Fear and promise

Lots of discussions of fear with several friends over the last few days---fear for a family member returning from treatment, fear of attending a first recovery meeting, fear of something but not certain what. All of these fears create incredible anxiety.

 How does one move from fear to peace? How does one let go of the fear? To use the last blog, how does one unpack the fear from the backpack we haul around?

We have just celebrated Christmas...Christ coming into our lives. O Come O Come Emanuel> Have we missed Christmas? Have we missed what this means in our lives?

Christ coming into our lives means He is with us. He is with us in our fear. Can we move from the crib of Bethlehem to the cross? That is the Big Picture! Christ coming into our lives means He is with us and He has forgiven us...that is THE promise

Can we place our fears at the foot of the cross? Can we really believe in His promises to be with us? It takes a shift. It takes being "intentional" in our prayer life. It takes frequent daily quick prayers---"Help me here to remember You are with me."

As the New Year begins can we live into the promises of Christ? Can we know at some level that the fear does not disappear instantly but as we live into His promise to be with us, we move into the peace beyond all understanding.

I pray that for you and for me.
Happy Blessed New Year!
Penny

unpack the backpack

Our sermon at church Sunday talked about "unloading our backpack" of things that interfere with our relationship with God. I wondered how to unload the sadness I feel at this time of year when it is the birthdate of my daughter who died at age 12. After some prayer, some meditation, some consolation from friends and family, what I have come to realize is that I can work on "unpacking" the gloom. The gloom is what interferes with my relationship with God, my feeling of comfort at this wonderful mystery of His birth, of focus on what His birth means in my salvation.

And to my great surprise and pleasure, this "unpacking" of my gloom has made a real difference in the last few days. I can still feel some sadness but I don't feel surrounded by the gloom. How have I unpacked it? I have prayed for the Spirit to help me place this gloom at the foot of the cross. I actually picture the gloom there at the foot of the cross.

I pray that if there is something in your backpack that interferes with your relationship with Christ, you, too, can place it at the foot of the cross. Christ's birth is the beginning of the miracle of His promises. It begins now!

Can you begin to live into those miracles?  Ocome Ocome Emmanuel. Christ with us.

Blessings-Penny

compulsion

I've been told it is more difficult to be in recovery from an eating disorder than substance abuse. What I  know is that the compulsive nature of the diseases seems similar. Also the lying and the hiding and the shame and the guilt seem similar. A young friend in treatment for her eating problems hides the food she is supposed to eat. Her family dynamics remain is disarray. It's a mess and it will be a challenge for the rest of her life.

My addiction is also a challenge and will be for the rest of my life. But the good news is I can make choices about it. Early in my recovery I read, "If there is something in your life you don't like, you can change it." What a thought!  It's not easy to make the choices to change. I don't do recovery "perfectly" by some people's standards. But the choices I make eliminate the lying, the hiding, the shame and the guilt.

I place my recovery in my relationship with God. If I would move back into the addiction, into its compulsion,  I would move away from my relationship with God. The peace that I gain from the choices He helps me make is worth more than any fancy drink or high I might get. No more compulsion. No more lying, hiding, shame, or guilt. No more family disarray.

But I am challenged at times. I pray. I make recovery a part of my daily prayer life. I ask God to be with me.

If you are challenged today, pray. Know that small steps, small choices are all part of your recovery. Know God is with you. Know He is there in the darkness.

Blessings-Penny

another gift

I caught a rerun of the tv comedy "Frasier" yesterday. Frasier was at a wake and though there were great laugh lines, the sentence that touched me was when he was talking with the widow. He said, "I really don't understand why your husband died...but I have come to understand that we cannot focus on death during our lives....We need to focus on the joys and surprises."

That thought stayed with me all day. The Christmas holidays have a "settled sorrow" for me as December 22 is the date of my late daughter's birth---the daughter who died in a traffic accident at age 12. So though I try to get into the holiday spirit, there is a sadness underneath.

And then this morning my first email was from a woman who had heard me on Relevant Radio. She was asking for advice regarding her daughter. She is concerned about her daughter's drinking. Her email was such a gift. "We focus on the joy and surprises." Someone is searching and they found me! What a joy and surprise!

Are you missing someone this holiday? Is there a sadness? Is there also a joy and surprise you can see?
Can you thank God for that joy?

My email is pnnyhsr2012@gmail.com   I would love to hear from you.

Blessings-Penny

Prepared

On Relevant Radio yesterday morning, we talked about preparing our recovery for the holidays. We talked about having a plan to avoid a SLIP. In recovery terms a slip is drinking or drugging when you are working on maintaining abstinence. I also like thinking of  a SLIP as Sobriety Lost Its Priority. And that is often what happens during the holidays. If we don't have a plan, if we don't make recovery the priority, an offer of a drink or drug catches us off guard.

In addition to the drugs and alcohol any of our challenges can catch us off guard without a plan. During the holidays old memories can move us into a deep sense of sadness and even depression. Family gatherings can trigger old anger and resentments that can lead to broken relationships.

A couple of practical tips I have learned over the years, may be of help.

If drugs and alcohol are the issues think through the risks. Before a party or a family gathering, drink a couple of glasses of water. You won't reach for the beer or wine or champagne out of thirst. Pray. Ask God to remind you He is there with you. Eat a piece of fruit or a sandwich before you go. Pray.  Is there someone who will attend the function also, who knows you are working on sobriety? Ask them to connect with you a couple of times during the party or gathering. Have your sponsor's number on your speed dial. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and call them. Pray.

And there's always the great complete sentence, "No, thank you." (these tips work for over-eating too) "No. I'm not able to attend this year."

And there is the other recovery acronym---HALT. Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.
Without a plan for our emotions, we also can have a recurrence of the old anger that leads to outbursts. We can have a sadness that feels overwhelming. Pray. God promises He is with you in the darkness. Reaching out to someone else is a wonderful plan for dealing with these emotions. Mother Theresa says, "Never think that a small action done to your neighbor is not worth much. It is not how much we do that is pleasing to God, but how much love we put into the doing."

Sean, the radio interviewer also asked, "But what if someone does drink or drug? How do they not become hopeless?" Mother Theresa also says, "Give yourself fully to God, who will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in God's love than in your weakness." If there is a relapse in drinking or drugging or emotions, we remember to trust in God's love---more than our weakness. We pray, we meditate. We ask Him to give us the strength to return to self help meetings, to call  our sponsor, to examine the "plan" and where it didn't work.

A Catholic priest, Martin Coist (I think), said, "It is not the falling that is the worst but rather staying on the ground." We don't have to stay on the ground. Christ is there is pick us up with His hand of forgiveness.

Do you have a plan? Is God part of that plan? Are you taking time in Advent to pray quietly to remember God is with you?

Blessings

Gifts

The newspaper and tv are packed with gift ideas. So much so that I just get turned off to the idea of giving. So much commercialism and consumerism. And then there are editorials and articles about giving of one's time to help in the community or in the family.

We were the recipients of a beautiful gift of time from family members last night. They called and said they'd like to take us to a Christmas light display in an area of the city we are not familiar with. (We are new to this city and driving at night to new places is a bit intimidating-especially after 13 years in very rural America.) So we packed into their large SUV, Mom driving, Grandad in the front passenger seat, Baby Joe, Jeremy (baby's dad) and me in the back seat.  This outing was to show us the lights and to hopefully delight  Baby Joe with this Christmas adventure.

As one might expect, the baby fell asleep in the car seat as we drove to the display. We grown ups- oohed and aaahed-and the baby slept peacefully.

 But the even larger gift was to watch Jeremy as Baby Joe fell asleep.  As Baby Joe's eyes grew heavy, Jeremy softly stroked his cheek and then cradled his head lovingly in his hand. He clearly cherishes this child.

These moments of silence, the gentleness, the expression of love were a true gift of Advent. In Advent we are to be still and watch for Christ's presence in our daily lives.

Where are the quiet signs of Christ's love in your day?

Blessings-Penny

Missing Karen

We went out for dinner last night. I ordered a Cobb salad. When Karen and I had lunch together I often ordered a Cobb salad at our favorite restaurant in Vermont. There was conversation on what the salad included and how good it was---every time. I missed Karen last night. I also missed her when we went to a Cirque de Soleil performance last week. Karen and her husband and Joe and I went to Montreal to see Cirque de Soleil. I miss her frequent emails.

A few nights ago I was out with friends and one friend recounted a funny story about her mother ordering a ukelele at age 82. Her mother, who had some musical talent, wanted to learn to play the ukelele. The friend's mother had died recently and we all laughed warmly at this fond memory.

Two days ago a card arrived in the mail. I thought it was our first Christmas card. But no. It was a card and and obituary from a friend whose brother had died recently. I have known this friend for many years but rarely has the conversation been about her brothers and sisters. Her brother was a priest and the obituary notices were several. I read the stories of his life with real interest and gained a deeper sense of my friend, her family and this gentle man.

As I think about Karen and these family members who have died this year, I am touched by the meaning  each of them  had in the lives of their families and friends. These warm memories honor these dear people. We bring their histories into our present moment.

At Christmas we bring the past into our present moment. We bring Christ's birth into our present. In Advent we prepare for that birth by quiet prayer, by silence.

Do you have some time today for quiet prayer, for silence to think about the meaning of Christ's birth in your life?

Blessings-Penny

thankful

Another family gathering for Thanksgiving dinner. Good food, good conversation, college kids sparking laughter, year old baby providing entertainment, a beautiful blessing thanking God for our gifts and asking Him to give comfort for those in pain.

Later in the evening when they were alone his son quietly said to my husband, "I am thankful you have moved here." A gentle gift that no money could ever buy. No need for Black Friday.

What gift of love have you shared? This is the Season! All Season!
Blessings-Penny

question

We were at a family gathering over the weekend. Ours is an extended family spread  from coast to coast with few opportunities to get together and have close connections. One in-law was asking another about his divorce and re-marriage in a supportive, gentle manner. The conversation was going well in what seemed like an honest and open dialogue. One of the more spiritual and older family members asked, "And have you forgiven her (the former wife)?" Silence. The young man being questioned paused. His response, "I think so."

Rarely do we hear such a direct question, such a hard question. It catches us off guard. In fact we rarely ask ourselves such direct and hard questions. In this season of preparation for Christmas, it is  wonderful to consider such  hard, direct questions.

Have I forgiven someone who hurt me deeply? How do I know that? What does that look like?

Forgiveness is a process. Dear Lord, help me to move into the process---and not take it back too often!

Blessings-Penny

Light

The days are shorter and shorter-darkness comes by 4:45 p.m. here on the eastern side of our time zone. The newspapers are filled with notices of light displays-parks, botanical gardens. Malls talk of thousands of lights to "get us ready for the holidays." Maybe to try to help us forget the days are dark.

Maybe what is happening around us reflects what is happening inside of us.  There is darkness in all of us---darkness related to our struggles and challenges---darkness related to poor decisions and their consequences---darkness related to family relationships---darkness related to our distance from God.  But we are coming to a Festival of Light---the light of Christ's birth into our world---the light of His promises. We have trouble sometimes believing those promises and the light they offer us---the promise He is always with us, no matter how dark it seems.

These evenings when the darkness comes early outside, can you remind yourself that Christ is with you in your spiritual darkness? Can you begin to live into that light?

Blessings-Penny

Karen died

My very close friend and mentor died this week.She "lived with cancer" (her words) for 10 years.The third time it returned and she again started chemo she said, "Well I know this is what is going to get me." But it didn't get her for 10 years. And she considered that a victory.

During her last 10 years Karen wrote and had published about 7-8 books---her years of collecting notes on everything from art to writing to spirituality and on and on. She also cared deeply for people-especially friends and neighbors. When Tropical Storm Irene devastated her neighborhood she spent hours and hours and energy collecting food, clothing and money for those who had lost so much. She had unlimited creativity-she wrote, she sang, she played the piano, she sewed. She spent the last 6 months of her life writing "The Divine Art of Dying" which will be published next spring. Look at her work on amazon---Karen Speerstra.

Karen was exactly my age. We celebrated our birthdays with cake and ice cream and trips. We were hoping for the next big "decade' birthday to be a really big trip. When someone exactly your age dies, it is a time of real reflection. On the day Karen died there was meditation in a book we are reading regarding  New Year's Eve. "For us the turn of the year (or the death of a friend) should be a red light that makes us stop and look and listen, and then ask us where we are going."

Where are you going? Is it  a movement closer to God? How are you getting there? Does it feel like peace?

Blessings-Penny

a sense of play

Last evening we spent several hours with our 14 month old grandson. He is just as perfect as grandsons can be---full of energy, and laughter, and play. He loves to toddle around a corner and then screeches in delight as he returns and finds us clapping and laughing. My mother once commented that one of my sons had a real "sense of play." This is what childhood should be----as sense of discovery and play.

What happens to that sense of play for us as the years pass? We know what happens. Reality sets in. People aren't always clapping and laughing for us.  Our sense of delight moves to a sense of awareness and concern. Maybe our sense of play even moves us into areas of destructiveness. We think drinking or drugging might be fun.

For those of us with addictions a real part of long term  recovery is rediscovering a healthy sense of play. What was fun for you as a child? What got you interested and excited? Is there part of that you can find today? Who might help you find that?

Blessings---Penny

Care and compassion

We have been in the emergency room of two hospitals over the past 10 days. (My husband had a kidney stone plus bad response to a pain med.) In one hospital cubicle is a sign, "Have you shown care and compassion today?" I presume the sign is to remind staff to do just that---show care and compassion. That must be difficult in an emergency room at times.


I wonder if I need to post one of those signs in my kitchen. Have I treated my family with care and compassion today? Have you?

Blessings--Penny

Unapologetic plug

In preparation for my monthly talk on Relevant Radio I reviewed chapters in my meditation book, "Filling the God Shaped Void." I was looking at the references for 'forgiveness' and thumbed through Chapters 46-52---the final weeks of the book. As the meditations move toward the holidays there are a number of thoughts about forgiveness as well as the real significance of Christ's birth in our daily lives.  The meditations reflect on Christmas as an invitation to return home to Christ; what might we act like if we really believed we are forgiven and redeemed; as we prepare for Christmas what acts can be seen as unending prayers; what puts out the spirit of joy in our preparations; do we miss Christmas?

I find this part of "Filling the God Shaped Void" particularly thought provoking and helpful. And I wrote it!!!---with God's help and some wonderful mentors. And I hope you will consider gifting yourself a copy to help you find peace and meaning in this beautiful season. Maybe even a copy or two for friends. amazon.com, your local book store can order, or Liguori.com

Of course I have difficulty plugging my own book. And I do believe these meditations help us focus on our recovery as a gift from God---no matter what we are recovering from.

Blessings-Penny

Forecast

For the past 15 years we have moved rather frequently. In fact 5 times in the past 15 years. A friend says our new addresses are ruining her address book. The places we have been living experience long, dark, hard winters---Illinois, Montana, Vermont, Missouri. By Nov. 1 the mountains of Montana and Vermont disappear under a low cloud cover. In Illinois and Missouri by Jan. 1 the snow gets dirty and the sun rarely appears.

We recently moved to Las Vegas. Now granted it gets hot as the dickens here in the summer. But week after week the forecast in the newspaper amuses me. How many ways can you say sunny?
Today-"Bright sunshine and beautiful" Tonight-"A starlit sky"
Saturday-"Pleasant with sunshine"
Sunday-"Sunny and breezy"
Monday-"Partly sunny, breezy and cooler"
Tuesday-"Bright and sunny"
Wednesday-"Bright and sunny but cool"  (64 degrees)
Thursday-"Sun and clouds"

We have enjoyed every place we have lived. But we do look forward to a sunny winter with swaying palm trees and bright skies.

Thank you, God, for this place and this time in our lives.
What are you thankful for?
Blessings-Penny

Answers to prayers

The mother of the relative who was recently hospitalized says she doesn't pray because God never answers her prayers. My response is, "Well I think He answered my prayers. She got the help she needed. The new psychiatrist was able to give her a 2 hour initial appointment immediately.  The recommended therapist can see her 3 times a week and get her into individual and group therapy. The college let her continue her studies. Those all seem nothing short of miraculous."

Does it sometimes feel God doesn't answer our prayers? Could it be we aren't open to His answer? Could it be His answer is different than the one I am expecting?

Blessings-Penny

"I'm Done"

The young woman family member who was committed over the weekend has been discharged. There is an aftercare plan in place. She says, "I'm done" with that behavior.
How many times those of us who are addicted have said, "I'm done" with that behavior! After the confrontations at work, after the dui, after the family tears, after the mornings of regret. And how difficult is it to stay "done?" The demon of addiction does not say, "Oh, ok. I'll just go away now." The demon of addiction lurks like a tiger in the grass. The demon just waits for us to forget how vicious he is.

The aftercare plan is for therapy 3 times a week for one hour per session. How many hours does that leave for the voices in her head to remind her of the pain that brought her to that place less than one week ago?

How many times do you remind yourself that the demon of addiction is still lurking? What is your plan when the demon says, "Oh go ahead. It wasn't that bad."

Is prayer part of that plan? Do you remind yourself that God is with you? Are you open to His Presence?

Blessings-Penny

crisis

One of our family members had a mental health crisis last week. The crisis was so serious she was committed to a mental health hospital for 72 hours. A commitment of this type is enacted when a health professional (this time an emergency room staff) determined she was a danger to herself.

Her illness is of a compulsive nature and had been a concern for a couple of years but not openly discussed among family members. From my perspective, as a psychiatric mental health nurse of 30 years, it is a prime example of minimization and denial that allows a disease to progress. That is the tragedy of denial. Everybody thinks they are doing the right thing but the disease progresses.

There are several layers to her illness and several layers to the animosity between some family members. So as is typical in any crisis, everybody does more of what is their usual pattern. The mother rushes in to rescue  her daughter from this "terrible" mental institution. The father and father-in-law disagree about the situation. The lawyer uncle threatens legal action and tells another member "it's none of her damn business."

If I was writing a case study, this would be a perfect example of the layers of a disease. And yet as a family member, my gut reaction is one of sadness. Sad for the patient---what a trauma for this young woman. Sad for the mother---what a blow to her self image as a caring, loving, competent mother. Sad for the father who feels helpless and excluded. Sad for the father-in-law who feels invalidated. Sad for the uncle and other family members who feel guilty that they didn't say more, confront more when they identified signs of the illness.

The other side of the situation is that it is an opportunity---an opportunity for the woman to get the help she needs---an opportunity for the family to examine their relationships, their definition of family.  At best I fear it will all get minimized again and the disease will simply go undercover until the next crisis.

Sadly, there is no prayer life within the family members most affected by this. I pray for them to somehow feels God's presence. He promised to be with us in the dark places.

Are you open to God's presence in your dark places?
Blessings-Penny

planting

It's October 8. I was in the local Home Depot here in Las Vegas, NV and there were tomato plants for sale. I asked the cashier and she said this is the second planting season of the year. It's not as good as spring but the plants will yield tomatoes. I asked when the spring planting season begins. The reply--"February!" Having spent the last 10 years in the state of Vermont (except the 16 months in St. Louis), I was amazed. In Vermont in February we were shoveling feet upon feet of snow off the driveway and sidewalks.

I have lived all over the U.S. including Hawaii and I still can't get over a planting season that begins in February.

Isn't this world an amazing place?? Different planting seasons so food can be grown all year.

What amazing thing have you noticed about the world in the last few days?
Have you thanked God for His amazing work? Have you thanked Him for amazing you?

Blessings-Penny

Forgiveness

During the Relevant Radio interview on Tuesday morning, we talked about Anger and Abuse as one of the concepts in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." I spoke about the anger which results from abuse as a major stumbling block to recovery for both women and men. We also talked about families who are challenged by addiction and the label often used about them as "dysfunctional." I try to refrain from using that label because so very often those families are doing the best they can while struggling with this very complicated and devastating disease. But the residual anger from the resulting abuse and denial has long term effects on many of the other recovery issues of self image, ineffective communication, grief, guilt, depression---and on and on and on.

A major point that we did not have time to discuss on Tuesday's show (but I hope we get back to on Nov. 5) is the recovery issue of forgiveness. While it is vital to acknowledge the abuse in our past, it is equally important to move into forgiveness as part of sustaining our recovery. If we remain stuck in the anger, the triggers for relapse remain lurking like a tiger in the grass.

In the book I use Desmond Tutu's model of forgiveness. In that model he talks about acknowledging the abuse and anger, never forgetting the abuse (it must stop with us), walking in the shoes of the abuser, coming to the reality that that was then and this is my life now. If we hang on to the anger, the abuser continues to win. When we move into forgiveness, we get to write the end of the story. We are no longer the victim.

Another vital piece of forgiveness is remembering God's forgiveness of us---for all the sins we have committed. Because God forgives us, we move into forgiveness of others. He "remembers our sins no more." Can we even imagine forgiving others in that way?

Blessings-Penny

1600 miles later

We made it. A few glitches but we are here in Las Vegas and safe. All our belongings wouldn't fit on the moving van they sent; the truck broke down in Phoenix, Arizona; we barely made it through Colorado as the terrible storms pounded the windshield. But when we look at the pictures of the devastation in Colorado; when we look at the tragedies at the Washington Navy Yard and the mall in Kenya, we realize how very, very small our  personal inconveniences are. How very, very small!

It is wonderful for us that the move feels right. Already dinners and time with children and grandchildren. Our local teenage grandson has been here to help unpack and the baby is soon to take his first steps. The house is setting up nicely and the view of the lake and ducks is better than expected. But really, how very very small!

As we drove through some major cities (like Kansas City and Denver) I was amazed at the millions of cars and people on their way to their very important appointments. But really how very, very small!

I guess a major change in our daily routine , like this move, has the wonderful consequence of shaking up our perspectives and horizons.

I pray that as the daily inconveniences appear, as the move loses some of its excitement, I will remember the thousands of miles, the millions of people, the tragedies encountered by so many and remember how very, very small I am.

I pray I remember that even though I am so very, very small, God loves me as his daughter. I pray you remember that this day also. Wow!
Blessings-Penny

Blessings

roaming

I just had to reset my cell phone for the closest tower reception. That is call "roaming" and I like the word because that is what it feels like we are up to.  In fact, I needed to relearn how to "roam" because we are moving---again!! Yep! We are off for the next part of our adventure. As of Monday, Sept. 9, we are moving to Las Vegas, Nevada---otherwise known as "sin city." I certainly hope that is not the case for us.

The decision to do this move has been in the works for about 8 months. The ultimate reason is to be nearer a couple of our children. One adult son and family live in Las Vegas and another is about a 4 hour drive from there in Southern California. A number of  family members and friends have responded with "You are doing what??? Going where??" We know many people do not understand our willingness to move, to explore, to revise decisions. For us the upbeat side is we enjoy new places and people. We see it as being flexible and open...roaming. The downbeat side is many people see us nuts-absolutely nuts. So be it.

So we've packed the boxes, changed the addresses, and said goodbyes. We have rented a neat looking house in "Vegas" and look forward to time with children, grandchildren, gorgeous nearby state and national parks---and a sense of security with family nearby.

Tomorrow we disconnect the cable for tv and computer so I won't be blogging until we get hooked up again...probably about 2 weeks.

Please keep us in your prayers as we embark on our 1600 mile drive and we will connect again in about 2 weeks. I pray you remember to check in again at that time. I'd hate to lose you!

Do you have a major decision that people may respond, "You're doing what??? Are you nuts???" Have you thought about all the pros and cons? Have you asked God to be with you in the decision--even when you "roam?" Do you know that He is?

Blessings-Penny

confidence

We attended another college graduation last week. The young woman graduate had just completed her undergraduate degree in microbiology at a very prestigious Midwest university in 3 years. I asked her how she had managed it---how did she have the confidence to undertake the course work and the challenges. She is not a boastful person but said there were a couple of things. One was that she thought there was no way she could afford a fourth year. The college loan debt would have been overwhelming so she felt she had to double up on courses taken each semester. Plus she said, "I know I am smart and I figured I could do it." She does have a very high IQ! When I asked about stress levels, she said she never felt too much stress. She planned her work and studied but never felt she couldn't do it.

When I asked where she thought she acquired that confidence, she said she thought it came over the years. She thought past successes in high school, teachers who mentored her and told her she could accomplish this or that, and the ongoing support of her parents were the foundation of her confidence.

There is nothing new or startling about those insights. We all have read those ideas from many sources. But what about those of us without a "very high IQ" and those of us who do not feel we are particularly bright, or haven't had mentors or parents who support our achievements? How do we achieve success or even just keep going through the stresses and challenges of everyday?

I think we set short term goals. This young woman is unsure of what her next step will be. She doesn't have a major life plan. She bites off her life in manageable, measurable goals. "I'll get through college and then I'll figure out what's next...I'll keep this loan manageable so I don't get overwhelmed and have to take the wrong job."

For those of us in recovery, there is a valuable lesson here. We don't have to envision our recovery as life long. We only have to get through the next day or week or month. Then we can go on from there. That "recovery" can be from any of the challenges we face---addiction, of course, but also from episodes of anger, from running up credit card debt, from eating problems, from promiscuity, from porn, from anything that causes us stress---from anything that keeps us from our relationship with God.

We remember to turn to God for His grace. He is our mentor, our parent. He assures us of His unconditional love and grace. He is there for us--if only we remember. He doesn't care if we don't have a "very high IQ."

What measurable goal can you set today to reduce your stress from the challenges you face? Can you remember that God is right there giving you His love and grace.

Blessings-Penny

Unique connection

Just because children grow up does not distance us from the love, care, concern and fear for our children.

 I have a grandson who just turned 18. During the past year he has been clear he wants to join the Marine Corps. It is a family tradition. He does well in school but is not certain of a career choice. His parents thought they had talked him in to delaying the military choice and to attend a local college for one year. When he attended college orientation last week he texted his dad and said, "I don't want to go." During a family conversation that evening he announced he is joining the Marine Corps. His dad (a Marine Corps officer) is supportive...not thrilled but says he is 18 and can make his own decisions. His mother is very very upset. And unfortunately her "upset" comes out as anger. Sadly, the tension created in this situation is palpable.

Helping our children grow up and take responsibility for their decisions---when we want something else for them---is incredibly difficult. We have the hindsight of all the decisions we made that didn't turn out so well. We want to save them the pain. We want to maintain our control. We think we know best.

Another friend shared an essay her adult son had written about a recent kayaking trip with his family. He had his young son's kayak connected securely by a rope letting him feel some independence, yet pulling him along when the child became tired. "If I paddle harder, I can make it easier for him." That's what we as parents think we can do. If we make the decisions, it will be easier for them. Not always. At some point, we "know" their decision is not the one we would make, but it is their unique decision.

The writer of the kayaking essay continues in reflection at one point--""My family was always there, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, but the connection to the kayak in front of me was mine, and unique."

How do we let them know the connection is always there-and the connection is theirs and can be unique?

About all I know to do is pray. Pray quietly. Pray that God will be with all of us as we venture on this new course. Pray I will say do and do "the loving thing." Pray my grandson will know the rope is never broken.

Blessings-Penny

I did it!

I did! After "thinking out loud" on this blog about the situation of my step grand daughter (Anna)going off to college and her sister(Lexi) being distraught, I emailed my daughter-in-law. (See the previous blog) It seemed to me she should be the one intervening in the situation. I suggested "the loving thing" approach. My daughter in law emailed back a few hours later saying she had the talk with Lexi and she seemed to understand "the loving thing." She also emailed the next day and said they had had a wonderful evening with smiles and laughter.

I am so delighted---delighted Lexi is able to move into "the loving thing"---delighted my daughter in law was able to accept my input---delighted things are more calm for all. Input can be tricky. Is it advice? Is it nagging? Is it criticism? Thinking through the who, what, when, where, how and why is certainly helpful.

Asking the Holy Spirit to be with us as we consider these situations is essential. Is my input  the "loving thing?" Asking for guidance and a sense that the Spirit is with us frames these situations as sacred.
What a difference!

Blessings-Penny

How much should I say?

One of my step-grandaughters is going off to college this week. I live half way across the country and we are not very close. My son and her mother have been married 2 years. Her younger sister seems to be having a very difficult time with the pending separation. Her mother reports that the younger sister feels like it is a death. The sisters have been very close. They have weathered together the divorce of their parents, a tense relationship with their biological father, a significant geographical move during high school to accommodate their mother's marriage to my son, the welcoming of 2 stepbrothers into the family.

My dilemma is how much to say about the younger sister's sadness...and apparently pretty dramatic tears.  There's a part of me that wants to say, "For heaven's sake, Anna got into the college she wanted...it's a major step of growing up...be happy for her." And there's another part that does not want to be dismissive of Lexi's feelings. It is a major loss from her perspective.

I firmly believe the "loving thing"  is for Lexi to say to Anna that she will miss her terribly and that their closeness is a true gift...that she wants to hear all about college. It takes a big heart, lots of courage, and much self sacrifice to choose "the loving thing"---for it to be about Anna's excitement.

Should I say that? Would it be helpful?

It is a choice---for me to have the courage to say it---for Lexi to say it to Anna.! Is there a place today you can choose "the loving thing?"

Blessings-Penny

how we hear things

In a recent conversation I was again struck by how we all hear conversations from our own perspectives. A women friend and her husband  wanted to recount a conversation  they recently had with their oldest daughter. It was a difficult conversation regarding a misunderstanding they had at Christmas time and the wife/mother had taken the risk to confront the daughter. Before she was to recount the conversation with me, she asked the husband what he remembered. She then recounted what she remembered. The recollected  points of the conversation with the daughter were entirely different. Each parent  remembered what was important to them and related to their identity. It was not that they disagreed---it was that each identified the critical parts of the conversation entirely differently. He remembered the decision about what to eat for breakfast on Christmas morning--the daughter wanted less sweet/more protein. He ritually fixed a sweet funnel cake type treat. The mother remembered the decision about attending Christmas Mass. She identifies Christmas Eve Mass as the essential part of Christmas.

I did not point out the differences in their recollections. I am a friend-not their therapist! But I was amused and amazed at how this very caring, connected couple are just as capable of "ineffective communication" as all of us. It is so difficult even in healthy, mature relationships to "hear' the other---to focus on what is important to them.

Can we listen more carefully today? Can we remember the saying that "being heard as an adult is like being held as a child."

Blessings-Penny

"Let Go and Let God"

"Let Go and let God" is a saying frequently uttered by attendees at AA meetings and a slogan often posted on the walls of those meetings. It is a slogan I have heard paraphrased recently by two  people I care deeply about. One is a person who continues to struggle with a number of demons. She has struggled for years and though the demons are less destructive than in her past, they can still cause days of challenge, anxiety and ultimately guilt and pain. Following one recent episode she essentially used the "let go and let God" phrase saying she was just going to do the best she could and leave the rest with God. She said, "I don't mean I'm going to stop doing my part; I'm going to do the best I can; I will make the choices that keep me away from risky situations; but I'm going to turn the rest of it over to God."

The other person is a mother/grandmother who agonizes over her adult son's addiction, the impact it has on him and her grandson, and whether an intervention is even an option.. "I won't ignore the facts but I just have to hand them over to God and pray for a time in the future."

Both women are strongly committed to their relationship with God. Prayer is an important part of their daily lives. Turning their challenges with addiction over to God brings a sense of peace...brings them a sense that they are not in this alone. They each remember God's promise that He is with them.

Is there a challenge you have today that you need to remember to "Let go and Let God" take care of it?...remembering that you have to do your part...a part He will help you name. Does letting go or turning it over give you some peace?

Blessings-Penny

issues of recovery

This morning I again had the honor to be a guest on the "Morning Air" show on Relevant Radio, a station out of Greenbay, Wisconsin. Today the host asked me to discuss the recovery issues identified in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." As we discussed the issues of self image, traditional roles and ineffective communication, the interviewer made the point that these issues can stay with a person for a lifetime. I couldn't agree more. These are issues we begin to identify in early recovery and then work on maybe for the rest of our lives. They are issues that can be so ingrained in who we believe we are and in how we interact with others  that they are very difficult to change.

HOWEVER, I believe that beginning to identify which issues are ones that keep us trapped in fear and anxiety, is absolutely vital to beginning and sustaining recovery. If we begin to identify those issues, we have the opportunity to make changes. If we never acknowledge those are issues that trigger our addictions, we are at high risk for relapse.

The issues of self image, traditional roles, ineffective communication, grief and loss, medical consequences and abuse and anger are discussed in my book "Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God." These are issues not just for recovering women but for all women. And in "Filling the God-Shaped Void" we continue a daily meditation and conversation of how to continue to work on our growth and relationship with God.

Today I am deeply grateful for Relevant Radio in helping me talk with women about recovery.
For what are you deeply grateful today?
Have you thanked God?
Blessings-Penny

Divine Dementia

I was so touched by the comment of Pope Francis during his informal talk with the press the other day. On the subject of forgiveness he said God not only forgives our sins but He also forgets them. It helps to be reminded of the Old Testament scripture that says, "He remembers your sins no more."

I picture myself arriving at the pearly gates with my list of sins-the lies, the relapses, the pain I've caused--and God saying, "I don't remember any of that." That is His promise but I really have difficulty hanging on to that promise. As I heard a woman say, "That's too good to be true."

It is wonderful to have a pope who blesses us with that reminder.

Today remember to thank God that you are forgiven and that "He remembers your sins no more." Does that promise ease your guilt and anxiety?
Blessings--Penny

blessing or curse

Many people who are challenged by addictions struggle and wrestle with the demon for years. Rarely do people move into a quiet recovery on their first try. By the time recovery really takes hold there have been so many times of saying, "Never again, never again, never again." There have been so many times of prayers of desperation, really wondering if God was listening.
But in the long term, when recovery begins to take hold, when you begin to gain that sense of peace, if you are truly honest, you can begin to see the demon as a blessing. After all without the fight with the demon would you really have the relationship with God that comes in long term recovery? Would you really be in prayer and conversation with Him, asking for His continued grace to guide you in the rough patches?

Today stop and remember to thank God for your awareness of His presence by your side. He is the samaritan who will pull you out of the ditch, take you to an inn and pay for your wounds to be healed.

Blessings-Penny

In a split second

The telephone ring awakened me from a sound sleep. The shaking voice of a young friend told me of a serious traffic accident involving her parents in a city near where I now live. She lives about 2000 miles away. She would be flying in to our city tomorrow. Could I be available? Of course I could.

This morning her father is in critical condition and her mother serious but stable. My friend will be meeting her brother from New York City at the airport here and driving to the city where her parents are hospitalized. I am available for backup and hopefully a visit when the crisis is passed.

It is all reminiscent of the death of my daughter in a traffic accident. How life changes in a split second. One minute we are consumed by the little stories and storms of our lives and the next second we are overwhelmed by disaster and tragedy. We proceed with the decision making and the moment to moment sadness not really understanding how profoundly our life has changed. What just happened will change the day to day and the long term trajectory of our lives.

How do we get through all this?-because it will happen in many of our lives. It really is impossible to prepare for the unexpected but there are a couple of things that help. Know who your support system is. Have phone numbers available. Have an emergency fund available.

Have a relationship with God. He hears us even if we haven't connected for a long time but it is so much more reassuring if we are know He is with us-if we are used to being in conversation with Him. And He does promise He is always with us.

Blessings-Penny

tone of voice

At a picnic the other night, a young father of one of the 4 year old boys present, said, "He asks his mommy, 'Why is daddy always mad at me?" I thought that was a very sad comment on the relationship between the child and his father. The father continued, "Well if he would just listen to me...". How sad that this little boy sees his father as always critical.

I was reminded of the discussion in "Filling the God-shaped Void" that focuses on the tone of voice we use. In that discussion we comment that often the tone of voice we use is as important as the words. Words can and do hurt. Tone of voice is a strong indicator of our pleasure or displeasure, no matter what the words say.

From a positive perspective my husband and I were discussing this and he spoke of some powerful words and tones he can remember from way in his past. These were words and tone that shaped how he felt about himself in a positive way...words and tone that were rare in his childhood and adolesence. He had a high school basketball coach who he heard say from the sideline, "Make it , Son." "Son" rang deeply in his heart. Years later the same coach was coaching an alumni game and at the closing time out, when their team was behind by a basket,  the coach said, "Give Joe the ball." Joe got the ball and made the shot...but what was important was the confidence the coach had in him. Coach probably would never have remembered saying those words, but the words and tone, told Joe someone he loved and respected believed in him. Joe also reflected his father writing a note,""Show 'em how to play the game. You are tops." The note still hangs by his desk in a frame. Another note from his son, "I love you no matter what" hangs there too. Powerful, powerful stuff.

These words, these notes are so easy and so powerful. They are also reminders of words and notes from God that tell us of His love and encouragement.

Today write down the positive words and tone and notes you have received, maybe from long ago, that encouraged you and are reminders of God's unconditional love.  And remember to use those encouraging, loving words with those around you.

Blessings-Penny

"when it is right"

One of  our relatives who has the disease of addictions called last night. (There are several but he is the one who phones.) He relapsed-again- and this time his wife left him. They have grown children and even a new grand baby, so this relative is not a kid. He has been challenged with this disease for a long time. We do not know the wife's side of the story but my sense is she probably has a lot of emotions-anger, sadness, frustration. He has the same emotions and their communication is not healthy. She says she will move back "when it is right."

In our conversation we encouraged him to ask her the question, "What will that look like-when things are right?" For both of them they need to begin a discussion of what "right" is. We encouraged them to get into marriage counseling where discussions like this can happen in a safe environment. Sadly so often, when we try to have these conversations in early recovery, the mutual anger, sadness and frustration do not let us have productive conversations.

And as I thought of this "what will right look like" I thought of all of us who want a change in our lives. For those of us who want to have a more active spiritual lives-a deeper relationship with God-"what will that look like?--when will we know when it is right?"

Blessings-Penny

hope

This morning I did an interview again on Relevant Radio-a midwest Catholic radio station. The interviewer asked the question about what family members can do when the addict and the rest of the family are in denial. I encouraged them to attend AlANON, to keep up pointing out the reality to the addict  of what the addict is doing. Be explicit about the behaviors, the impact on themselves, their lives, their families. This is informal intervention. This needs to be done in a non-blaming, non-accusatory manner-with "I" statements--"I'm frightened when this happens." "I love you and I am terrified of what may happen."

What I wish I had emphasized more is that there is hope. The family member needs to know that breaking through the denial of the disease often takes a very long time. Addiction is a progressive disease and without intervention, it will get worse. It is the family member's ability to respond (responsibility) to continue the confrontation. One never knows when the addict will finally hear the loving message. Even if there is relapse, the message needs to be the same. "I know it is discouraging but think of the days/weeks/months you were clean-how free that felt."

For their own sanity, the family member must remember they are not alone. Call a treatment center and learn about interventions. Formal interventions include consequences to the addict for continuing to use.Go to ALANON (find local meetings on the internet). Go to a priest or counselor and learn ways to take care of yourself. Read my books-"Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God" and "Filling the God-Shaped Void." Until you acknowledge you, the loving family member or friend, have choices and power to make healthy decisions, you are caught in this disease too.

And prayer-prayer-prayer. Kathleen Norris says "Prayer is asking to be changed in ways you can't even imagine." What might that mean for you---for your life???  You cannot change the addict but you can change circumstances in your life-the way you handle your feelings and responses. Remember God promises He is with you.

What will you change today? Will you stop and ask God to be with you in this? ---to help you feel His Presence?
Blessings-Penny

Intuition

There was a recent magazine column about intuition. Six "luminaries" commented on what they think intuition is and how they use it. Several of the writers spoke of intuition as listening-listening to the whisperings, making room to hear the subtle things. They also talked about self-confidence. It takes self confidence to make decisions that are not clear but one must not make decisions based on fear and anxiety.

All that seems very well thought out. When I mentioned intuition to my husband, he said, "I think all that leaves out the Holy Spirit." He recently made a decision that impacts both of us and when he did, it was like a weight had been lifted. We had been challenged by the decision for several months, weighing the pros and cons. When he finally made the decision it was based on facts but more on what brings calmness and peace into our lives. That is intuition-a decision based on facts,whisperings, listening ---it is also prayer, openness to the Holy Spirit.

Today will you listen to the Holy Spirit? Will you let that voice enter your decision making?

Blessings-Penny

tragedy

Our local newspaper has been filled with the tragic story of a 2 year old boy left in the car by his father on a 90 degree day. The child died. The father had secured his son in the car seat, returned to his house and passed out from being drunk. What must that father be going through??? Of course the tragedy hits the whole family, the mother, the sister. But I can't help being haunted by what the father must be going through.

Those of us challenged by substance use addiction know the stupid, selfish, frightening behaviors we engaged in while drunk or high. Some of us were lucky enough to avoid ruining our lives. Some of were not. We lost jobs, families and lives.

For all of us who are safe enough to read this today (or write this today), let us thank God for protecting us and those we love. Let us show that thanks in continuing our recovery, no matter the struggle.
Let us pray for God to let this father know, that no matter what has happened, he is held in God's love and forgiveness.

Blessings-Penny

petty stuff

The petty stuff can really screw up my day. Sometimes my husband and I can absolutely ruin a day or at least a few hours by a misunderstanding, a harsh word. And then it takes some real effort to pull things back and take care of the relationship. That effort  is necessary. Yesterday was one of those days. The issue is not what was important. What was important was not letting it build. It is so easy for one misunderstanding or argument to lead to the next. It all can lead to a pattern of communicating and being with each other that is destructive for all around to hear. We all know couples who pick at each other--or parents who constantly criticize or correct their children.

Listen to how you talk with others-with those you love. If there is a conflict, a misunderstanding are you able to address it--to say, "We need to work this through.?" This kind of communication is one of the most critical   skills you can teach your children. Do you role model this kind of communication?

Is loving communication part of your ministry?
Blessings-Penny

learn

 "You can learn while you are crying." This was another comment by a recent graduation speaker that struck me as pertinent to this process of  recovery. This comment reminded me of the challenge of relapse. When we relapse into whatever our addiction or challenge is, we often feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame. In that guilt and shame we feel sad and often at the same time we feel angry at ourselves ---and maybe even at others who we tend to blame for our relapse. That is all part of the disease-denial, anger, guilt, shame. But when we stay stuck in those feelings, we don't learn. We don't learn how we got into this mess this time. We don't learn what our responsibility is. We don't learn what to do differently. In our sadness, we may cry and feel hopeless and helpless. "How can I start again? What is wrong with me?"

I worked with many persons who were "chronic relapsers." Often they blamed their spouse, their children, their boss, their stress for those chronic relapses and yet felt helpless to do anything differently. Too busy to get to meetings, too busy to exercise, too busy to get to aftercare, too busy to examine their behavior.. too busy, too busy. They cried but they didn't learn. "If I do what I've always done, I'll get what I always got."

Too busy to pray. Too busy to turn to God and ask for help.
Today can you turn to God and feel Him say, "Come?" Can you learn that God is the resource that is always there? Every single time He is there holding out His hands to you.

Blessings-Penny

embrace your pathology

We attended a college graduation over the weekend with two very dynamic speakers. I jotted down a couple of their thoughts which I'd like to pass on...one for today, one for next time.
One speaker was a very successful gentleman from Ghana who had focused his life's work on feeding the starving people of Africa. He had successfully done this work through engineering and creative partnerships with business and industry. One of the comments he made was "Embrace your pathology." His point was that it is our uniqueness, our differences, our creative thought that give us the freedom to solve problems. He said sometimes that uniqueness is considered pathological. People might say we, or our idea, is crazy.

 He also commented that "balance is over rated." Seeking balance in our lives restrains us from persuing "impossible" dreams.

Now having been a psychiatric nurse for many years and working to help people contain their pathology and to find balance in their lives, I could only smile at this man's philosophies. But immediately I understood his perspective. If we can embrace our differences, use them for creativity, and go about our goals with passion, what might we achieve?
He also said that if we always work in a room of like-minded people we will never creatively solve problems. We will do what we have always done. It takes a room full of people with varying "pathologies" to move into solutions.

What 'pathology" of yours do you need to embrace today? Does it feel a bit of a relief to consider "embracing" that pathology rather than containing it? Do you struggle to maintain "balance" in your life? What if you persued a passion with all your strength-rather than with balance. Would that make a difference?

Can you remember that the Holy Spirit wishes you freedom and creativity?

Blessings-Penny

radio interview

I was interviewed on a morning radio talk show today. It was the third time and I am always so very pleased to be invited. The show is from a Catholic network entitled Relevant Radio and is primarily throughout the Midwest and down into Oklahoma and  Texas.
The interviewer asks about both my books and we focus on addiction and recovery. As usual today following the interview I thought of many comments or points I could have made that might have been more meaningful than what I said. How come that always happens? I can be so clever by myself!
Anyway one of the issues we talked about was how difficult it is for the family of the alcoholic/addict. How can the family deal with relapse-since relapse is a frequent issue in this disease of addiction. The point I wish I had more more strongly is that relapse IS part of the disease..just like relapse is part of the disease of diabetes or any chronic disease. And what our focus needs to be is on minimizing the consequences of the relapse. How can we support the addict to move back into recovery? How can we support them to move out of the relapse more quickly?
One of the ways is to help them remember how good it felt to be in recovery...how much less the fear was...how much closer they felt to family...how they didn't have to hide their behavior...how they could be honest.
Relapse is not the end of the world. It is important  that the relapses get further and further apart and that the length and amount used get smaller and smaller. That is a measure of recovery. And most importantly the addict and the family remember that God is with them---even in the relapse. Christ was with Peter when Peter was beginning to sink---both when trying to walk to Christ on the water and when the boat felt overwhelmed by the storm. Christ is with us when it feels like we are sinking. He calls us to "Come." When caught in the storm of addiction we must keep our focus on Christ. Christ is the priority.

Today-in any of your challenges is Christ your priority? Do you hear His call to "Come?"

As an aside---my husband and I enjoy doing workshops on issues of addiction, recovery and our relationship with Christ as the foundation of recovery. If your congregation would interested in such a workshop/discussion, please contact me on Facebook--Penny Hauser.

Blessings-Penny

visit

My cousin came for a visit this week. I have not seen Gary for 15 years. We spent some late teenage years and early twenties living close to each other and double dated and partied and laughed together on the west coast. We have kept in touch over the years and had occasional visits with families. But Gary is having one of those "significant" birthdays this year and rather than a big cruise or big party, he is flying around the country seeing people he cares about. Isn't that a wonderful way to celebrate? Connecting with people who have been part of your life. Gary has had some serious health issues the last years and has spent some time reflecting on what is important to him. His answer was friends and family.

I was so very honored and touched that I was on his list of visits. It is a gift to know you are important to someone.

Is there someone you could call today-someone you have thinking about-and let them know you care about them-they are important to you.
Blessings-Penny

Gifts

Karen has wonderful support in this time of letting go and dying. When we visited her we stayed with mutual friends. Jonna is Karen's friend and her hospice doctor. Jonna's husband, Marcus, is also a physician. We were all together for several meals and the conversation sometimes turned to dying-not just Karen's dying but our dying also. As we shared honestly about our concerns, our fears, our wonderment at living and dying I was awed by the discussions. They were open, honest and clarified some of the "process of dying" issues for me...issues like DNR, nutrition, advanced directives. The discussions reinforced the need to have the paperwork in order---no matter what our age. None of us know when our time will come.

Though some of the nuts and bolts clarifications were helpful, the most profound feeling I have when I reflect on the weekend is this. What a gift it would be to have health care professionals like Jonna and Marcus to walk with us at the end of our lives. To have the strength of their compassion and their judgment,an assurance they know in  their minds and hearts and spirit what our wishes are.

Can you take a few minutes today to consider the end of your life? Who do you have that you trust to be there for you? Who knows what your wishes are? It really is a gift to give your family that all "that" is in place, in writing.

Blessings-Penny

Karen is dying

Yes, Karen is dying. In early January she chose to discontinue chemotherapy for her ovarian cancer. She has been courageously fighting this disease for 10 years with multiple rounds of chemo, prayer and resilience.  The last round ravaged her body and she decided to live the rest of her days in rich quality. And that she is doing.

We visited Karen last weekend and spent several days laughing and talking about her life and about dying-her dying and the dying we all will do. Karen has lived her life to the fullest. Every period of her life was spent persuing her writing, editing for others, raising two wonderful sons, and truly doing for others. Since her retirement 13 years ago she has written 8 books, helped others write their own books (mine included) and after Tropical Storm Irene devastated Vermont, she and her husband, John, worked tirelessly to solicit and provide shoes, rugs, appliances, and clothing for those left with nothing. Hard physical and emotional work.

And Karen is dying so now she's writing a book about dying! The working title is "The Divine Art of Dying."
She is going to fill every moment of her life-to the very end- with her love and her passion.

I will be writing several more blogs about my thoughts from the weekend but for now:

How can each of us live our lives to the fullest? Each day? Today? Do we live out our loves and our passions?
Blessings-Penny

freedom

We live in an apartment on the 12th floor of a midsize city. The apartment building is on the edge of the downtown area across the street from a major league baseball stadium on one side and a residential/small business area on the other side. The view to the south is pretty open. Lately we have watched a hawk circle over the area about twice a day. His pattern is a bit above our apartment, over the stadium and then down toward the more open area. He glides so slowly, so gracefully, so peacefully. He glides with such freedom.
Yesterday he had a companion. Their flight was like a lovely ballet-together, apart, gently. They seemed to be so aware of each other, with such ease.

Freedom, ease, gentleness. Isn't that how we all would love to have the pattern of our lives?
How do we move toward that?

Blessings-Penny

Silence

"By our silence we let others define us." I think this is a really profound quote but I'm not quite certain what it means.  I think of my identity as a recovering alcoholic. Now that is only part of my identity but a part I take as very important. If I am silent and do not share that with others, then there is an important part of me that they do not know. Others would define me without knowing that I am challenged by that disease. They would not know the real me.

Do you want people to know the real you? What else are you silent about? How do others define you? What parts of you are private that others do not need to know? How do you decide?

Interesting stuff to think about.

Blessings-Penny

sad

We frequently talk with the maintenance man who keeps things working in our apartment building. A nice guy-walks with a limp-has worked in this building for about 8 years. He looked sad the other day and told us his 18 year old son was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. The boy was a big football and baseball high school star and was looking forward to college with a football scholarship. He had broken bones in both sports this year and after he passed out at school and felt a tingling in his fingertips, the multiple sclerosis diagnosis was given.

The son is angry and depressed. He has been answering back to teachers, refusing to go to work, and generally adopting a "why bother" attitude. His father is devastated...this was the "golden boy."

Medication will cost up to $800 per month-not covered under insurance.

I look at this sad, sad situation and realize this is a diagnosis with no options. And then I think of those of us with addictions. We are the lucky ones, We have options. We can choose to make changes and we have choices. Granted those are difficult changes and choices but nonetheless we do have choices.

Are we willing to make those choices and changes? Are we willing to acknowledge the gift God gives us___the gift of choices?

What are you willing to do today to accept this beautiful life God has given you? What choices?

Blessings-Penny

listening room

One of the venues my husband and I love to attend here in St. Louis is Jazz at the Bistro. We are fairly new to jazz so the whole experience is unique. We have always loved the old standards of jazz and try to attend singers and musicians who have those standard qualities. The performances are held in a rather small room. It holds only 149 people so it is all quite intimate.

As the performers are introduced the emcee reminds everyone that this "a listening room. Please turn off your cell phones and keep conversation at your tables low so all can enjoy the performance." Isn't that a wonderful term---a listening room? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could have a "listening room" with those  courtesies at our dining room tables, in our homes, in our conference rooms, with our politicians?

When I was in school we had classes called "Speech." We should have had classes called "Listening." If we could all improve our listening skills what a lovely world it would be.

Can you Listen-really Listen today? Can you listen to a child, listen to a co-worker, listen to someone you disagree with---really listen, not be thinking about what you will say...listen to what they are saying and not saying??

Listen to God??

Blessings-Penny

just fun

I realize a number of followers of this blog are outside the United States. I am incredibly grateful to have you with us and I apologize for some of this blog. I hope you are able to relate given your enjoyment of soccer and your related sports.

Today is opening day of the baseball season here in St. Louis. Our team's name is the Cardinals and the fans here are incredibly devoted-almost to hero worship but it is all in the name of fun.

Our apartment is across the street from the stadium and we have a wonderful view of all the pregame activities in the parking lot below us. It all started about 6 a.m. At this time (about 10:30a.m.) there are hundreds of people at the many booths, playing games, listening to loud music, getting autographs, eating and drinking. They are so excited about the game. My husband can't wait to go over and get hot dogs and bratwurst. The excitement and fun is palpable.

In recovery we need to have fun as part of our plan. We need to have excitement. Recovery is not just about "giving up " something. It is about finding a purpose, meaning and fun. It is about relationships.

What is fun for you today? What do you really look forward to? How can you tap into that?

Blessings-Penny

His spirit is alive

Yesterday I had a medical procedure for my chronic heart condition. Nothing of an emergency nature but at one time there were 4 nurses prepping me for the procedure---it must have been a slow day in that department. As we nurses joked and talked, I mentioned I had written a book (well 2 books) in retirement. When I gave the name of the first book, Broken by Addiction, Blessed by God, the nurse working on the computer stopped what she was doing and looked at me with curiosity. She looked at the other nurses and then said, "I am in recovery-8 years and I am looking for something more-deeper." Needless to say the conversation was fast and intense. We didn't have much time before I was to have the procedure. 

That is what happens when we are open---open to God's spirit working in the world and in our lives. He gives us connections. He gives us people who understand our struggles. 

Today are you open to what God has given you? What is it? Who is it? What or how do they make a difference in your life?

Blessings-Penny

Happy Easter!

We leave tomorrow for Easter with our sons and their families. Back in about a week so no new blogs until then.
A Blessed Easter to all. May you hear the trumpets of joy on Easter Sunday---joy that your sins are forgiven, that there is a new life for all.

What will you do with that new life?
Blessings-Penny

old messages

Early the last 2 mornings I have done radio phone interviews related to my new book. They lasted 10-15 minutes. Yesterday morning I completed the call and then sulked around our apartment for a couple of hours telling myself I had not done a very good job---hadn't said this----hadn't said that---hadn't done it "perfectly." I could hear the old "be perfect" message in my head. I recognized it as an old message  but just couldn't shut it off completely.

A couple of hours later I checked my email and there was an email from my publisher, She  said  the radio show had loved me and want me back to do a 25 minute interview in April. I was stunned and so very pleased.

What a lesson. Those old messages come back with a vengence when we have moments of self doubt. During my sulking period yesterday, I had prayed that God would help me work through this, that I could accept my not "being perfect," that if I wasn't perfect, it really didn't matter in the larger picture.....that there are friends and family struggling with huge issues...that I needed to get a grip! Though it all worked out wonderfully-thanks to God's grace---I am in awe of the power of the old messages.

Are there old messages that get triggered in your life? What do you do with them? Do they take control of your mood?

Can you ask God today to help you minimize the power of those old destructive messages? Can you accept the peace that comes when you bring that prayer into your life?

Blessings-Penny

new word

I spoke with a friend today who said she had a new "f" word. I kind of cringed and asked, "What is it?" She said, "I used to say the "f"word all the time, but now I've changed that word to "forgive." I never knew what a different sense of peace that small change could bring. Who knew?"

How many times a day do we hear the "f" word-on television, behind us in the check out line, in casual conversations?

Do you use the "f" word ? Can you work towards changing it to "forgive?"
Would that make a difference in your sense of peace?

Blessings-Penny

From sad to glad

Another family story. The brother of the woman I talked about in the last blog also has this disease of addiction. They are both adults and have struggled for years. Jimmy (not his real name) got out of treatment about 2 weeks ago. We went to see him Saturday. He is doing well-lots of meetings-lots of prayer. But a few days ago he found a beer which he had forgotten was in his truck. He said he looked at it for a long time wondering if he should drink it or throw it away. After all, "Who would know?" But them he told himself, "What am I struggling about? If I wanted to buy myself a keg, I could. But if I drink, I throw away all the good things God has given me." And he threw the beer away. He also is struggling with some marital issues.

He was pleased he had managed through some tough moments. He sensed the added strength that comes with each success. He laughed.

An awful lot of things can sabotage recovery. Generally those things are called "life."

He asked us to pray with him.

What are you doing today to strengthen your recovery? Can you whisper little prayers of thanks?
Blessings-Penny

Sabotage

A family member was supposed to go to treatment today. This person has been to treatment a couple of times but has been using meth for several years and considers marijuana a "gift from God." When she got to the admission office she "lost it" and was not admitted. I'm not certain what "lost it" meant but the admission person evaluated her as not appropriate for that facility.

It seems to me that my relative "sabotaged" her treatment. She had been less than enthusiastic about her readmission and proclaimed she wanted to give up the meth but not the marijuana. Sabotaging treatment and recovery is not unusual for people not committed to recovery. We find excuses to do or not do the things we know  will keep us in recovery. We don't have time for meetings. We don't have time for prayer. We tell ourselves we won't drink even if we stop at the bar to see friends.  We let ourselves get too Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired--HALT. We stop calling our sponsor.We sabotage our plan for recovery in a hundred different ways.

This is such a sad disease.I am sad for my relative. I am sad for her teenage son. I am sad for her mother.

What will you do today to enrich your program of recovery? How will you strengthen it?
Will you ask God to remind you He is right there with you? You are not in this alone. It does not have to be sad.
Blessings-Penny

trust

We often hear the question, "How can I ever trust him/her again?" That question might be asked when one of our kids gets into trouble. It might be asked when someone betrays a confidence we have shared. It might be asked when relapse occurs in a recovering person. The person in relapse might even ask himself or herself, "How can I trust myself again?...I screw this up over and over.""
We concerned friends or counselors might give the advice that rebuilding trust is a very slow process done in small steps---whether that is with our kids, our friends , our spouse, or ourself.  We might make suggestions such as, "What is one small thing you can do or say today that would be evidence that you want to win that person's trust back?" We might utter such platitudes as "Actions speak louder than words."
And in our human relationships that is true. Actions do speak louder than words.
The great news is that in our relationship with God we don't have to ask how to earn back His trust. He never gives up His trust in us. He believes in us. He trusts we will use the gifts he has given us to do His work-whether that be as a parent, a friend, a spouse, a self. When we fail, He does not condemn us but remembers we are "dust"-frail, bumbling people that He claims as His own.

Do you believe you are God's own? Does that make a difference in your day today? How?
Blessings-Penny

Heroes and saints

There are 4 people close to me who I consider real heroes and saints.  All are caretakers. One woman cares for her husband with Parkinsons. They've been married over 50 years. She is exhausted-little money, little help, adult children live far away. Another is a grandmother who cares for her teenage grandson. The boy's mother is an addict and comes in and out of the picture. My friend gives the consistency and safety this child needs. She prays she lives until he is at least 18. The third friend is in her late 50's. Her husband, who is a few years younger, has early Alzheimer's disease. He has lost his job. She is breadwinner, mother and caregiver. And the fourth friend(s) are a couple who care for their grand daughter with autism. The child's parents work and my friends have moved close by completely changing their years of retirement. I heard my friend is terribly thin from chasing after this very active child.

I have mentioned these friends in other blogs and I mention them again because their courage and commitment continues to profoundly move me.

How do they dig deeply within their love, their spirituality to find the energy to get up in the morning-to keep doing what they do?
Is there a struggle or challenge you have that names you as a hero or a saint because you get up each morning and face it?
Are you a hero?
Do you call upon God to remind you that He is with you---even in the most difficult times?
(I smiled when the Pope said this week that sometimes he felt that God was asleep.If even the Pope can feel that way, then it's ok if I sometimes wonder where He is in my life!)
Blessings, Penny

"reaching out"

I recently contacted a friend from years past through Facebook. This friend had been supportive during a challenging time of my life and I wanted to says thanks again and, in honesty, I probably wanted some further support. Life is messy and sometimes old challenges reappear and we try to figure out what worked last time.

The friend replied immediately-this social media stuff can be such fun-and was as supportive as I had hoped. In fact he said he was glad I had "reached out." Isn't that an interesting term? I hadn't really thought of it in that way, but the term really fit. I had "reached"-gone beyond what was easy and in front of me...found something beyond my easy grasp. His support eased some of my concerns and gave me another perspective to consider. Just what I had hoped.

To whom do you "reach out" when there are challenges? Do you have a support system?
Do you "reach out" to God? What would that look like? "HELP!"--is a good place to start.
Blessings-Penny

Forgiveness

We attended a presentation on forgiveness yesterday. One of the significant points was that when there is an old hurt or grudge that we have difficulty forgiving, it is helpful to remember that each time we focus on it and remember it, we are tearing off the healing scab. Each time we rehearse the incident and relive the pain and the anger, we let the incident continue to have its power.

Learning to shift those thoughts takes a very long time. It is so easy to blame the hurts of the past for our behavior in the present. Taking responsibility for the choices we make NOW, taking responsibility for who we are NOW can be a day to day challenge.

Desmond Tutu says that when we forgive we are no longer the victim...we can write the end of the story.

Can you begin to replace the old rehearsal of past grudges and anger with new thoughts of who you want to be NOW? Who do you think God wants you to be?

Blessings-Penny

Visit

Our visit with family was lovely. A new grandbaby was baptized. We felt included and cared for. There was time for connected conversation...conversation one wouldn't have by phone and certainly not by email. Technology is fine but I need to be with people, to gesture and watch their gestures and facial expressions. And I need to hold babies and hug their parents.
A teenage grandson was with us all weekend also. When we entered the church he whispered, "I don't think I've been in a church since I was about 4 years old." During the service he did his best to follow. He read the prayers from the missal. He sang the hymns. He wanted to fit in. I was deeply touched.

Personal visits can change things-can change the intimate relationships. Family is the essence.

Who in your family would you like to have a more intimate connection with? How can you move that relationship forward?
How can you move your relationship with God forward? How can you experience his love and presence?
Blessings-Penny

Drama

Our extended family has its share of drama-created by various members at various times over various issues. I work to stay out of the ensuing discussions but at times find it difficult -especially if I feel someone is being unfairly accused of something.
We are leaving tomorrow for a family gathering that is small enough that it should be without the usual cast of characters that stir things up. The host family has reached out to us in a very loving way and yet some others have made some snide comments about that.
I pray I can keep my mouth shut and simply be loving and supportive of the occasion and the family.

Are there times you need to pray to keep your mouth shut? When is it helpful to pray to do and say only the loving thing? How do you do that?

Blessings-Penny

Power of Addiction Part 2

On January 8 I wrote about the power of addiction and our 2 relatives struggling with their addictions. Yesterday morning we received a phone call that our nephew was in treatment. He was the one who had spent 90 days in jail in the fall for his 3rd DUI---rather than go to a treatment program. He had gone on a binge last weekend-alcohol, meth etc. etc. When he came home following the binge his wife and sons did an intervention and got him into treatment.
Later yesterday afternoon, he called from treatment. It was his first Friday in treatment and he was not liking it---too much hugging, too much this and that. We talked at some length. I reassured him that he can still be who he is. If he's not comfortable with the hugging -say so. If the counselor says he's not open-just say he doesn't even know where to start at this point. He fears they are trying to make him into someone he is not.

Doesn't that all sound familiar? Early recovery is not easy. But we have to start somewhere. At this point we have to remember how bad it was and pray never to go back there. And we pray for God to give us some hope, some encouragement that these new lives he has miraculously given us, will hold.

Addiction is powerful---but God is more powerful.
Are we open to living into his promises -that he is with us, that he forgives us, and that nothing can separate us from him?
Are you open to those promises today?
Blessings-Penny

rogue waves

Last summer I was on the beach with my son and grandchildren lying comfortably soaking up the sun and delighting in the sound of the waves. All of a sudden there were screams and a "rogue wave" washed over us, our cell phones, our cameras, our towels etc. etc. As I read a bit more of Annie Lamott's book, Help, Thanks, Wow, this morning she mentioned the term "rogue wave." She used it as a metaphor for some of the crisis that hit us in life. Those crisis hit us unexpectedly, washing over us, sometimes destroying important parts of our lives. But if we are mindful and careful, our lives can recover. We can return to some peace. We return to that peace when we make some changes, when we ask God to be with us as we work on the changes.

When we were swamped and soaked last summer by our rogue wave, we thought all those belongings were probably destroyed. But my daughter-in-law knows alot about fixing stuff. She placed the cell phones and cameras in bags of rice and sure enough the next morning, the rice had absorbed the water and the cameras worked. The cell phones were not as lucky but daughter-in-law knew how to exchange parts from old cell phones into the newer ones and we really lost only one phone.

That is how our recovery from any of our challenges happens. We find someone who helps us with the repairs, helps us learn new ways of living, and we ask God to be with us in this. We smile when the new ways begin to give us peace.

Does a rogue wave challenge you in your daily life? Does it destroy your peace? Where can you begin to make the changes to lead to a different way of living? Have you asked God today to be with you in the changes?

Blessings-Penny

honesty

A relative who is reading my recently published book, Filling the God-Shaped Void, said she was surprised at my acknowledgement of some of my drinking behavior "for all to see." Since there are some rather critical family members in our extended family, I will admit to some misgivings about their response. But the bottom line is that people who care about me already know the worst. Those who might delight in the nitty gritty are probably those who talk about me no matter what.

The reason those of us in recovery share the honest facts is that it helps us to "own" the behavior. It is part of what keeps us in the process of recovery...to remember how bad it was..and that we don't have to go back there.  We also know that sharing those facts let's others know they are not alone. They are not the only people who have done stupid, hurtful things. When we are in the middle of the guilt and shame, it feels like we are the only ones who have ever done that.

And the message is there is hope...hope for a better life...hope for a new way of being and living.
When we feel no hope, when there is guilt once again over breaking our promise to change, we remember there is a better life. God promises that and promises He is with us in all the mess.

We write about it and we talk about it and we ask God to remind us that He is with us---always.
Have you asked God today to remind you that He is right there with you?
Blessings-Penny

Covenant

I love the word covenant. It has such a strength to it. A "covenant" seems so much more encompassing than a "promise."
We have a friend who started and is in charge of a spiritually grounded, junior high school in Richmond, Virginia. The Anna Julia Cooper School is for children from low income families in a very challenged area of Richmond. The mission of the school is to provide a quality foundation of educational and social  learning to prepare these students to succeed in their further education and social roles. The mission of the school is within a strongly spiritual framework. The students are selected with diverse scholastic records and home situations.
Each parent of the selected students must sign a "covenant" that they will actively participate in their child's educational and social progress.
Doesn't that use of the word "covenant" frame a beautiful, rich context? It seems to me to be more than a promise. It indicates a promise within a relationship with God. God formed covenants in the Old Testament. The life, death and resurrection of Christ forms a new covenant with us. These parents form a covenant with the school for the health and growth of their children within their relationship with God.
What if all of our promises were framed within a "covenant?"
What if we understood our "promises" to be held within our relationship with God-in "covenant"?
Would that make a difference-even in the promises we make to ourselves?
What promise have you made to someone else or to yourself? If you thought of that promise as a "covenant" made within your relationship with God, would that expand and deepen its meaning?
Blessings-Penny

Debates

There are so many big debates going on in this world. Debates I really have no deciding vote in-gun control, cabinet nominations, abortion rights (in Ireland particularly), debt ceiling limits, Super Bowl or Academy Award picks.  I have clear opinions but nobody is really asking me---so I guess I can save some energy by not getting too wound up. But friendly discussions help and feeling informed calms me down.
I read an op ed piece that talked about gun control and people's opinion that nothing could change about that.  It reminded the reader that years ago we said nothing could be done about a number of things...things like integration of schools, smoking in public places, drunk driving, wearing seat belts, gays in the military. And look at how far we have come on all those issues. The article further said that laws were enacted which helped move those issues. The laws  made a commitment from the culture that we were no longer going to accept those destructive things in our society. Change came slowly-very slowly at times and none of those changes are total or perfect. But as a society we have made progress. As a people we have moved forward on those issues.

We can move forward on this issue of gun control. I am so pleased Gabby Gifford and her husband have taken a leadership role.
Let us pray that politicians make the choices that move us forward---that they hear the voice of peace.
Blessings-Penny

Power of addiction

We visited family over the holidays and I came away, once again, with fear and awe at the power of addiction. One family member spent 3 months in jail in the fall for his second DWI. While in jail he was clean and became involved in leading bible classes.  He is on probation and has a suspended license. However he continues to drive. He is drinking again and takes "the back roads" to avoid arrest. If he is convicted of another DWI he will spend 2-5 years in prison. He will lose his business.
Another family member was diagnosed with Hepatitis C in the fall, probably contracted from her continued drug use and/or her sexual activity. She has been in treatment for her drug abuse several times.She sabotages medical appointments with excuses for not attending and has not entered treatment for her Hep C. Treatment would involve being completely drug free. Hep C can be a fatal disease if not treated. She is a single mother with a 12 year old son. She attends church services irregularly.

For me these tragedies are a reminder once again that this relationship with God is fundamental for ongoing recovery. However this relationship needs continual attention. We cannot move away from it and return to the old people, places and things. For these relatives returning to their old people, places and things without a strong emphasis on their daily relationship with God allowed the power of the addiction to reenter and consume their lives. Without our constant daily, sometimes moment by moment, awareness and attention to God's grace and mercy in our lives, the addiction will regain its foothold. Our losses will be unimaginable.

What will you do today to remind yourself of God's grace and mercy in your life? How will you ask him to strengthen your commitment to a new life?
Blessings-Penny