phone calls

Two phone calls came early yesterday morning. One was very good news. A young male family member had achieved an incredible goal towards entering an elite unit of the military. The elimination process has been physically beyond belief. He now enters the final three months of training from which he could still be eliminated. Though I am a believer in diplomacy before fighting, I am so pleased for him---for the confidence he is gaining--- for the learning that with focus and comittment he can accomplish more than he dared dream.

The second phone call, however, was alarming. Another family member, a young woman, has been readmitted to an inpatient facility for her eating disorder and suicidal thoughts.. Her vital signs were frighteningly low. I fear this struggle will be life long. Her family suffers. She suffers.

Two phone calls. My husband used a baseball analogy. One was a fast ball that our young man hit out of the park. The other was a series of pitches that sank so fast, she couldn't hit them no matter what.

Then our morning meditation said this, "This one comforting thought constantly recurs: the faithfulness of God, enfolding us and drawing us near to him, never ends. There is not a moment...when that faithfulness can be interrupted." I am reminded it is the faithfulness of God that keeps me enfolded in his arms---not anything I do---it is his faithfulness. I pray, somehow, my family feels this. You, also.

Blessings-Penny

Secrets, Confidentiality and "the bind"

I am once again reminded of how very important confidentiality is. A close relative recently shared some thoughts on her feelings and concerns about another close family member. She is concerned that this family may "fall apart" because of the stress and tension. The family is not dealing with the stress in a healthy manner. Though the family under stress has shared some of the issues with me, the "new information" has not been shared with me directly.

In some ways this is a real bind for me. On one hand I'd like to let the family know I am concerned about these particular issues and offer my support. Secrets are a big part of the communication dynamics of this whole extended family. On the other hand it is certainly their right to maintain their privacy about these concerns.

And ultimately I would not betray the confidence of the family member who shared her concerns. Though she did not swear me to secrecy, I am certain she told me this in confidence.

In my years as a therapist I am aware of how destructive sharing something told in confidence can be. It can feel like a betrayal. Years of "not talking" can result and whole family "cut offs" can occur.

This week was simply a reminder. I pray I will always remember to honor the "story" and remember it is not mine to tell.

Blessings-Penny

Family

There was another family gathering last weekend---the other side of the family. Having watched this family grow over many years, it is amazing the stories that lie within--- the children born and died, the marriages and divorces, the health and illness, the careers succeeded and failed. It is every family's story. There are some real heroes in this family---parents of a child born with incredibly devastating birth defects who is now 16 years old and entering high school; the military men whose total service is over 80 years, the wives and children who have supported them, the teachers, the nurses, the ministers.

There is one uncle I worry about particularly. He is now a "senior" though he hates to admit it. He has always been a bachelor and is now very alone. His health is good but he has no one to depend on. He has lived in Hawaii for many years--owned his own business which consumed his days and nights. And now there is no  one. When I suggested he get a medical alert bracelet in case he becomes ill or has a fall, his response was, "I have no one to put on a back up call list." He is so very aware of his aloneness. No one should ever be that alone.

How about your family? Are you wonderfully aware of their successes and failures? Do you step back and enjoy the blessings? Is there someone you are concerned about?

What can you do?

Blessings-Penny

hot desert winds

About 10 months ago we moved to Las Vegas---the desert. I had watched the temperatures here for several years and knew it got hot in the summer. I just didn't quite understand what over 100 degrees all summer means. Wow! At first in June the warm sun felt good. In fact I got a nice tan from my morning walks.

Then July arrived. I think it has been over 100---sometimes up to 110--for most of July. Of course it's mostly a "dry" heat, as the locals say, but 110 is still 110. I now swim rather than walk. Last night, after dark, I sat on our deck for a few minutes. There was a breeze and it was the first time I have felt a real night time, hot desert breeze. It was like I was engulfed by a hair dryer on low heat. So I've decided I need an "attitude adjustment." I need to look at this new experience of desert heat and hot desert winds as a part of our life adventure. After all that's what my husband and I seek in all this moving around---new experiences, new adventures. We had Chicago and the cold, snowy winds off Lake Michigan. We had Montana and the blizzards.We had the winters of Vermont with temps often below zero. Now this!!

Do you have a new experience, a new adventure that is a bit more than anticipated? Is recovery an adventure than is a bit more than anticipated? Can we thank God for all new experiences and pray we learn how we are to be within this life He offers?

Blessings-Penny

welcome

We called two relatives this week to see if we could visit them in a couple of months. The visit will take us half way across the country so seeing both families is very important. The call to the first family was greeted with, "Let me see if we are free that weekend. I know I have a couple of things that month."Further conversation indicated our relative was very pleased we are coming and they would get right back with us...which they did and they are free to have us visit.
The conversation with the other relative was different. "Oh that's great. We love spending time with you. Of course we will make it work." This relative and family are equally as busy as family number one.

Guess where we feel more welcome? It really is amazing how a slight difference in word and tone can make such a difference.

It makes me think again of the parable of the prodigal son. After years of squandering his father's money and living a life of debauchery, the prodigal son decides (with some fear and trepidation) to return to his father's house. As he comes down the road, the father is looking for him and greets him with enthusiasm, love and welcoming. In fact the father throws a party for him.

Isn't that the way we hope we are greeted when we "return to the Father's house?" Do we believe it?

Have you made someone feel welcomed and loved by your words and tone today? That is how we live out our faith.

Blessings-Penny

"hardest thing I've ever done"

My grandson has entered an  extremely tough component of military training---one of those "special forces' types of units. He is still in the pre-qualification part. His dad reports that he says, "it's the hardest thing" he's ever done. I certainly believe it. The physical extremes to which they are pushed sound like torture.

It got me wondering, what's the "hardest thing" I've ever done? Physically---I can't say I've ever "tortured" myself. I used to jog 3 miles a day. Now I walk. Mentally---the doctoral program at Rush University was the "hardest" thing I've done mentally. Emotionally---acknowledging I am an alcoholic was the "hardest." Spiritually---accepting the death of my daughter and continuing to believe and grow in my faith remains "hard" at times.

My son tells his son that he needs to continue the training. If his body gives out that is one thing, but he doesn't want to give up and in 5 years regret that he didn't push a bit harder.

Good advice. Are there "hard" things we have given up on that if we had pushed a bit harder we would now look at as success? Does it change how we confront "hard" things? What about our recovery? Do we give up when it gets hard? Can we push a bit harder and get through the tough times?

Do we know God is with us through the successes and the times we don't push so hard? Do we feel that Presence?

Blessings-Penny

marinated cucumbers

This time of late spring to early summer is always bitter sweet for me. My 12 year old daughter was killed in a traffic accident on June 22 many years ago. The memories never go away and sometimes they are so acute, they make me catch my breath.

My husband and I are always watching our diets in hopes a losing a few pounds. We rarely are successful in meeting our diet goals but we keep trying. A few days ago, I decided to make us a snack of sliced cucumbers drizzled with Italian salad dressing. It was a snack I often prepared for my daughter who at 12 years old was trying to manage her pre-teen slight weight gain. As I prepared this snack for us a few days ago I was taken back to the kitchen in Montgomery, Alabama where I would slice the cucumbers and fix the dressing, while waiting for my daughter to return from school. I could almost feel myself there again but this time with such a sense of loss, I felt tears come to my eyes.

The death of a loved one changes one's life forever. Friends and family offered comfort and love at the time of her death and  friends and family let me know they too, even now, remember her and the time of her death. It is an incredible support and comfort to know I am not alone is this. It is a shared grief.

Remember to share the grief if someone you know has an "anniversary" of a death. Never worry that you might be causing them more pain by remembering with them. Trust me---they are remembering. Don't let them grieve alone.

Blessings-Penny