"walking on eggs shells"

A friend recently shared about an incident with her husband. He had wanted to buy a new set of exercise equipment. They already had an exercise bike that he rarely used. She said something like  (in a very critical tone), "You never use the bike we have! Why would we get something else that you'd just use to hang your clothes on.You never continue with exercise" And she went on. He then became silent for the remainder of the day.

My friend was incensed that he had withdrawn. "Why can't I say what I want to say? Why do I have to walk on eggs shells? When do I get to be who I am? He always criticizes me---the words I use, the way I talk."

Clearly a significant communication problem in this couple. And probably a whole lot more difficulty in the marriage than just communication. She asked what I would have said.

I hesitated. "Well, I probably would have said something but maybe in a different way. Something like, 'I really would like you to exercise more. If I saw you using the bike more first, I might be more willing to think about more equipment.' " I continued, "I try to filter or think through what I'm going to say. I don't like conflict and if I can filter and still get my thought or feeling across, I'm ok with that. I don't see it as not being who I am. I see it as valuing the relationship." I continued, "I don't think you would speak to someone at work in a critical tone or with destructive words. You might not agree with something they do, but you'd find a way to say it without being destructive....At times we don't value or respect our marital relationships or even our relationships with our children as much as we do our relationships with people at work. We say things to our family that we'd never say to someone outside the family....Do I value my anger more or the relationship more?"

Sharing our feelings in a caring, thoughtful, intentional way is not "walking on eggs shells." It is love.

God, give me the grace to be loving today.
Blessings-Penny