomit and died. Carl's daughter married a drug addict, became one herself; her husband shot himself'; the daughter got into recovery and is now a addictions counselor. Our new friends raised her son--their grandson. It's everywhere!

My husband's sister was raising her grandson, son of an addict, when she died last summer. It's everywhere!

As I mentioned in a recent blog, 5 of the 6 people in our monthly grief group acknowledged being impacted by addiction-either their own or a family member. It's everywhere!

Recently the newspaper reported that in New Hampshire, the most important political topic in these primary election races is the issue of drug addiction---prescription drugs, alcohol, heroin. Not ISIS, not the economy; not a candidates life story, Addiction! It's everywhere!

Those of us who acknowledge addiction/alcoholism as being an issue in our lives are the fortunate ones. At least we acknowledge it. Whether it be our own struggle or the struggle of someone we love, with acknowledgement comes the opportunity to make choices. The choices can be difficult. Sometimes we have to make the recovery choice over and over---the struggle continues.

Are we thankful for that choice? Every day do we thank God for the opportunity to do the "loving thing?"---make the loving choice---the loving choice for ourselves and for those we love?

Blessings--Penny

"Who tells you who you are?"

A small group of women were at our grief group this week. The conversation centered on the sense of depression one woman expressed in relation to her grief. She acknowledged she had often felt this depression before her mother died and now it seemed even more intense. She sees a psychiatrist and is on medication but the depression is always there. "I just want to stay home and stay in bed...." She also expressed a sense of not being a good mother because she doesn't take her son to multiple activities---- "like the other women at work tell me I should do...I should give him a chance to try things and let him choose....He comes to the children's group here at church and sings in the children's choir."

Another young mother identified similar issues. "I feel like I'm not doing enough activity for my son....Other mothers do so much more. I wonder how they do it....I feel like I'm not a good mother."

Comparing ourselves to others, feeling like we don't measure up seems to be part of the "human condition." We all seem to do it even though at some level we know other people do the same thing...and may feel they don't measure up to us in some way.

At another level we know we "should" understand that we measure up in God's eyes. He tells us who we are. We are loved and cherished and belong to Him.. We are his children and He loves us more than we love our own children. He knows our struggles---He feels our sadness. He takes our hand. But when depression and grief and guilt surround us, it is very difficult to hold on to the promise of His love.

How do we that---how do we hold on to that promise? We live into it. We pray every day for the peace that comes with that promise. We pray for the wholeness that comes with that promise.

Every day He tells us who we are.

Blessings-Penny

joy of recovery

We went to a piano concert the other day. It was lovely--familiar pieces from Broadway to pop to classical. During the concert the pianist shared with the audience that he was celebrating 4 years of recovery. His sponsor was in the audience. He spoke of the joy of recovery, of doors that have opened, of the miracle of his recovery. He smiled and laughed as he talked. Clearly he loves his new life.

I was reminded of a tv commercial about quitting smoking. For years the commercial has shown a woman who is in the process of quitting. She eats apples, takes a walk, hugs her son. A more recent version of the commercial shows a man sitting at a table with a huge grin on his face. He enthusiastically says, "I love being a non-smoker!" A real pleasure in his new life.

That's what recovery is meant to be--a real pleasure---a real love of a new life. Unfortunately when one is still drinking or drugging, the thought of not drinking or drugging often feels like giving up too much---too much fun, too much relaxation, too much.......just too much. The reality is when one chooses to stop letting the addiction control one's life, it is not just eating apples and going for walks; the new life is full of love, and huge grins and miracles and joy and open doors.

The closing prayer on Sunday..."O God, you have called your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown. Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go, but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting ."

Blessings-Penny

good to be home

Interesting trip---train ride up the west coast-1139 miles- California, Oregon, Washington, Victoria, Vancouver and back down the coast. Drought in California, huge evergreens in Oregon, lush Washington, Buchart Gardens in Victoria absolutely gorgeous, Vancouver all glass high rises. All in all an adventure with many moving parts---trains, ferries, tours, different hotels. Good to be home!!

Within an hour of coming in the house a call from a friend. Her husband has bipolar illness (with a touch of substance abuse) and he's escalating. Mental illness is such a sad. difficult disease. The family is under such stress. How to help? Resources are slim to none and as typical of this disease, he doesn't think he needs any resources.  

So we meet with them-separately. He sees her as the enemy right now. We offer support. We no longer are professionals in the field. We listen. We offer gentle options.

We pray. We encourage them to be open to God's peace.

Life is very very hard.

Blessings-Penny

a short break

We leave in 2 days for a train trip up the west coast of the US. It's called the Coastal Starlight though alot of it is interior California, Oregon and Washington. We'll see Victoria BC, Vancouver, Seattle and back home.

Should be a great trip--a dome car on the train, beautiful scenery, good food, quiet time.

Home in 10 days.

God grant us a safe trip. Take care of those we love---and a special blessing to those who read this blog---some of you I don't even know. I am touched and hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings-Penny

"walking on eggs shells"

A friend recently shared about an incident with her husband. He had wanted to buy a new set of exercise equipment. They already had an exercise bike that he rarely used. She said something like  (in a very critical tone), "You never use the bike we have! Why would we get something else that you'd just use to hang your clothes on.You never continue with exercise" And she went on. He then became silent for the remainder of the day.

My friend was incensed that he had withdrawn. "Why can't I say what I want to say? Why do I have to walk on eggs shells? When do I get to be who I am? He always criticizes me---the words I use, the way I talk."

Clearly a significant communication problem in this couple. And probably a whole lot more difficulty in the marriage than just communication. She asked what I would have said.

I hesitated. "Well, I probably would have said something but maybe in a different way. Something like, 'I really would like you to exercise more. If I saw you using the bike more first, I might be more willing to think about more equipment.' " I continued, "I try to filter or think through what I'm going to say. I don't like conflict and if I can filter and still get my thought or feeling across, I'm ok with that. I don't see it as not being who I am. I see it as valuing the relationship." I continued, "I don't think you would speak to someone at work in a critical tone or with destructive words. You might not agree with something they do, but you'd find a way to say it without being destructive....At times we don't value or respect our marital relationships or even our relationships with our children as much as we do our relationships with people at work. We say things to our family that we'd never say to someone outside the family....Do I value my anger more or the relationship more?"

Sharing our feelings in a caring, thoughtful, intentional way is not "walking on eggs shells." It is love.

God, give me the grace to be loving today.
Blessings-Penny

a sacred day

As I sat on the patio last evening reviewing my day, I realized it had been a sacred day...blessed by smiles, laughter, and joy....even some tears... sacred tears. 

As I did my 2 1/2 mile walk in the morning a male cyclist rode by and greeted me with a "Hi, Babe!" Well, it's been a long time since anyone called me "babe." Now I realize he probably calls all women Babe, and maybe my feminist leanings should have been insulted, but I was amused and pleased. I smiled the whole rest of my walk. 

Then in the afternoon Joe and I were presenting a workshop at a regional conference here in Vegas. I had let Joe's son and daughter (in-law) know the times of our presentation since they had expressed an interest in the topic a few months ago. The topic was "Grief and Hope" and someone we all love is experiencing very serious health problems. Well, as we were turning to leave the welcoming meeting, I turned around and there they were. These are very very busy professional people with 2 babies. Especially this week I had not at all expected them to come. 

How delighted, pleased, touched we were to have them take the time. Granted the topic was of interest to them but to have their love and support for us was a truly sacred gift. During my part of the presentation I talk about my daughter's death and the grief process. I am right back there----so many years ago...and tears come. I struggle to move along in the story. I looked at Joe's son and his face was so full of concern. What a gift. 

At the close of my part of the presentation I give a quote---one of my favorite from F. Buechner:

"But of this you can be sure. Whenever you feel tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest of attention.

They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next."

A beautiful, sacred day--laughter--tears---love. 

Blessings-Penny

devastating impact

Joe and I facilitate a monthly group entitled Grief and Hope. It's a small group, seven of us around the table last night, two were new. The new people were a mother and her young, adult daughter. The woman's former husband, the father of the adult daughter, had died about 10 months ago. Cause of death was alcoholism. Initially he was presented as a great guy with such a great sense of humor. As the group progressed the darker side emerged. He felt he wasn't hurting anyone since he kept his job and wasn't abusive. The daughter is clearly suffering from the loss. She feels he chose the alcohol over her. She feels she "can't live with the pain...can't get up in the morning." I am very concerned for her and suggested more immediate professional counseling

And also, once again, I was struck by the mutual feelings of those at the table. Of the seven of us at the table, five had had an alcoholic parent. The impact on each person has been devastating and each acknowledged still having feelings of anger, poor self esteem, depression, poor relationships, their own struggles with addiction. And this isn't an AA group!

Those of us given the grace from God to make changes in our lives, changes related to addiction or any other devastating disease, any disease where there is a choice to live differently, are so blessed. In the disease of addiction we do have a choice. It's a difficult choice. Often we have to choose to make changes many times. The first times often don't work. We try to do it alone. But we do have a choice. With God's grace (we don't do it alone!) we can re-decide.

We decide to take God's hand-the hand that is always there. We place recovery in our relationship with God. We accept the peace that passes all understanding. Recovery is peace---peace for ourselves and those we love.

Peace and blessings-Penny

envy?

My husband has been dieting for a couple of months. A diagnosis of "pre-diabetes" was the motivation and he has been moderating what and how much he eats. I am amazed and impressed--22 lbs. later. And the "pre-diabetes" blood sugar levels are significantly reduced.

I have mentioned his weight loss in conversations with a couple of friends and the response has often been, "don't you just hate that...or...don't you just hate him?" Well, no. As I said I am impressed and I am aware that this has taken a great deal of self denial, self discipline. This is not something that magically happened for him.

I wonder what makes people make comments like "don't you just hate that?" I guess it's envy. Most of us have some pounds we'd like to shed and though we make some effort, the weight just hangs on (literally!)  But again like so much of our communication, it really does reflect that it is all about us.

I remember in early recovery being so envious of people with years of sobriety. I thought, "I'll never have more years than they do."  Competitive---envious. I didn't really think through the years of focus and change that they had gone through.

And does that enviousness reflect a lack of gratitude---gratitude that I have enough to eat---gratitude that my body likes to eat!---gratitude that if I really want my life to be different I can make the necessary changes. I really can! I don't need to envy someone else's success. I can have my own success.

 I remember years ago reading a book that changed my life. The author said, "If there is something you don't like about your life, you can change it." What empowerment!I looked up from reading that passage and my life changed.

Is there something you would like changed in your life? Even something small? Take God's hand and he walks with you.

Blessings-Penny

Another lesson

So often when we hear of someone's crisis, a crisis such as an illness, an accident, a job loss or  a family death, it is difficult to pick up the phone and call them. We'd rather send a quick email or text. We want to let them know we are thinking of them but we "don't want to bother them." At least that's what we tell ourselves---and that's how we maintain a comfortable distance. We fear we won't know what to say. We are afraid we will cause them more pain---"maybe they are doing alright at this moment and if I call I'll only remind them."

My husband, who has a gentle soul and a pastor's heart, received news of the death of a long time friend this week. Within a couple of hours he was phoning the man's wife. They talked about old times. They talked about the friend's illness. They talked about how she was doing---her children, her sadness, her spiritual place. He had no hesitation about phoning her. He knew in his heart he wouldn't be "bothering her." He knew in his soul she could use his comfort.

Another lesson for me. Don't procrastinate. Ask the second question---don't just hit the surface feelings. Ask, "how is that for you?...what are the things you miss?"

That is what community means. Reaching out---touching. Holding someone-even from a distance.
For those of us who are believers, it is "the kingdom of God on earth."

How's your community? How is "the kingdom of God" in your place on earth?

Blessings-Penny

at the end of the day

On my birthday a few days ago I closed the day by taking dinner to our church. Twice a year the church sponsors families from the consortium, Family Promise. These families are homeless and Family Promise works with churches in Las Vegas to provide sleeping space, food, and companionship to them. Each church sponsors families for a couple of weeks. Family Promise also provides work related support such as resume writing, nutrition counseling, health screening and works with the families to find transitional housing. It is a national organization.

There were two families being sponsored this week at our church...a father with 3 young boys ages 2, 3 and 4 years...and a set of grandparents with three children ages 6 and 8 years, and a teenage girl.After we all had eaten I watched and played with the children -especially the 2 year old. He was clearly able to take care of himself--ate by himself (messy but he got the food in his mouth), able to make his needs known (words not fully formed but clear enough). The 3 year old had significant behavioral problems and dad struggled to manage them. The 4 year old ate hardly a thing. The teenage girl played with the others in her family and looked sweet but sad. What does she tell her friends about where she lives? How does she manage in school?

I left that evening with even more reflection. If we believe Maslow's hierarchy of needs ( and I do)---that the basic needs of all of us are 1. food, shelter, clothing
.                                                       2.  safety and security
                                                        3. love and belonging
                                                        4. self esteem
                                                        5. self actualization
then what chance do the children caught in homelessness have? The children I was with that evening had some of the basics but what is their sense in the uncertainty, the new place every couple of weeks. And these are the fortunate ones!--the ones with some resources!

I was a psychiatric nurse for 30 years. I've seen the outcome of people with unmet basic needs. They struggle to fill those needs their whole lives.
What do we do about income equality? The haves and the have nots?
We reach out in love. At the end of each day we get involved in whatever way we can. We are response-able--responsible. We really are!
 Blessings-Penny

How did this happen???

OR---how did I get this old??? This is a really big birthday for me. Like most of my friends this age, we all wonder how this happened. Weren't we 40 just a few years ago?? Well, maybe 50 but surely we aren't in our 70's---even 75!!! Yoweee!

We also are acutely aware of how lucky we are. Most of us are in reasonable health. Maybe we've had a few health scares but basically still pretty independent. Joe and I continue to enjoy friends, family, reading, writing, give a few workshops a year, travel a little, and even a little adventure at the casinos! Why live in Vegas if not??!! Life is certainly quieter---thank heaven. I hope not to complicate it---but knowing me that's not a promise.

I spent Saturday morning with two younger women friends. One challenged by "what now?" Now that the kids are grown and off to professional careers. Another challenged by incredible work stress---harassment, threat of discipline. It all takes me back to "then."

And given it's my birthday weekend I found myself in reflection---the days of pure joy---the days of incredible sorrow---the successes---the disappointments---the adventures. That's how I got this old. One day at a time.

The pleasure of now is the quieter days...the days to sit on the porch---look at the mountains---reflect---plan (whoops!)---and mostly to be mindful---to let it all be---to place it all in God's loving hands.

Let it be---place it all in God's loving hands.

Blessings-Penny

a little more on mindfulness

The author I quoted a few blogs ago, David Foster Wallace, also has some thoughts on mindfulness.

" The really important kind of freedom involves attention, awareness, and discipline, and effort and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways every day...The only thing that capital -T-True is that you get to decide how you are going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't...the trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness."

That is the trick---keeping the truth up-front---every day. It does take attention, awareness, intentionaltiy. Keeping what's important up-front. Focus, prayer.

Getting up each morning with a prayer that the Holy Spirit is with me in the day helping me sort out what is important, what is the truth, what has meaning and what doesn't. Freedom!

How's that going?

Blessings-Penny

"mindfulness"

The television news program "60 Minutes" had a piece on "mindfulness." This is a "new" therapeutic approach based in meditation to help focus one's awareness on what is going on in one's life at that moment. It is about calming our anxieties that tend to focus on the past or on what's coming next---missing the moment.

Mindfulness was a major part of the therapeutic approach to help our young relative with her borderline cutting and eating disorder. The goal was to help her reduce her anxiety when the voices in her head told her feelings from the past or fears of the future are terrifying. In "mindfulness" she is encouraged to relax and focus on her breathing. It's part yoga, part relaxation, part spiritual. It seems to work. The news reporter said the practice has changed his life.

One of the keys to success in mindfulness is to remember to focus on the now-remember to focus on the breathing. It takes an "intentionality." Remember in the morning upon awakening that "mindfulness" needs to a priority.

Mindfulness and intentionality are important and really required for recovery.

A member of our bible class used the term "intentionality" to discuss how he makes Christ the priority in his life. The Spirit works in our lives every day but only if we are open to its work. If we close it out because of our focus on the past, the future, our anxiety, we miss the loving message of peace from the Spirit NOW.

Be "mindful" of Christ's work NOW---this minute---today.

Blessings-Penny

worth considering

In her book, Lit, the author Mary Karr tells of her slide into addiction and her move into recovery. There is much enjoyable writing in this book. One quote that particularly caught me, "Being who you are is not a diagnosis." In our culture we diagnose addiction, alcoholism, chemical dependency etc. etc. And we should diagnose them. They are chronic diseases which can lead to death.

But I've always resisted the required introduction in self help groups of "I'm Penny and I'm an alcoholic." That makes me my diagnosis....Webster "the process of deciding the nature of the diseased condition" That makes me my disease. It may be a fine point but I prefer the second definition of "diagnosis" in Webster's dictionary---"a careful investigation of the facts to determine the nature of the thing." Yes-that was a major part of my recovery. "A careful investigation of the facts to determine the nature of the thing." And the investigation was that I was drinking way too much and it was leading me to be a person I did not want to be. It was getting in the way of what I wanted to do with my life.

"Being who I am" is in recovery---not the perfect recovery as defined by self help groups but no longer interfering with who I want to be. "In recovery" is not a diagnosis.

"In recovery" for me means placing my recovery in my relationship with God--living my life as a child of God---not "perfectly" by a long shot---but "being who I am" in this relationship changed everything.

Who are you?

Blessings-Penny

"old parts"

We recently saw a movie about the writer, David Foster Wallace. He was a prolific writer who tried to make sense out of life and the everyday, simple things. I think of him as having an existential core---sort of "what's it all about?" He committed suicide in his mid-forties after struggling with severe depression for many decades.

And though much of his writing was about everyday questions, he also had some answers. One of the quotes from the movie was talking about his struggle with alcohol and alcoholism. "No, I don't drink...The old parts of me are still here but I don't let them drive anymore."

I think that fits for many of us who have had our struggles, no matter what the addiction...and no matter how "imperfectly" we may be in recovery.  The old parts are still here but we work on not letting them drive anymore.

I call that recovery. What do you call it?

Dear God--help me remain in recovery---whether or not it is "perfect" recovery. Don't let the addiction drive.

Blessings-Penny

and then

In the previous blog I criticized a family member for her lack of response to my husband's grief over the death of his sister. Wouldn't you know, the next day there was a note from her. The note acknowledged the death and Joe's sister's sense of humor. Not much else.

And then, kind of out of the blue, a lovely, caring. personal note from a young family member. This  person has been mentioned in this blog. She has struggled with anxiety and bullying and yet has grown into an adventurous, bright, compassionate young woman willing to express her love and concern in a very personal way.

Another phone call from a nephew---concerned about my husband's loss, what it means in his life.

This is all a lesson for me. Don't criticize too early! Don't jump to accusations!! And yet, be deeply touched by the gentleness and love from unexpected people.

Step back, reflect, give thanks, meditate, pray.

Blessings-Penny

Really?

My husband, Joe, and a close family member have had some communication problems lately. This isn't new but a rather serious incident occurred in the last several weeks. Each thinks the other was out of line and needs to apologize and is so often the problem, neither is about to give.

The immediate problem is that the "close family member" has not made any move to send Joe a condolence or message of support as he grieves for his sister. The "close family member" was very involved with Joe's sister as she grew up and would know the significance of her death for Joe.
Joe is hurt and angry. I'm just angry.

I fear the longer the lack of communication the more likely the hurt and anger will get "concretized" and connection will be harder and harder. I've talked with Joe. He says he'll "give it a few more weeks."

Is there anyone in my/your family or circle of friends with whom we might have communication problems? Is there a distance? Do I need to take the first step? What do I have to lose except my anger? Will we feel better if we make that first step---no matter the outcome?

"Love one another as I have loved you."

Blessings-Penny

"faithing"

We have had a sad week.My husband's sister, Jeanette, died unexpectedly on Wednesday. She had had a stroke the week before and malignant masses had been found on her liver and pancreas. I've mentioned Jeanette in this blog before. She was raising her grandson, now age 15, because his mother is a meth addict. My husband always said Jeanette was the hero of his family. My husband and Jeanette telephoned weekly. She visited yearly and in these phone visits and on the porch they would talk and laugh and reminisce for hours. I see him staring out the window and ask what he is thinking. "Jeanette."

Jeanette's biggest concern was she would die before her grandson was grown. She often said, "I pray I live until he's 18." Well, she didn't. The only good thing in this is with the stroke and ensuing coma she didn't have to linger and worry. He is a wonderful young man. She has done a magnificent job in raising him. He has faith. But what losses this kid has had! He will be taken care of by another of Jeanette's sons and his family now.

Coincidentally in our meditations this week there was a devotion on "faithing." The writer gave this word as another word for "grieving." His point was that in times of grief sometimes the only thing is to hold on to our faith. There are no answers to "why Jeanette?"--"why now?" There is only faith that God is with her, with her grandson, and with us. Faith in His promise.

God give us the strength of faith in our loss and grief.

Blessings-Penny

tender moments

Our son shared a moment he had with his almost 3 year old boy a few days ago. It was bedtime and they were at the bottom of the stairs ready to go up for baths. Little Joe reached up and tucked his small hand into his father's large one. He looked up at his dad and said, "When we hold hands, it's like my hand is a bird in its nest." Of course we think this child is almost brilliant to make that kind of analogy...and I love the spiritual framing of it

Years ago my husband gave me a statue from Germany of a very young girl being held in large loving hands. My husband  wants me to think of Merry Pat, my daughter, being held in God's hands.

When I pray, can I think of that time as being held in God's hands? Are you held in His loving hands?

Blessings-Penny

Do it now!

A rather long article in the local paper caught my attention this week. A businessman apparently well known and well respected in this area had died suddenly. This man was to turn 80 years old next month. What the article emphasized and what caught my attention was that he had planned to retire on his 80th birthday and to be married on the same day! On his 80th birthday! Many friends quoted in the article were saddened that he would miss these two major parts of his life---retirement and a new marriage.

Now maybe the man loved what he did and worked so long because he loved his work. Maybe the person he was going to marry was already an intimate partner. But it surely struck his friends and caught my attention that we must never think we have tomorrow. We must do today what sparks our interest and our passion.

Today give some thought about what you don't want to miss. Is there something you need to do...something you need to say to someone you love...if tomorrow doesn't come for you.

Do you need to say something to God today?

Blessings-Penny

a gift from me to me

I just spent the afternoon watching a 3 hour  HBO special on Frank Sinatra. When have I ever watched a 3 hour television show (well maybe a football game!)? It was so good and I have been such a fan of his for so many years. But really!-3 hours? I didn't realize it was 3 hours when I started watching-just thought I'd take a little break and watch what I thought might be an hour special. But it caught me and I loved it.

But as the show continued hour after hour I had pangs of guilt. Should I really be spending time doing this? And then I decided "yes." I would give myself this treat, this pleasure, this delight.

When have you given yourself a treat, a pleasure, a delight? It really is a gift---no guilt necessary. It's what life is supposed to be---times of unexpected treats. Do it!

Blessings-Penny

the bed is gone!

4:30 a.m. and I was wide awake. Unfortunately that is not all that unusual. Happens a few mornings a month. I try to go back to sleep --sometimes successfully-sometimes just lots of random thoughts.

But this morning my thoughts were of a gathering on Friday. My friend (family) who was diagnosed with lymphoma about one year ago had us and other family for dinner. Her father and brother were in town so we ranged in age from 88 years to 6 months. This morning it absolutely struck me, "Her bed was gone!" A hospital bed has been in her living room since she returned from the rehab hospital in October. It was gone ---and I didn't realize it until this morning.

Isn't that the way with miracles in our lives. We hardly notice. Now we have all been aware of this dear lady's progress over the year--the week after week of chemo, the pain she rarely even mentions, her determination to delight in her grandchildren---and even her occasional trips to the casino for a bit of fun. But the bed is gone! What a testament to God's embrace of her.

Dear God-let me be aware of your work in my life---your embrace. Let the signs of my struggles be removed as I heal.

Blessings-Penny

integrity

The last few days the  media has been consumed with the saga of Tom Brady---mostly his destruction of his cell phone when it apparently was going to be analyzed for phone calls related to the accusation he was involved in deflating footballs before a critical football game last winter. Some say the deflation of the balls was not such a big deal though it made the balls easier to catch and reduced the chance of fumbles.

ANYWAY-the bigger issue now is the fact he apparently tried to hide evidence (destroyed the cell phone) and continues to deny the allegations that he was involved in the original deflation. His integrity is in jeopardy. He may be a great football player but can he be trusted as a person? Is he a liar?

It all is so reminiscent of so many stories in our recent history---the Watergate incident. If Nixon had just said, "Yeah, some of my guys broke in to that office. That's what we do in politics"--maybe he wouldn't have had to resign. If military had said, "We screwed intelligence related to the Viet Cong"...later "We screwed up intelligence related to weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." If Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriquez and Barry Bonds had said, "Yeah, I screwed up." If the Little League team in Chicago had not recruited from out of its geographical zone.

It just seems lying and trying to protect ourselves at all costs is the accepted "integrity" of today.
We lie when we feel trapped, backed into a corner and that is such a terrible feeling. And one lie leads to another.
One of the joys of recovery is not having to lie any more. I may screw up---and screw up royally---but it's not because I am drunk. It's because I am not perfect. What a gift!

Does recovery from whatever challenges you, give you the peace of integrity?

Blessings-Penny

those long time friends

As I mentioned in my last blog I spent time with long time friends on my trip to Virginia. Long ago we were young wives together, having babies and raising children. I have watched their journeys, They have watched mine. I think I really know them and they know me. We were talking about what is left on our bucket lists and Cathy said, "I want to drive across country by myself." This stunned me. We are not kids! I had no idea she had that kind of independent adventurous spirit. If she had said she wanted to do that with her husband, I would not have been surprised. Family has always been her priority.

But no---she wants to do it alone. The other friend and I laughed and talked about this adventure and proposed maybe we should come behind in a chase car. Nope---alone.

Things you never know until you take the time to ask...not "how are you?" but "who are you?"

Is there someone you might take time with and ask "who are you?" What might you learn?

God knows who we are and He yearns to hear our dreams and adventures. Talk with Him.

Blessings-Penny

Ouch

I have been visiting my son and his family in Virginia. I live in Nevada. Long trip.
While there we did lots of great things---a college visit trip with his two high school teenagers--a big family dinner with his four teenagers and their "friends"---separate meals with the kids where I get to find out about their lives. At the end of the visit my son took me to join up with two very very long time friends of mine for a "girls' night" at a lovely historic hotel in Richmond, Virginia. It was grand.

However the "ouch" came as my son was talking with these long time friends and their husbands before we left for the girls' night They have known him since birth. They were asking my son if he and his wife planned to stay in Virginia after the kids go off to college. My son's response was, "Well our parents live on the east coast so we will most probably stay on the east coast." (Remember I live in Nevada---far away from the east coast.) OUCH! I made a joke of it at the time but OUCH! Thoughts like "Well who am I??----Don't I count???---Am I not a priority in your thoughts of parents??"

There is a part of me that wants to excuse his statement as "He just wasn't thinking"  or "Just a careless remark" or "Well I am the one who moved far away." But I have to admit it hurt. I'm not certain what to do about it. I probably won't just let it go because it will niggle at me. But I also don't want to make it bigger than it was. I feel like some clients I have worked with who make situations like this huge. Then it leads to hurt feelings for years and emotional cutoffs. Hurt and anger are not far apart.  I don't want to do that.

So I guess I will pray about it, turn it over in my mind many times, figure out what and how to talk about it with him without putting him on the defensive, and find "the loving thing to do."

You can too.

And know God is with us in this too!

Blessings-Penny

Selfish actions

"There are no private choices.There is no such thing as "your own thing." All selfish actions damage those in love with you." This is a quote from Walter Wangerin, Jr. in his daily reflection book "Measuring Days."

The quote really requires no further analysis. But it reminds me of my own drinking days----At the beginning it was done after the children were in bed. But as in most addictions it crept into more hours of the evening and then the days. I told myself I wasn't hurting anyone but the reality was I was hurting lots of people.  "My own thing" made me emotionally absent and pre-occupied. And ultimately I was damaging my own spirituality. I was empty.

Today-what selfish action --what "own thing"---is causing damage to those who love me?

Blessings-Penny

friends

While living in Vermont, I was a member of a woman's group that met monthly. It was a group organized by a close friend with the primary purpose of mutual support. We took turns talking without interrupting each other. Giving advice and offering solutions to each other's issues was frowned upon. We shared our similar experiences but none expected to give or receive answers to the issues we shared. We simply wanted to be heard--have a place to express our thoughts and feelings.

Often the conversations centered on relationships---relationships with adult children, daughters and sons-in-law, colleagues, husbands. After all we were women and relationships form our core. Of course, there was the understanding that what was shared there, remained there.

I have missed the group and was delighted when a new friend here in Las Vegas suggested we form a similar group. We met for the first time yesterday. It was lovely. We were a small group. We talked of asking others to join and talked of the need to be secure in other's respect for confidentiality. We need to ask women with whom we can be totally honest. We need to not have to edit what we share.

And the level of honesty simply flowed. Sometimes we asked the second question. Sometimes we clarified. We laughed. We talked of wanting to live our lives making a difference, having some fun, fulfilling our goals.

I truly believe all of us need this kind of friendship, this level of trust---a place where we can be authentic--risk sharing "secret" thoughts and dreams. I think women need this more than men, but I also believe men benefit from trusting friendships. We need to place those thoughts that keep rolling around in our heads in front of others. Having a small group means those thoughts are shared--we are heard by others.

I also believe we can have this "authentic" relationship with God. It's called prayer. We talk. We are heard. It is His promise.

Do you have a special group with whom to share HONESTLY? Do you see the group as a gift from God?---a place He wants you reduce stress, have friends. Do you also take those thoughts and concerns to God?

Blessings-Penny

a baby's delight

A baby's delight becomes my delight. I have just spent 4 days with a 5 month old baby. She is discovering herself and she is delighted. She kicks her legs in the air and reaches for her toes with the most satisfied smile. She holds onto her feet and looks at me as if to say."Aren't these the most beautiful feet you have ever seen?!"

Then she discovers her voice. She's been cooing for several weeks and now she finds she can laugh and scream in joy and repeat the same sounds over and over. She's found her voice! How I pray she continues to find her voice---that all of us who love her so dearly and delight in her new voice encourage her to use that voice for the rest of her life.

And then there is news that a young woman we have known since birth and is now in her 20's is using her voice and the power of that voice in unbelievable ways. This is a young woman who as a child and teenager struggled mightily with anxiety and bullying. Sometimes we wondered if she would ever leave home. Now she travels to the mideast (Egypt/Jordan) to help refugees, to become more fluent in the Arabic language. She has blossomed into a young woman with a powerful voice.

That has happened with the love and support of parents, teachers, and mentors--people who held her in her struggles, acknowledged her challenges, and encouraged her to use her gifts.

All of us want to be that kind of parent...delighting, loving, patient, and encouraging--- but all too often in our frustration with children being children and us being us, we are less than we want to be. We yell, we tell them to be quiet, we grab them a little too hard.

Today, let us pray to be gentle with the children we are with. Even if we only meet them in the grocery store or on the bus or at our dinner table, let us give a smile, speak softly, delight in their discoveries, show love.

Isn't that what we want from God, our Father?---a smile, a softly spoken word, His delight in our discoveries, love.

Blessings-Penny

whoops--again!

In my last post I identified the soccer player as U.S. She was English! And then I said she headed it when in fact it was a kick. Wow! How wrong can I be with the facts?? At least I'm not a news reporter. Sorry about all that.

I still hope and pray she can "let it be!!"
Penny

"Let it be"-Part 2

I don't follow women's soccer very closely (at all?), but one couldn't miss the chatter about the misplaced goal in last week's tournament game. It was on every sports talk show, every newspaper sports section, twitter etc. etc. A young woman U.S. player headed the ball into the opposing team's net (by accident!) and the U. S. lost the game by that point. Most of the sports casters I heard were very sympathetic and wondered how a coach could console a player following such a freak accident.

I would guess the usual supportive conversation would go something like this. "You have to let it go. It was an accident. It could happen to anybody...We would have won this game if any number of other things had happened. You have to forget it and move on." But, of course, it was this woman's worst nightmare. Right there on world television. Right there in the most important game of her life. The memory will never "go" away. Because that's what "let it go" means. "Let it go away."

Again there is a difference between "let it go" and "let it be." She will never forget it. She can try to "let it go." She can try to minimize it...explain it...understand it...include others in the blame...push it away. Try to do something in her head to make it go away. But the reality is that it happened.  It happened in her life. It is. "Let it be."

We all have real nightmares in our lives. We have directly caused some of those nightmare and some are simply part of life---of being human. We want to "let it go" away. We deny, minimize, blame others for their part. Friends say things like, "I don't know if you've ever let that go...you still hold on to it." When we acknowledge those living nightmares, when we acknowledge our responsibility for them, when we understand they are not going to go away, we learn to "let them be." When we move into "letting it be," the nightmares begin to lose their power. They don't consume our thinking. They don't play over and over in our head.

Can we  think of God as our "coach?"...not His most important role but one that might be helpful as we consider these nightmares. He says, "I remember your sins no more." His most important role was to die for our sins...He forgives. He says, "Come to Me and I will give you rest...Let it be."

Today---let it be.

Blessings-Penny

"let it go" or "let it be?"

Recently I was talking with a woman, let's call her Carol,  about the abuse she had experienced both as a child and later as an adult. The perpetrators were men and Carol is having difficulty in trusting men in relationships and in her professional life as well. She is angry and afraid.

Carol said she has been in therapy several times particularly when a crisis had arisen related to trust. During our conversation she said that therapists and friends have told her she needs to "let go" of her anger and fear. She needs to "let go" of the memories of the abuse. And she said she doesn't know how to do that. She says if she "let's go" she will be letting the perpetrators off the hook.

I was reminded of Desmond Tutu's framework of forgiveness in which he says when we forgive we continue to hold perpetrators responsible for their actions:in forgiveness we move forward and we get to write the end of the story. How do we do that? How can Carol begin to write the end of the story?

I encouraged Carol to consider moving forward from "letting it go" to "letting it be." Letting it go implies I have to DO something. I have to give up something. "Letting it be" implies I accept this abuse happened to me in the past. That was my reality then. AND now I have a new reality. I have a new normal. I accept that was terrible and traumatic but that was then. My new normal is I have choices about how I react, how I interact. I can "let it be" in the past.

This change of thinking works for many of those things we wish to leave in the past---the mistakes we have made, the poor choices, the losses. We apologize; we take responsibility and then we work towards "letting it be" in the past. A certain amount of guilt is healthy-it keeps us on the straight and narrow --but overwhelming shame leads to further poor choices. The Beatles had it right--"Let it be...let it be."

Dear God--help me today to shift my thinking about all those old sins, offenses, losses, sadnesses. Help me to "let them be" in the past. Help me to move forward and love this gift of a new part of the story...my new normal.

Blessings-Penny

"You are in remission!"

Those blessed words were said by my friend's doctor. I have mentioned this friend in several blogs. She was given a diagnosis of lymphoma late last summer and has been undergoing almost weekly chemo for about 10 months. It seems to have been effective. The doctor is pleased with her lab work. Signs and symptoms initially decreased and now have disappeared. This friend is realistic that she is not cured but these treatments have given her a chance for further treatment and certainly an improved quality of life. She is encouraged that her next treatment will be at "The City of Hope" hospital in Los Angeles.

In some ways isn't this what we hope for in addiction? No one will say we are "cured" but we certainly pray for "remission" or what we call "recovery." We go through some form of "treatment" even if it is just personal---though self help and programs offer other forms of effective treatments, Like my friend we are never quite certain when "remission" or "recovery" begins but  signs and symptoms  decrease for us too.

My friend is receiving many many congratulations and wishes of continued prayers and hope.
For those of us with the disease of addiction, the signs of remission and recovery are often quite subtle. Wishes of congratulations and prayers are often not quite as evident. But we, too, are in remission from a fatal disease.

We need to live in a "City of Hope." We need to remember God is sending us daily congratulations and the promise of a better "quality of life." We are not alone.

Blessings-Penny

Be Not Afraid"

"Be Not Afraid", one of my favorite hymns, was the Entrance hymn in church Sunday. It gives me such peace. "I go before you always, come follow me." God's promise.

Later in the day I asked a young friend what she might be afraid of. She said she is afraid of failing. She said she has missed a number of opportunities, both professional and spiritual, because she is afraid of failing. When I asked an older friend, she said she is afraid of failing health. Our fears are different at different times in our lives.

I thought of friends, clients, family who are afraid of recovery. They may have "failed" at recovery, --maybe several times!-- and fear failing again. A relapse can be devastating. They may be afraid of recovery itself. Their thinking goes---'What will I do for fun? ...Recovery means I have to change. I don't like change...who will I hang out with?....How will I ease my pain?...this is who I am---I'm the guy with the truck and the swagger---I'm the girl who does shots and everybody laughs with (at)--He might leave me"---  all kinds of excuses. "What if I relapse again?...Why bother?" In the middle of an "urge," we tend to forget the peace that comes with recovery.

"Be not afraid. I go before you always.Come follow me and I will give you rest." God's promise.

Today, let us remember He promises His peace. When we fear failure or health problems, when we fear 'picking up again', whatever we struggle with---whenever--- let us see God before us---come follow Him to His peace. His rest.

Blessings-Penny

Merry Pat

"You never know what may cause them...but of this you can be sure. Whenever you find tears in your eyes,especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest of attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next." F. Buechner

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my daughter's (Merry Pat) death---39 years ago. She was 12 years old -killed in a traffic accident. I still have "unexpected tears." Recently Joe and I have been giving some workshops entitled "Grief and Hope." I give the clinical stuff on grief using Kubler-Ross material on the process of grief--Shock--Denial--Anger---Bargaining--Depression (I call it sadness)---Acceptance. I use examples from my grief process with Merry Pat's death. Joe gives the Hope stuff based in faith in the promises of God---God promises to be with us no matter what!

"the secret of who you are..."One of the things that "catches" me is my "unexpected tears." 39 years and the sadness remains. Long ago I realized this is my "new normal" but sometimes the memories are as painful as if it was yesterday.

And then a dear friend who we will spend tomorrow with (it is Father's Day) sent a note---"I know it is a difficult time for you but know you will be surrounded by people who love and care for you."

Another note from a friend  who held us in the immediate time following Merry Pat's death---"You will be remembered at Mass tomorrow."

"God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from..."

What more can I want? To be surrounded by people who remember and who hold me now.

"...and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next." Listen.

Dear God, Help us be with those who are grieving, those who are struggling....a word to them of our love...of your Promise.

Blessings--Penny

Surprise!

This is our second summer in Las Vegas. We got through the heat of last summer without too much discomfort....as I remember it. But was that heat like childbirth and the memory of the pain fades? We exercised early, ate salad lunches, went to a lot of movies and stayed in side during the hottest of days.

This June seems a bit different! I planted annuals in my front patio in March--- delighting in the early color. May was quite cool (relatively speaking)and even had a couple of showers. And now it's June--not even the first day of summer yet and  I need to replant my annuals (they have wilted)and the 10 day forecast says over 100 every single day. Living in the desert. Our choice.

Just when I'm feeling like whining a delightful surprise appears. A mother grouse and her 10 little little babies appear under our bird feeder. Mama grouse hovers and runs frantically around her babies.  The babies are no bigger than the decorative rocks they are walking on. A pigeon gets a little too close and mama charges at him while babies race to the cover of the nearest bush. How do they survive in this heat? Where do they get their water? How do they know where to hide?

Do you sometimes whine at the consequences of the choices you have made? Seems like a natural thing to do. Take time to notice the delightful surprises in each day. Treasure them.

Thank you, Dear God, for the natural surprises---the early spring colors I enjoyed, the warmth of the sun ( a little dial back would be ok) and mamma grouse and babies.

Blessings-Penny

laughable?

A family member was visiting this week. Her adult daughter remains in active addicted substance abuse--alcohol, marijuana, meth (shooting up.) Our relative is raising this daughter's son and has been most of his young life.

We were discussing favorite television shows and I mentioned one of our favorites is the comedy "Mom." In "Mom" the older "Mom" (maybe in her mid-50's) and the younger "Mom" (maybe in her early-30's) were both substance abusers but are now "mostly"in recovery. The show focuses on their relationship with each, other children, jobs etc. Another strong focus is on their individual recoveries, their attendance at recovery meetings (well done),  recovering friends, their strong triggers and sometimes their relapse. The show seems accurate and funny. It does not laugh at the consequences but the characters are able to laugh at themselves and some of their past struggles.

When I recommended it to our relative she honestly said, "I just can't laugh at jokes about substance abuse...I don't find any part of it funny...Maybe it would be healthier if I could." Her comments are a very accurate representation of addiction. When we find ourselves or someone we love in the middle of addiction,  there is absolutely nothing funny about it. But, as she said, it is healthier when we can begin to laugh--not about the consequences of our behavior--but laugh at ourselves. That's one of the healthiest thing about self help groups--lots of laughter...a real sign of recovery.

Are you laughing? Is it a sign of your recovery?

My prayer for all of us is peace and laughter.
Blessings-Penny

seven fans

Have you ever had the terrible sensation of walking on your dining room carpet and feeling it go squish  with water easing up on both sides of your feet?! I hope not! But that was the awful sensation I had yesterday morning. To make a very long story short(er) the problem was a broken valve on the water source for the ice maker behind the refrigerator. After visits by our handyman with multiple breaks into the wallboard looking for the leak, a "restoration" company which found the leak and identified water soaked carpets in the living room (under the piano) and dining room, and a plumber who repaired it, we now have seven fans running on full. A really bizarre component of this is apparently our insurance is inadequate to cover the expense involved. The insurance adjuster comes this morning so we shall see but yesterday's phone conversations were not hopeful.

Needless to say yesterday was full of tension and anxiety. I think I slept about 3 hours last night.

And in all of this I have another image. On Monday I was waiting for a friend in the main entry lobby of a rather large medical professional building. People were in and out with lots of limps, casts, bumps, bruises, coughs etc. But the image that has stayed with me is of a father carrying a child, holding him tenderly against his chest.. The child was maybe 2 years old, very, thin frail and his color was blueish. The father appeared to have been crying. Their story appeared to be heartbreaking. The sign on the office directory said Children's Heart Clinic-Suite 400.

So if I have wet carpets and some financial concerns I better take another hard look . My prayers need to be for that father and child and whatever their family situation might be.

Dear God, please let them know you are with them and you hold them in your loving arms.
Please let us all know that promise.

Blessings-Penny

thankful

Another day-more reminders
Neighbors came to watch the sunset last evening. They are an older couple---well, older than we are. They married only a few years ago with dreams to spend their retirement years together traveling, singing in a local chorus and enjoying their mutual interests. She had a stroke---months in rehab. Plans changed. No more travel, limited mobility, memory loss. One can sense the tension and frustration between them.

A younger couple with new grandchildren and the dreams of babysitting, outings, games and play. Dreams changed. She was diagnosed with acute lymphoma last year, months and months of chemo, and now the planning for bone marrow transplant. She doesn't complain but one senses there is pain and sadness for her and those who love her.

And a young professional couple. She recently obtained her PhD; he finally found his dream job with an aerospace company; and a 2 year old boy. He passed out at work--brain tumor. Brain surgery, months of week long chemo and radiation 2 hours away from home. They do what they have to do but the emotional toll is devastating for all.

Those of us with the usual aches and pains caused by exercise, aging or whatever need to take a few minutes. We have heard it a million times but we need to stop and look at how quickly life can change---and change drastically. One day all seems fine-the next day we are fighting for our lives. None of the people I've mentioned had any idea of their health problems. All lived good, upstanding, productive lives---took care of themselves, ate well, exercised, got decent sleep. All the things we are told to do. But life changed.

 There's much talk about "mindfulness" these days---stop for 2-3 minutes several times a day and breathe---place your hand on your chest and stomach---breathe. Pay attention to your surroundings.

All good advice AND in that 2-3 minutes do I thank God for the blessings I have?---the blessings in health, family, nature. Am I aware that God promises to be with me in whatever life brings? Do I believe that? Do I stop to sense His Presence? Am I "mindful" of Him in my daily life?

Blessings-Penny

regrets

In the monthly Grief Group we facilitate there was an active discussion of the regrets we all have connected with our grief. Much of the discussion focused on things we wish we had said, things we wished we hadn't said, time we wish we had spent. One young mother wished she had paid attention to her daughter's symptoms earlier. An older gentlemen lamented so many missed opportunities to share feelings with his siblings as their parents died.  A middle aged woman said about her mother's death,"She could be very difficult.I should have been more patient. I didn't know she was going to die so soon."

People in recovery have regrets too. Things we wish we had said, things we wish we hadn't said, time we wish we had spent. Acknowledging those regrets is part of recovery. It is grief work.

And what do we do with all those regrets? We acknowledge them. We share them with someone who is non-judgmental and trustworthy. As in the grief work associated with death, we consider who we were when all this happened. Where did we learn to act the way we did? We take responsibility for our behavior with a gracious understanding of our backgrounds, our feelings, and our imperfections.

And we learn from these regrets. What can we do differently now with those we love? Can we pick up the phone and say I love you? Can we apologize for a cross word? Can we spend time?--play a game?--listen?

Can we place our regrets in our relationship with God? Do we know we are forgiven in His eyes? Do we know if we open the fist that is holding on to  these regrets that God will take our open hand and lead us to peace?

Blessings-Penny

non-jugdmental, trustworthy

My husband shared the following incident. As he was leaving the weekly men's bible study group. one of the members approached him saying, "I see you coming into church at about 10 a.m. each Sunday and I wonder where you are going. I know you're too late for early service and you're too early for late service....I want to go where you're going." (He's going to a study of the scripture readings of that day.)  Then the member asked if he could ask my husband's advice about a personal matter. The member proceeded to share a very personal problem -one with intimate details that one would not want to be public knowledge.

As I considered the whole incident I had a couple of thoughts. Primarily I wondered how this man came to know he could trust my husband so completely. I know my husband---he has strong opinions and he doesn't hold back in sharing those. He tells me about things he has said in this men's bible group and I sometimes wonder how that is received. He is passionate about how we are to live this abundant life Christ has given us; and he makes no bones about what that means to him theologically and in our day to day choices....practically and politically!

And here is a member who has heard this weekly for 6 months. He has come to trust my husband...trusts him to listen, to be non-judgmental, trusts him to keep his confidence, trusts him to give him sound  advice framed in the context of "what is the loving thing to do."

Are there people in your life you can trust that way? How do you know they will be non-judgmental?
Am I a person who others come to with that trust? Are you? How do they know that?
Do I live a life in word and example that reflects my belief in sharing this abundant life?

Blessings-Penny

decisions and mistakes

There are lots of editorials in the papers lately about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars---should we have gone in?---were those wars mistakes?---should we stay out of the conflicts now?---should we be doing more? The only editorial that really made any sense was the question--"what have we learned since and how should that influence our decisions now?"

Since I know absolutely nothing about wars, I can only use that editorial suggestion for my own life. I have certainly made many mistakes in my life. I look back and think of the roads I chose. Some were great adventures and some were really mistakes. Have I learned from those mistakes?

I think these days I do a great deal more reflection on decisions ---past and present. But in the heat of stress with pressure and anxiety running high, I'm not certain I always do a good job of learning from my mistakes. It really is true we are destined to repeat our mistakes if we don't learn from them.

I'm reading a book, "Life After Life" by Kate Atkinson, in which the character has opportunities to make different decisions in her life and how that would have changed her life and maybe even history. My decisions wouldn't change history but they certainly would have changed my life.

How do I learn from those decisions now? How do they influence my current decisions?

Bottom line---new awareness-new perspective----what influences my decisions now?---what have I learned?-----

Answer---Are my decisions framed in my relationship with God? Are they the loving thing to do?

Are yours?

Blessings-Penny

criticism

What do you do when it feels like someone is hypercritical of you? A friend's mother has recently moved in with her. My friend, Carol, feels like her mother criticizes things she never even gave much thought to...the way she parks and drives, the amount of money she chooses to give to her children, the way she cooks. Carol says she knows her mother is having difficulty adjusting to her new living circumstances but it leads to sharp words and heated exchanges. In fact Carol mentioned this because she feels the tension and anxiety are setting her up for relapse---after 3 years of recovery.

When Carol has attempted to talk with her mother about this, her mother says she is "thin-skinned" which causes Carol even more anger. Her mother counters that she is just giving her opinion. "Can't I even have an opinion?"

What do you do if someone is critical and judgmental? Does it put your recovery or even just your good mood at risk?

I suggested that at a time when things are calm, Carol ask her mother what she would like her to do differently in those situations that spark criticism. Though Carol does not seem to think she is doing anything wrong, it might be helpful to hear what suggestions her mother has. Carol then has the choice to make adjustments or not. At least her mother might feel heard. Carol might also anticipate some situations that spark the criticism (in a loving tone!---my tone and sarcasm can escalate things in a hurry!)---"How would you suggest I cook this? What meals would you like to cook for us?...I'll look for the closest parking place so you don't have to walk so far?...Which store should we park closest to?"

It all takes time and energy to think through these situations...to include someone else in decisions. Sometimes we are so used to doing things ourselves, it just seems easier. This happens also with our kids as they grow up. Including them in decisions can head off a tremendous amount of resistance. Most of us just want to be heard! We want some control of our lives.

And then we take time to pray. We ask God for patience and love. We breathe. We place these relationships with mothers, kids, husbands. co-workers in our relationship with God.
We pray to remind ourselves that all good things come from God. He knows what we need before we even ask. We pray to remind ourselves that He is in this with us. He guides us. Situations change when we take time to pray.That is why we pray. To remind ourselves---not Him! He already knows!

Blessings-Penny

serendipity

As I have said, this decision to adopt this 14 year old dog, George, is one I am questioning. However, I must admit there have been two splendid moments I would have missed if I had not been outside with him.

One is not just one moment but an every evening "moment." When I take George out the back door  for his final outing, he insists on walking across to the golf course. In that lovely open space the stars are unbelievably clear. We live west of the city and the ambient light does not significantly interfere with the stars. The trees and streetlights interfere out the front door but with taking the extra steps in back onto the fairway I have an incredible view of the expanse of sky. Venus is like the landing lights on an airplane. Other groups of stars twinkle brightly. Without George I might not have ventured out that far onto the golf course at night.

The other was truly a "one time" moment. Yesterday George and I were again out back where we have a lovely view of these desert mountains. There had been thunderstorms in and out all morning and we were out between the raindrops. Suddenly above the mountains was a beautiful rainbow! Yes, here in Las Vegas in May---a rainbow! First it covered about half the left sky ; then it completed the full arc; and then as the storm clouds moved the right arc was the last part visible.

Thank you, George.

And, mostly, thank you, God, for the wonders of your created world. Thank you for the rainbow sign of your covenant with your ancient people. And more especially thank you for your new covenant in communion and in your promises to be with us always.

Blessings-Penny

identity

I recently saw a quote by a celebrity that said, "My identity changed when I got sober." I think that is true on many levels. ,,almost all of it for the good. When we move into recovery our identity changes for ourselves and for those around us. We become more reliable, less anxious. In the "old" 30 day treatment programs, we saw people progressively change over a month...smile more, stand up straighter, conversations changed, show concern for others...real personal change.

I do have concern with the self help introduction of "I'm ......and I'm an alcoholic." You are so much more than that. "I'm a recovering alcoholic...I'm sober..I'm in recovery" all honor the recovery process...and that is what is to be honored in your identity.

If you are a diabetic or have heart disease, at a support meeting  you don't introduce yourself as "I'm...and I';m a diabetic" or "I'm ... and I'm a heart disease." You say, "I'm ...and I've been managing this disease for ...months or years." My young friend doesn't say, "I'm and I'm a bulemic." She says. "I'm ...and I haven't binged or cut in ....days"

Honor the recovery! Don't identify yourself by your disease. Identify yourself to yourself and others by your recovery.

And thank God for being with you in all this. A line from the sermon last Sunday, "I am the one Jesus loves." What an identity!!!

Blessings-Penny

loving message

I have decided that Mother's Day and most holidays need to be celebrated all year or at least within "the octave of." Sometimes there is an encounter that says more than any Hallmark card.

My daughter-in-law (I really dislike that 'in-law' part---I much prefer the cultural tradition that doesn't use 'in-law'--she is my daughter) and I were talking the day before Mother's Day. I was bemoaning my decision to foster/adopt this 14 yr old cocker spaniel. She generously listened and then said, "You,ll figure it out and you'll make it work. If I've learned one thing from you, it's that you make things work...no matter the situation."

What an affirming response! Here I was spending a fair amount of time wondering what was wrong with me that I had made this crazy decision and yet someone I love sees an indication of a strength...maybe not in the decision itself but in my ability to handle it.

Isn't this what each of us needs in the grit and grind of daily life...someone to affirm that we will make it work...no matter the situation? And the really lovely part is that she feels she "learns" that from me. Of course she sees it in others too-people with courage and endurance--- but I am touched she sees it in me---and is willing to tell me. Thank you, lovely lady.

Do you give that affirming message to people you love?---"You'll figure it out and you'll make it work." That is the message of a loving parent.
Is that a message God gives to you---"You'll figure it out and you'll make it work."

Blessings-Penny

Happy Mother's Day

My best wishes to each and every mother. The deep deep love we feel for our children, the amount of time, energy, strength, endurance that never ends in that lifelong connection is truly a gift and blessing from God. They are never out of our thoughts and prayers...no matter their age...no matter the differences...no matter the pain.  Who else could come up with that emotion?

And in that love we have for our children, we know God's love for us.

Blessings-Penny

"Let go of the little things"

"Let go of the little things" was part of the advice I shared last post. It turns out to be one of the things I'm having most difficulty with this week.

As I mentioned we are fostering/adopting a 14 year old dog. His owner of 14 years is in the military and deployed to Korea. The dog is deaf, almost blind and has some serious digestive issues. We knew about the deafness. He seems to do ok with the vision problems though he bumps into walls and chairs, But the digestive issues are a real problem. I'll spare the details but he has to go outside every 2-3 hours in the daytime and he prefers the grass where there is no fence rather than the enclosed courtyard.

Anyway.....this is clearly not the wisest decision I have made. How do I "let go" of the consequences?
Well, I tell myself  adopting this dog was a "nice" thing to do---he won't wind up in one of those tragic commercials about abused and abandoned dogs. I tell myself he really is sweet--wags his tale to greet us, does a little dance to be fed, is adjusting pretty nicely given his age.

But it really was a decision with some nuisance consequences. Nuisance consequences can be really irritating. They can ruin a whole day---get under my skin, affect my mood.

So I need to be aware of what it is that is affecting my mood. I need to remind myself, it was essentially my decision---and it is only a nuisance...not the end of the world.

And I need to pray to remember to "let go of the little things" so I don't miss an otherwise lovely day.

Is there something you need to "let go of" so you can fully enjoy today? Pray for a little help with that.
Blessings-Penny

an adventurous life? a spiritually adventurous life?

Sunday's paper had a short article about the "adventurous life" of a retired television reporter/writer/journalist named Tom Brokaw. Few of us have the opportunities for travel, interviews, or financial success that Tom has had. He attributes much of his success to luck but the reality is he has made much of his own luck.

A side bar article gave some tips for living an adventurous life and I wondered how useful those tips might be for leading a spiritually adventurous life--one that is interesting, fulfilling, and feels successful.

1. Pay attention-look around --be curious--be flexible--have courage. If we pay attention to the world around us, if we step away from the computer, if we have the courage to name our POWER from God, will we be spiritually adventurous?

2. Open our calendar--if we don't over schedule---if we take time to walk, to meditate, to pray, will we see more opportunities to be involved with others, to live the life God wants us to live?

3.Take risks-try new things--If we try new things (new groups, new volunteer opportunities, new books, an art class, will we have more success--will we feel more adventurous?

4. Let things go---Forget bad experiences--especially the little ones--hanging on to regrets weighs us down. If we hang onto regret over an opportunity missed, we miss the next one.

"Love one another" can be the opportunity for a spiritually adventurous life. Is that the way you hear it--a commandment or an opportunity? Is your spiritual life luck or purposeful? How?

Blessings-Penny

the glory of God

We took a day trip to the west side of the Grand Canyon a few days ago. It's the place where the Hualapai Indian tribe has built the Skywalk out over the canyon. Wow!The enormity of the breadth and depth of the canyon fills me with wonder. The millions of years and the amount of power it took to form that canyon. The fields of red flowers brilliant from the rain of last week---brief but powerful.

This morning an early walk with the new dog we are fostering--(but that's another story). The wonder again of the birds singing and singing and singing. How did robins and finches get to the desert? The blue blue sky,

And the most important creation---US! "The glory of God is in man fully alive."
Are you fully alive? What would that mean in your life? Today?

Blessings-Penny

anger--again

The emotion of anger keeps appearing at so many places in my day. Last night Joe gave a workshop entitled "Spirituality,Addiction and the Lost Son." Addiction was defined as anything that interferes with you being the person God wants you to be. Recovery was defined as "homecoming." Included in the "addictions" were not only drugs and alcohol but behaviors that are destructive to self and others.

At the close of the workshop one participant talked about her ongoing interactions with her teenage son. She said she enters each conversation from a perspective of her anger. She even talked about pulling into her driveway after work and feeling the anger build as she anticipates their evening together. She talked about this anger as an "addiction" or an "attachment" to a destructive behavior---a behavior that makes her turn her back on God. What an insight!

Then today while out on errands we were passed by cars on either side of us racing and yelling at each other. At the stop sign they almost sideswiped us. They stopped and one driver got out of his car screaming and raising his fist, The other pulled away across the street and was chased in hot pursuit. Road rage.

And then there are the pictures of Baltimore. People angry at injustice. Anger spilling into the streets destroying businesses and other people's lives. Sad, sad, sad.

Today, dear God. help me feel your peace, your Presence. Let me notice when I am irritated-let your grace lead me to peace-not escalated anger.

Blessings-Penny

Stumblers

Another recent David Brooks editorial really touched me. He entitled it, "a moral bucket list for a rich inner life." It was in our paper on Sunday April 19. If you can find the entire piece I really encourage you to read it. If not here are a few quotes I loved.

"About once a month I run across a person who radiates an inner life...They seem deeply good. They listen well...their laugh is musical...their manner is infused with gratitude...they are not thinking about the wonderful work they are doing.They are not thinking about themselves at all."

"It occurred to me there are 2 kinds of virtues...the resume virtues and the eulogy virtues...the resume virtues are the ones you bring to the marketplace...the eulogy virtues are the ones talked about at your funeral...whether you were kind, brave, honest, or faithful. Were you capable of deep love?"

Brooks talks about the time we strip away all the status symbols and "crash through the barriers of our fears."

And then he calls some of us "stumblers." "The stumbler scuffs through life, a little off balance. But the stumbler faces her imperfect nature with unvarnished honesty, with the opposite of squeamishness. ...the stumbler has an outstretched arm, ready to receive and offer assistance. ...Stumblers occasionally experience moments of joy. Her friends are there for deep conversation, comfort and advice."

"The stumbler doesn't build her life by being better than others, but by being better than she used to be."

Amen! Dear God, please be with me as I work to be better than I used to be.
Blessings---Penny

Voices in my head

In both of my books, Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God and Filling the God-shaped Void,I talk about the fact that all of us have voices in our heads. The voices often are messages we received from important people in our past--people who meant some thing to us. Those voices can give messages that affirm us but often they can be voices and messages that are destructive...messages that destroy our self confidence, even destroy our beliefs. Often the voices are from ourself...voices and memories and things we wish we had said...things we wish we hadn't said. Moving into recovery it is helpful to identify those voices and those messages. Which ones trigger guilt or shame? Which ones move me to try new spiritual ways of being? Which ones should I allow to stay? Which ones should I minimize and disregard?

Recently I read a paragraph quote from an author named Saul Bellow. In honesty though I know his name, I have not read his books. But this paragraph so beautifully describes those voices, I want to share it with you.

"All the while you thought you were going around idle, terribly hard work was taking place. Hard, hard work, excavation and digging, pushing, moving rock, working, working, working, working, working, panting, hauling, hoisting.And none of this work is seen from outside. It's internally done. It happens because you are powerless and unable to get anywhere, to gain justice or have requital, and therefore in yourself you labor, you wage combat, settle scores, remember insults, fight, reply, deny, blab, denounce, triumph, outwit, overcome, vindicate, cry, persist, absolve, die and rise again. All by yourself! Where is everybody? Inside your breast and skin, the entire cast."

How do we sort through this? We are not powerless. We go to a quiet place. We listen for peace. We pray for God to be with us as we quiet our souls. We listen for His Presence.

Peace.
Penny

The winner

The winner of the Masters' Golf Tournament last Sunday was a young 21 year old man named Jordan. He looks like a nice young man, serious and focused. His parents were shown on tv as he came into the 18th hole and they looked serious and focused also and with some big smiles. When Jordan completed the 18th there were more big smiles, hugs for everyone. Friends, grandparents, and girlfriend had a mixture of laughter and tears of joy. One would have thought (I thought) "What a lovely, perfect, happy family with not a care in the world...lots of money...lots of success."

Of course I should have known. No one, not one of us has a "perfect" family or a perfect life. Jordan has a 14 year old sister who is neurologically challenged. This family has sadness and loss and pain like all the rest of us.

Some of us have choices about our challenges. We can make changes, make different decisions, ask for  help, and our lives will be better. We are the fortunate ones.

We can pray. We can know Christ is in the room with us as we pray. The answers to our prayers might not be easy but we must quiet our selves and listen.

What are your challenges today? Do you have choices? Quiet yourself, talk with God, feel His presence. Listen.

Blessings-Penny

"I don't want this in my life"

A young friend I have mentioned before continues to struggle with her eating disorder.  Some of her body systems are being affected and her family grows increasingly frightened for her. When she was confronted with these lab results recently her tearful response was, "I don't want this in my life. I didn't choose this!"

How many times didn't we think this or cry out to ourselves, "I don't want this in my life!" It is a stark reminder of the compulsive quality of all of our addictions. None of us at age 7 or 10 said, "When I grow up I want to be addicted."

Then Sunday in church came three new lost souls looking for help. (We are all lost souls looking for help!) One seemed to need money. One was intoxicated or high and when invited into the service was engaged and praised God. He only stayed for a while. And the third acknowledged she had been discharged from a mental hospital 3 days before.

I was reminded that none of these people "wanted this in their lives." The congregation welcomed these souls, asked what they needed and tried to meet those needs. Christ would have welcomed them.

I have continued to think about and pray for all these people...about the compulsive component of their illnesses, the emotional distress, the desperation, the spiritual void they each feel.

"There is a God-shaped void in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing--only by God the creator made known through Jesus Christ.

"The glory of God is man fully alive."

Dear God, give each of us moments of your grace to know You fill that void---nothing or no one else.
Help us feel fully alive.

Blessings-Penny