criticism

What do you do when it feels like someone is hypercritical of you? A friend's mother has recently moved in with her. My friend, Carol, feels like her mother criticizes things she never even gave much thought to...the way she parks and drives, the amount of money she chooses to give to her children, the way she cooks. Carol says she knows her mother is having difficulty adjusting to her new living circumstances but it leads to sharp words and heated exchanges. In fact Carol mentioned this because she feels the tension and anxiety are setting her up for relapse---after 3 years of recovery.

When Carol has attempted to talk with her mother about this, her mother says she is "thin-skinned" which causes Carol even more anger. Her mother counters that she is just giving her opinion. "Can't I even have an opinion?"

What do you do if someone is critical and judgmental? Does it put your recovery or even just your good mood at risk?

I suggested that at a time when things are calm, Carol ask her mother what she would like her to do differently in those situations that spark criticism. Though Carol does not seem to think she is doing anything wrong, it might be helpful to hear what suggestions her mother has. Carol then has the choice to make adjustments or not. At least her mother might feel heard. Carol might also anticipate some situations that spark the criticism (in a loving tone!---my tone and sarcasm can escalate things in a hurry!)---"How would you suggest I cook this? What meals would you like to cook for us?...I'll look for the closest parking place so you don't have to walk so far?...Which store should we park closest to?"

It all takes time and energy to think through these situations...to include someone else in decisions. Sometimes we are so used to doing things ourselves, it just seems easier. This happens also with our kids as they grow up. Including them in decisions can head off a tremendous amount of resistance. Most of us just want to be heard! We want some control of our lives.

And then we take time to pray. We ask God for patience and love. We breathe. We place these relationships with mothers, kids, husbands. co-workers in our relationship with God.
We pray to remind ourselves that all good things come from God. He knows what we need before we even ask. We pray to remind ourselves that He is in this with us. He guides us. Situations change when we take time to pray.That is why we pray. To remind ourselves---not Him! He already knows!

Blessings-Penny