In a recent conversation I was again struck by how we all hear conversations from our own perspectives. A women friend and her husband wanted to recount a conversation they recently had with their oldest daughter. It was a difficult conversation regarding a misunderstanding they had at Christmas time and the wife/mother had taken the risk to confront the daughter. Before she was to recount the conversation with me, she asked the husband what he remembered. She then recounted what she remembered. The recollected points of the conversation with the daughter were entirely different. Each parent remembered what was important to them and related to their identity. It was not that they disagreed---it was that each identified the critical parts of the conversation entirely differently. He remembered the decision about what to eat for breakfast on Christmas morning--the daughter wanted less sweet/more protein. He ritually fixed a sweet funnel cake type treat. The mother remembered the decision about attending Christmas Mass. She identifies Christmas Eve Mass as the essential part of Christmas.
I did not point out the differences in their recollections. I am a friend-not their therapist! But I was amused and amazed at how this very caring, connected couple are just as capable of "ineffective communication" as all of us. It is so difficult even in healthy, mature relationships to "hear' the other---to focus on what is important to them.
Can we listen more carefully today? Can we remember the saying that "being heard as an adult is like being held as a child."
Blessings-Penny
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